Self worth & the Church

One of the many incredible blessings I have been given here in Malaysia is the opportunity to engage in continuing education with pastors from very diverse backgrounds. Together we have learned (and reviewed) confessional texts, the sacraments, and ecclesiology. This week I had the opportunity to sit in a counseling/family systems seminar where we talked about different family system theories and what they look like in our contexts.

The first session explored the work of Adlerian and Satir who focused a lot on self-worth and a sense of inferiority respectively. They found in the families they observed, where there was most dysfunction was where there was a distorted or lower sense of self-worth (something that tends to compound with more dysfunction). But where people were encouraged to explore their potential, have genuine connection with people, and gain more self-awareness, they flourished and created more functional, nurturing families because of it.

And it got me thinking about a type of family system that deals directly with these two issues: the church.

Suspending the pitfalls that come with equating the church or a particular church community with a family, we can see some very obvious similarities (and dysfunctions). Even Jesus and Paul talk about the body of Christ in similar verbiage used to talk about the family unit (Hebrews 10, Romans 12, Matthew 12, Acts 2).

And realizing that the "goal" or "purpose" of the body of Christ is not to "make people feel good," but to bring about a wholeness and shalom, we can start to make connections between this seemingly secular social science and how we do ministry. 

How does the church inform people's self-worth? 
What do our sermons or our bible studies covey to members about their potential in this world? 
Do we, as a congregation, encourage people to gain more self-awareness? 
Are there genuine connections happening between people within our congregations? 

About a year ago, I studied a large, complex church organization called NewSpring in Columbia, South Carolina. Overall, the church has probably hundreds of thousands of members, but the campus we were studying only had a couple thousand people regularly attending. And their numbers were growing every year with no indication of slowing down. 

You might think (as we did) that a congregation like this could only keep growing because they were "selling" something that people wanted or felt they needed to "buy." While this might be true to some extent, we also found something else while studying the "strategies" of this church organization. 

They make people feel like they matter. 

From even before joining the worship service, we were greeted as if we were vital to the ministry there. We received special parking for being visitors, we were ushered into a green room and given swag, and we were given a tour of the whole facility afterwards. People who noticed we were visitors greeted us warmly with smiles and genuine "we are so glad you're here." Somehow, for some reason, we mattered to these people, we mattered to this church. It was a refreshing feeling, honestly. And they knew we weren't looking to change congregations. They knew were we attending for research and not for worship. And they still wanted us to know that we were worthy of their time and love.

Now I am not endorsing raffling off cars or even providing visitors with swag on their way into the church, but it is something to take note of.

I've been a visitor in way too many congregations where I have been ignored. Sometimes it's worse than being ignored - I was actively stared at for being a visitor. I remember "taking" a member's pew one Sunday and actually being asked to move back a row!

I can go on and into the true, deep life of the church and how it often lacks this sense of "worthiness" for the congregant, but I think talking about how we greet our visitors is a good enough place to start.

Do we usher them in with smiles and conversation or simply thrust a bulletin into their hands?
Could we pick them our in group after the service and remember their names?
Do we make the time to follow up with them afterwards? Invite them to dinner? Ask how we might be praying for them?
Do we learn about them first before trying to "sell" the congregation's programs to them?

How do we provide hospitality in a way that says, "we want you here, we think your gifts are a perfect match for our passions" instead of, "we need you here to pay our bills with your tithe - what's the minimum we have to do to keep you coming?"

While I don't think it's the whole story, I believe that thinking about the role of people's sense of self-worth is an important building block of how we do ministry together. Shalom, I believe, starts with a person's own identity and self-worth. How then, as bringers of shalom, can we nurture and ignite a more holy sense of self-worth for everyone who walks through the doors of our congregation?

No guilt

Today I woke up around 9am when my FitBit started buzzing on my wrist. My husband asked if I wanted breakfast, I mumbled "yes," and I rolled over and went back to sleep until noon. And I don't feel guilty about it at all.

It has taken me a really long time to be okay with taking care of myself. I used to feel guilty for wanting to stay home when others went out (especially in college). I used to apologize when people asked me out to lunch and I didn't want to go. In fact, most of the time I would go anyway, even if I didn't really want to just because I felt guilty about it.

