Book Review: Advent Conspiracy: Making Christmas Meaningful (Again) by Rick McKinley

As we enter the season of Advent, a time that seems to come more quickly every year, I often spend time reflecting on the meaning of the season. It’s not easy, to be sure, as I also begin thinking about Christmas gifts, holiday traveling, and preparing for the many worship services. This year, I decided to take some time to listen to the audiobook version of Advent Conspiracy: Making Christmas Meaningful (Again) by Rick McKinley. It was convicting to listen to as I drove to St. John’s Town Center to buy a Christmas gift. 

It asks the compelling question of what if the incarnation, the most incredible gift ever given in Christ Jesus, was actually what