We are so conditioned from an early age that we must put our family first, we must put our husband first, we must put our children first. And if we don't we are "bad" in any (or all) of those roles. The Bachelor recently showed a clip of Amanda (single mom) talking about how difficult it has been to use the last few weeks to take care of herself because she's not used to focusing on herself since she has two daughters. She feels guilty for pursuing something she wants and for taking care of herself.

There's a lot of guilt that surrounds self-care nowadays. I don't know if it was always there, but I have noticed it a lot as I have become older and more comfortable in my own routine, my own skin, and with my own needs. It seems that a woman, especially a woman with a husband or children, is not supposed to take even a few minutes out of her day to care for herself.

I first recognized this guilt and judgement in myself my first year of seminary. I had a really hard time figuring out if I was in the right place during those first few months. I was missing home, missing my friends, and the novelty of a new place and new people had worn out. So I got back into my routine of running. I'd often run during our chapel and lunch hour, enduring glares and comments from people on their way to chapel. I made excuses, I apologized, and I felt super guilty about it. And then I thought, you know, this is how I am taking care of myself. And even though other people might not be okay with it, I'm sure God understands.

Since then, I have had a long uphill battle with self-care. But I no longer apologize about weekly (or daily) milkshakes with my roommates. I no longer feel guilty about sleeping in when I have nothing to do. I don't judge myself for seeking refuge in my bed for several hours at a time, binge-watching a horrible Netflix series (looking at YOU Vampire Diaries). When someone asks me to lunch and I don't want to go, I simply say, "no thank you" with a smile and don't give it a second thought.

It has taken a lot of self-discovery to be okay with self-care. The more I learn about myself and the more in-tune I am with my body and my needs, the easier it is to not only care for myself, but translate that to others. I'm an introvert through and through so my self-care often looks a bit lonely, a little quiet, and sometimes awkward - sitting in the same room with my husband without speaking. My parishioners (and husband) joke that I nap a lot, but I don't feel guilty about it anymore. I need a three hour nap after Sunday's service.  Without sleep I'm grumpy, unproductive, and not a fun person to be around.

Self-care is vitally important to me because it not only allows me to care for myself, but it gives me the energy, patience, and courage to care for others. And with service to others being my love language, it is important that I have the energy to do it often and well. Not to mention, self-care is biblical. There's a reason Jesus went into the wilderness and into the mountains to pray.

I'm also learning that it's important that my self-care be public and unapologetic. I have so many friends who struggle to take care of themselves and continuously "pour from an empty cup" until they are exhausted, burned out, and bitter. Not to say that this hasn't happened to me (to the point of panic attacks and total withdrawal), but if I am able to be a positive example for self-care even half of the time, I am inadvertently giving other women permission (something we so desperately seek) to also care for themselves.

Although the guilt and judgement associated with self-care is something I'm still struggling with on a daily basis, I'm being encouraged by women and pastors who view self-care as not a "treat yo self" kind of splurge, but a daily, precious, and necessary part of our vocation. And I hope to pass that encouragement on to others and my ministry continues, by not feeling guilty, being unapologetic, and napping to my heart's content.

Generational Love

Ruth 1:1-18

Psalm 146

Hebrews 9:11-14

Mark 12: 28-34

There are 4,200 different religions in the world.  There are 5,000 ethnic groups in the world.  There are 318 MILLION people in the United States alone.  But we aren’t just diverse as a people, we are diverse as generations.  There are more people over 50 living in the United States than any other time in all of history.  That’s pretty awesome.  But it just shows how completely different and spread out people are throughout the country, but also throughout the Church.  If you look around this morning, there are all sort of different people who come from completely different places and live such different lives.  And we are all different ages and grew up in different generations. 

Things are different than they were five, ten, twenty years ago.  I see you smiling.  You know what I’m talking about. Everything has changed - how we communicate has changed from hand-written letters to telegrams to phone calls and text messages.  How we raise our children has changed with electronics and schools transforming.  Even the way we worship has changed.  My parents had no idea what “contemporary worship” meant when they were growing up.  

And let’s be honest, it divides us.  There are many people who love traditional worship, many people who love contemporary.  There are a lot of people who say no cell phones for kids until they are fifteen years old and some who will give in around 8 years old.  Generations are different and I think it’s a good thing.  It is certainly a natural change.  

But there is something that unifies us.  And I think Jesus and Ruth both get to it in these passages.  You heard most of the backstory with Ruth - her husband dies and there is no other relative to take as her husband.  Naomi does such a noble thing there with Ruth - she tells her to go back to her people and find a husband so that she might not have to live a lonely life and a life of poverty.  Naomi didn’t have to give Ruth that blessing... and Ruth certainly could have taken that blessing and left.  But she did something different.  She, because she felt connected to Naomi in a deeper way than just being her daughter-in-law, stays with Naomi and loves her like her own mother.  I think as a church, we can really learn from that.  

They weren’t from the same tribe of people, they didn’t have the same friends.   But something connected them.  Somehow, during their time together, Naomi was able to pass down something so incredibly vital for Ruth, that Ruth wasn’t willing to part from her.  She knew she would live in poverty and that she could never marry another man and have children.  This meant shame and complete loneliness during that time.  But there was a love and connection that kept Ruth from following her sister-in-law back to her old life.  Naomi had instilled in Ruth the traditions of her people and the value of her religion.  

“Do not press me to leave you
    or to turn back from following you!
Where you go, I will go;
    where you lodge, I will lodge;
your people shall be my people,
    and your God my God.

Where you die, I will die—
    there will I be buried.
May the Lord do thus and so to me,
    and more as well,
if even death parts me from you!”

That is beautiful. 

It was the unity of God and the unity of kinship that kept those women together, even through the most difficult time in their lives.  But it wasn’t just the kinship and unity of God, it was love.  Naomi loved Ruth enough to allow her to go back to her family and find another husband and live a fruitful life.  And we know how much Ruth loved her mother-in-law - enough to stay with her and live a life of poverty.  

In the gospel, Jesus tells us that the two most important commandments are to  “love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength” and  "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

Naomi was able to pass down both of these commandments to Ruth.  

One of the most incredible things we are able to pass down to young people is love.  I believe, as a child of two wonderful parents that the most important thing they taught me was how to love.  They were good at it, after all.  They love each other and they love my brother and me.  I can’t think of a single time growing up that I didn’t feel my parents’ love for me.  And I don’t think that they just woke up on the morning of becoming parents and decided to learn how to love.  It’s something that their parents taught them and their grandparents passed down as well.  Love is something that is almost necessarily passed down from generation to generation.  It is love that we have in common with all of the generations before us and all of the generation after us.  It was the love of God and the love of one another that kept Ruth and Naomi together.  

We have that same type of love that keeps us together as a church body.  We have the love of Christ.  We have a unity of spirit that is able to hold us together through space and time - through the generations and through the diversity of the world.  We have unity because of the Trinitarian God.  God so loved this world and Jesus Christ died for the love of the world.  The Holy Spirit was given to the church to remain and nurture the church.  It was given in order to be a comforter, a guide, and a way to keep the church unified.  

Our response to this gift of love and commitment that our God has given us so freely is these two commandments.  Love God with all of your heart and all of your mind and all of your soul.  And love your neighbor as yourself.  This response is meant to keep the church together and provide real relationship within the church and outside of the church.

We celebrate this unity and this relationship in two sacred ways in the Lutheran church - the waters of baptism and Holy Communion.  Baptism is a reminder that we belong in God’s family.  Communion is a celebration and remembrance that we are in this together.  And the really cool part is that it’s not just this church that is unified in Christ.  We are together with all of the saints and sinners throughout all of time and space.  Our grandparents and great-grandparents.  People who have yet to be born.  Every generation and throughout the entire world, we are all of one spirit in Christ Jesus.  

Things are going to keep changing.  Generations will continue to feel further and further apart.  The world will continue to expand and diversify.  But if we are able to teach people of all ages that the two greatest commandments are to love God with all your heart and all your mind and all your soul and to love your neighbor as yourself, the unity of the spirit in Jesus Christ cannot be broken.  

Give to everyone who asks

Give to everyone who asks.
Emphasis on the ask. 

I must confess, this particular post was conceived after reading another seminarian's blog post from about a week ago.  His point (which is obviously a very valid point) is that we are to give to everyone who asks.  Period.  The end.  Not "give to everyone who asks and seems to have need," not "give to everyone who asks and is willing to repay you," not "give to everyone who asks and seems like they're telling the truth."  We are called to give to everyone who asks.

Luke 6:30 says, "Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back."

Matthew 5:42 says, "Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."

But what if we are only called to give to those who ask.  Not the people we see as having a need.  Not the people we hope we can fix or help in order to get something out of it ourselves.  Not the people who are high profile and the world presents as "needy."

One of my biggest flaws is that I think I can fix things that I simply cannot fix.  Actually, I think I can and should fix things that people have no intention of fixing or don't want help in fixing.  I'm a chronic fixer.  A codependent fixer.  I want people to fix me too.

But I rarely wait for people to ask.  I never wait for "what do you think?" before giving my opinion.  I rarely wait for "how should I do it?" before letting them know how I would do it.  I barely ever wait for "can you help?" before I've offered three or four solutions to a problem.

What if this phrase is a commentary on our mission as a church?  What if the author intentionally didn't write, "give to everyone?"  What if we aren't supposed to walk into the impoverished part of town and declare their needs and hold out our hands for the "needy?"

I think it is especially an important self-care issue for caregivers.  We aren't going to be able to help all of the people who we think need help.  We aren't going to be able to help all of the people who we think deserve help or would benefit from help.  But we are able to help the people who ask for help.

Think about it: how many times did Jesus roll up, diagnose people, and decide to solve their problems?  Not too many times. In fact, in most of the time people are flocking to Jesus and asking for his help.  Of course, he responds appropriately to every single person- he helps them.  Even when he's in the middle of helping someone else.  Then after he helps people, he oftentimes retreats to the mountainside, the lake, or the wilderness to take care of himself.

Maybe this blog post isn't really going anywhere. (Did it go anywhere?) But I'll leave you with this:

Give to everyone who asks you.

18 Ugly Truths about Modern Dating

I am a sad, desperate browser  of Thought Catalog. I'm not ashamed. (I'm a little ashamed.) And I particularly love the relationship lists the writers seem to be obsessed with. What can I say? I'm a young woman of the 21st century. Give me all of the opinions on relationships you're willing to share! I eat that crap up.

Recently, there was a post (list) titled, "18 Ugly Truths about Modern Dating That You Have to Deal With."  Ignoring the fact that that title is far too long for an 800 word blog post, I'm having some issues with what is presented.

Go read the blog then come back here. Or open up a new window. I think I'd break some plagiarism rules if I copy and pasted it here. I'll be commentating because relationships are important and I hate it when people think they have to be all drama and movies to be real. Or that "modern day relationships" must be something "different" than what they used to be.

Preface: Let me define "relationship." I think the Thought Catalog author and I would disagree on this point. To me, a relationship means more than "hanging out" or "talking" as the middle schoolers like to put it. You're not in a relationship unless there's a clear understanding and acceptance of it from BOTH parties. And there's some sort of commitment like not dating other people at the same time. When did "dating" become a vague taboo word?

With that said, if you're cool with "hooking up" and being "friends with benefits" then by all means, do that. But don't pretend it's a real relationship with commitment from both sides. So if you're not into "real relationships" then this post isn't really addressed to you. The one on Thought Catalog probably is.

1. Relationships - real relationships - are not about power. They are about love, which is WAY better than "power"... whatever "power" in a relationship means... You should be outdoing each other in love, not trying to pretend you care less. What kind of relationship is that anyway?

2. And if your partner thinks they are more powerful because they care less about the relationship than you and starts playing power cards on you, then get out. I was in a relationship that played a lot of power games and it ended badly.

3. There is still this thing called "honesty" in relationships. If you can't be honest and say, "hey, I like you," and have the other person respect you for it, then boo on them. 

4. Making phone calls might be dying. It's not the "normal" thing to do anymore. Whatever. You know what else isn't "cool" or "normal?" Asking the person if you can kiss them or call them. Letters. Notes left by your bedside. Flowers for no reason. There's still people out there that will do those things for you. I promise. And you deserve it. 

5. Set plans are dead? What? What happened to calendars and schedules? And commitment. If someone isn't willing to commit to you in a relationship and you want commitment, stop kidding yourself - it's not a real relationship you want to be in. 

6. They used the word karma. Enough said. 

7. Romantic is in the eye of the beholder/receiver, yes. I can mostly agree with this. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try. I've been creepy before. I'm still friends with most of the people I creeped out. 

8. Are we talking about real relationships here? "Wanna hang out?" typically means "I have a lot of homework and want to put it off for several hours, can we snuggle and watch Netflix until I fall asleep?" And no, that doesn't mean "hooking up." 

9. Not everyone is a terrible person. However, there are definitely people who just want to hook up. That's why commitment is vital, especially when sex is involved. Sex shouldn't be something you throw around casually to your friends if you are looking for a committed relationship. 

10. This is probably true. If your person is lying about little things like that, then they are probably lying about other things. Also, that text that "wasn't supposed to go to you" and "was a joke" with someone else is probably as suspicious as you think it is. I learned this the hard way. Call the person out. 

11. If someone is afraid of commitment and you are totally into commitment, there's some unevenness in the relationship. It's probably not that he/she is afraid of commitment, but afraid of commitment with you. I learned this one the hard way too. 

12. Social media doesn't increase the chances of people cheating. Social media makes it easier. The chance that someone cheats is directly related to how much they love you. A person who loves you would never hurt you like that. 

13. "Attractive people menu?" What? I can't even... 

14. I'm into being friends with someone first. I know, I know - then you're in the friend zone or they start dating someone else. I get that. But sometimes it works out and you have already seen their crazy, manic, geeky, late-night, hangry, and adorkable side by the time you date them. And that's especially awesome because then you get to see their romantic, loving, best friend side AND you get to kiss them. Win-win. 

15. Sometimes you get to stay friends with them. That's a pretty cool option. 

16. I love subtweeting as much as the next person, but unless you (and your person) are able to directly let you know how many feels they have for you, it's probably not going to work out. Social media nuances do not a relationship make. 

17. Your real friends won't hurt you. Also, there shouldn't be any fear of people trying to "steal" your person. If he/she is committed to you, there will barely be a half second to look at anyone else. Sure, girls might moon over how he plays guitar or his beautiful blue eyes, but don't worry - he's not going anywhere. 

18. If someone dumps you via text/IM/Facebook/anything but face-to-face - you don't want to be with them anyway. Good riddance. 

In Between Moments

One of the questions I sometimes try to reflect on in my own life is, "Where am I experiencing God the most right now?"

The answer to that has changed a lot throughout my life. Obviously I can "find" God in any situation or circumstance if I "look" for Him.  But there have been moments when I wasn't even seeking Him consciously and He has just revealed Himself and made me feel His presence. Moments when I don't find Him, but He finds me. These moments rock my socks off.

So with the knowledge that I can't really conjure God's presence on my own, I look back and try to find a pattern of where I have felt His presence most in the past.

At one point in high school, God came close to me when I was in my backyard walking through the woods.
During college it was mostly when I was spending time with the youth group and I regularly watched God work through them.
Last spring it was at Jacob's Porch when I felt loved by people who had no reason to love me.
This summer it was when I ran in the afternoons as the sun was going down.

I'm feeling a change in things again.

In seminary we worship a lot. I love it. It keeps us centered on why we are here and what God is trying to tell us. We worship four days a week in the chapel at 11:30am. Most days we also have compline (nighttime worship) at 9pm. Almost all of our professors have some sort of devotional or prayer before they start class. Most of us also have some sort of personal devotional or ritual that we perform during the day. We also tend to go to church on Sunday mornings.

We worship a lot. And I love it.

But surprisingly, this isn't where I have been feeling God the most. Even in compline- which is absolutely gorgeous and exactly what I love about a worship service- I don't feel God as much as I feel Him elsewhere at seminary.

God has been finding me in the "in between" moments.

He has been finding me in the mundane conversations with my mom that turn into beautiful affirmations.
He has been finding me sitting on the floor of the old chapel sharing details about my life that I had no intention of sharing with anyone.
He has been finding me in the middle of the prayer labyrinth, not when I'm praying, but when I'm wrestling with theology alongside a friend.
He has been finding me lamenting in the hallway of my dorm while I realize that I am not alone in my struggles.
He has been finding me during midnight conversations with people I've only known for a few weeks.
He has been finding me while listening to music (not hymns, not Christian rock- just really good music) that has been shared with me.
He has been finding me every time a little girl yells my name from across a room, "Saaarwahh!"
He has been finding me in moments when I have stopped doing homework because someone has asked about Jesus and what it is like to be a seminarian.

He has been finding me in every way that I would not expect.

Probably because He's God and that's just kind of what He does- He likes to completely shatter our expectations. But it feels so big and so important. Those "in between" moments are so amazing to me. I think a lot of the time He waits until we aren't expecting it or not seeking Him and then He steps in and says, "Here I am."

Lord, as I am actively searching for You throughout the next week, month, and year, I pray that You continue to reveal Yourself to me in those "in between" moments that feel so divine. I pray that other people experience Your presence and Your love in whatever ways speak to him or her. Thank You for this community and the people who continually support this community. Thank You for Your grace and Your mercy through Jesus Christ, our Savior and Lord. Amen. 

Ruin me for the ordinary

This is the prayer I had taped to my rearview mirror for several months this past year. When it finally flew off while my windows were down, I thought maybe it was a sign that I needed to find a new prayer.

What I didn't realize until later was that this prayer, clearly visible to anyone riding in my car and very obnoxious to anyone who drives it, was pushing me toward constant prayer. I would get in my car, read it, and truly mean it every single day. I wanted God to ruin me. I didn't want to be comfortable anymore. I wanted my heart to be broken.

Well, if you know anything about my life this past year, God has done just that. I was uncomfortable, broken, and completely ruined.

But it was so good.

Now that I am starting seminary I am afraid that it is exactly where I am supposed to be. Why should I be afraid of that? Because I don't want to be comfortable. I need to be able to challenge myself. They won't let me take additional classes (yet) and I am afraid that I am going to have a very light schedule for my first semester.

So I have promised myself that if I am bored or even if I am slightly comfortable, I am going to push myself into uncomfortable and ruining situations.

I want my heart to be broken at injustice and cruelty, poverty and prejudice. I want my heart to break for the things that break God's heart. I know what that means. I know it means I am going to hurt. A lot. And I know that ruining me for the ordinary means that I will never be okay with myself in comfortable situations. I will never want an ordinary life. I know that is going to be challenging. But I am so desperate for Jesus that it doesn't matter anymore.

God isn't supposed to be comfortable to be around. My friend has a theory that, as a fallen humanity, we are not able to be naturally close to God. God is so incredibly good compared to us that we can't even fathom it.  That is why when we do things to be closer to God, whether it is turning the other cheek, forgiving over and over again, meditating, or loving people who we don't feel deserve our love- we are uncomfortable.  It doesn't feel good most of the time. Love hurts. Vulnerability hurts. But that is what brings us closer to God.

I need to keep pushing myself toward God. I don't know what that means yet, but I have a feeling that just knowing that it needs to happen is a step in the right direction.

Labels: I'm not done talking.

When I was younger (let's say about 12 and 13 years old), I met my best friend. I was wearing red pants on the first day of school and it was a match made in heaven. What most people didn't know was that I was wearing red pants because I had posed in front of the giant 4x8 foot Bush-Cheney 2004 sign in my parents' front yard. But she could tell I was political. More than that, she knew I was on her side- a conservative.

I remained political throughout junior high school. I got into political arguments on a regular basis. I was as conservative as they come. I was adorned with elephants and wore red all the time to show my pride.

Why was I conservative? A lot of people would probably say it is because my parents were. That's where we get it to begin with, right? But I think my parents ended up being more political because of me, not the other way around.

I was a Republican because my dad was in the military and a lot of people I cared about were in the military and I knew that the conservatives in office were looking out for them better than the liberals. That was the basis for my political affiliation.

I grew up thinking you could only be in one category. You had to be a part of "us" or "them."  I think a lot of people grew up with that same stereotype. You had to be liberal or conservative. You had to be a boy or a girl. You had to be an athlete or a theater geek.

It wasn't until my junior year of high school that I figured out I had been lied to. Surprise: you didn't have to be in just one group. You are allowed to agree with some views and disagree with others. In fact, I learned, most people are just like that- not many Republicans agree with every single agenda item on the Republican Party platform. And that goes for almost every other group affiliation as well.

I'm allowed to be a Lutheran without agreeing with every single thing Lutheran doctrine states. I'm allowed to be a conservative liberal. Even though 7th grade me would have scoffed at that.

I'm allowed to believe that justice is the goal of the government but without invading other people's rights in the process of achieving it.

I'm allowed to believe that the Church has some things wrong. I'm allowed to believe that right wing Republicans have a lot of things wrong. But I can also believe that Democrats have some things wrong as well.

It is hard coming back to Virginia where most people are Republican- really Republican- and trying to explain the ways in which I have changed. I have even had people ask me, "you're still a good young Republican, right?"

I don't want to be put in the group with Republicans. Not because I don't like them, but because I don't like labels. Think of what kind of other labels people might put on me if I say I'm Republican-

Homophobic
Gun-slinger
War monger
Elitist
Unsympathetic to the poor
Country hick

And what kind of stereotypes come up if I say I'm liberal?

Hippie
Socialist
Gay (I've heard it)
Uneducated
Tree hugger
Pussyfoot (heard that too)

So I say I'm a conservative liberal. What can people say to that? Besides that I'm confused. And I'm okay with that. Don't put labels on me.

I'm allowed to believe in traditional marriage and fight for gay rights.
I'm allowed to call myself a Christian and believe that sometimes abortions are okay.
I'm allowed to feed the homeless and feel that the welfare system needs an overhaul.
I'm allowed to live in a country with a representative democracy and wish I was living in the Kingdom of God instead.

Think about it: we aren't even allowed to label ourselves or other people. Who labeled the can of soup you eat? The people who created it. Who labels the shoes you wear? The creator of the shoes. Who labels the computer you're reading from? The people who made the computer.

So who gets to label you? Only God. And His labels are perfect:

You are precious: Isaiah 43:4
You are one of a kind: Psalm 139:14
You are favored: Psalm 5:12
You are blessed: Deuteronomy 28:1-14
You are loved: John 3:16

Women of Valor

I read A Year of Biblical Womanhood by Rachel Held Evans few months ago and completely fell in love with it. I never got around to writing a blog post about it because I finished it when I was in the middle of moving into my new place and I was spending an incredible amount of time with my boyfriend who is no longer long distance (for the next two months at least).

So a few days ago I decided I needed to buckle down and write something. I did what I almost always do before writing: I brainstormed. Then when nothing came up (I lose inspiration unbelievably quickly), I decided to Google Image "women of valor," one of Rachel's big themes in her book. 

I must say I was really disappointed by what Google turned up:

Here are two beautiful women (of today's standards) in medieval clothing, doing things that men usually do (playing with bows and arrows and knighting a man).  What?

Why do "women of valor" have to be "women who do what men do?"  Why can't women of valor be women who do housework exceptionally well (my mother) or women who pray relentlessly for people (my grandmother) or women who cook amazing meals for their families on a regular basis (my future sister-in-law) or women who live every day broken hearted by the world and wishing that the Kingdom of God was now (my best friend)?  

I'm not necessarily one for "feminism," at least not the way it seems to be used today. I'm a fan of men holding the door open for me and pulling out my chair. In a lot of ways, this idea of "biblical womanhood" sounded really nice to me. Yeah, maybe I don't want to make my own clothes, but I don't really have too much of a problem with cooking for my family every night or taking care of the finances.  

But I am a little put off by feminists who believe that to be a strong, independent woman you must do all the things men do and receive as much or more recognition for it. Why can't I be a strong woman who decided to raise a family and stay at home for the first twenty years of marriage instead of becoming a lawyer or a doctor? Doesn't it take just as much hutzpah to raise a few kids?

I don't believe in the feminist movement that is out to prove that women are the same as men. 

We aren't. Intellectually, motivationally, sexually, emotionally- we are not the same creatures.  God made us different. God made woman the man's helpmate. Meaning men rely on us as much as we rely on them. We cannot function or reproduce by ourselves. And we are not the same.

I'm not saying that men and women should not have equal opportunities in employment and education. But please don't try to tell me that I am a better woman of valor than my mother just because she decided to stay at home to raise two kids and I have a degree and I'm going into a "man's profession."  Just don't. 

In fact, most of the women of valor in my life are just like my mother- women who have sacrificed and lived in such a way to give more to their children and their husbands than they give to themselves. They have lived Christ-like lives with pain and sacrifice and love beyond measure. And nothing, in my opinion, seems more valorous than that.

"Woman of valor" in Hebrew is translated eschet chayil. 

With that being said, women who find their calling in being teachers: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being mothers: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being soldiers: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being followers of Christ: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being promoters of justice: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being wives: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being single and strong: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being single and broken: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves overcoming sickness of the heart, brain, or body: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves living exactly how they wish to live: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being brave despite the world: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being brave because of the world: eschet chayil!

Women who are going to grad school: eschet chayil!

Women who are bosses: eschet chayil!

Women who are their own bosses: eschet chayil!

Women who have suffered and still live to tell the story: eschet chayil! 

Women whose stories we continue to tell: eschet chayil!

Women whose stories we have forgotten: eschet chayil!

Women whose only Master is the Lord: eschet chayil!

An Ode a Friend (or two)

What if we met people that turned our worlds inside out and upside down when we needed it most?

What if people who completely shock your world continue to be a part of this ever changing piece of your life? Instead of just suddenly coming in and out of your life like lightening, what if they stay?

What if you continue to carry them with you throughout your life? Would they continue to change you or would you eventually grow accustomed to the changes and no longer feel their pull on your life?

I have this best friend. And I'm going to call her out because I'm that type of person.

Alex is the type of person you meet and you just can't help but tell her truth. All the time. Even if it gets you in trouble. She is someone I can be completely honest with and often times she shrugs her shoulders and says, "me too."  She is incredibly beautiful and she brings joy into people's lives before they even know what is going on.

She did that to me. And now I can't imagine my life without our late night talks about boys that turn into talks about faith and love and God and humanity and frailty and hurt.  Sometimes after we get off of a heavy subject, we step back and say, "woah! Where did that come from? That was weird. We should have recorded that."

We have dreams of leading a congregation together one day. Maybe not so far from now. I know that wherever I end up as a pastor, I will be employing her. She is one of the only people that is on the same (if not higher) level as me with organization and scheduling.  We would have the most efficient church in the world. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

But that's not the only reason I want her next to me in a congregation. She has a way of challenging me and questioning life that makes me want to be a better person. Don't get the wrong idea- I'm bragging about my best friend. I really wish I could keep all of her brilliance to myself but at the same time I wish I could share her with the entire world because people deserve joy. They deserve questions and challenges and hope. That's what Alex is to me. Alex is the embodiment of the idea that people aren't all bad. And that you don't have to be perfect to be really wonderful. And that God really has created people who love.

She has these brilliant moments that could make any theologian or preacher blush. (I fully plan on taking credit for them one day and sprinkling them around my sermons.)

One such remark was made when we were talking about how much love sucks- I mean hurts. 

"Love is how we touch God.  So we keep loving people and ourselves because it lets us touch Him.  But it hurts to touch holiness."

She'll deny it all day long, but she makes me a better person (besides our filthy language when we get together). She makes me love God more and lets me feel okay when I don't want to love God at all.

After my last blog post, Alex was the first one to tell me (almost immediately) that she loves me for me. No motives. No conditions. 

But she also told me that she's not the only one. There are people around me who love me because I am me. And I believe her. Weird. 

I have another friend who likes to challenge things. Although we haven't gotten into anything too deep, he's definitely on the same level with Alex and me. We question and poke and prod and we're generally unsatisfied with the answers found in text books or passed down for years. Tradition has its place but there's also room for growth and change. Someday we'll have a church. Someday God will be working through the three of us- more than He already is- and creating something new. 

I hope they continue to change me.  If I am able to keep them with me- physically, emotionally, distantly, directly- I want them to keep changing me in the ways that they did when they first shook up my life.  I want them to challenge me and push me toward something greater.

But I also want them to love me as boldly and fearlessly as they did at the very beginning. I never want that passion to dull.  That new friendship with the questions and discoveries- our favorite parts as a curious humanity.  I want all of that to continue with my best friends. I want them to be my coworkers and my Bible Study members and my Christmas dinner guests.

And they will be. Because God really likes threes. And He really likes messing up people's lives for good.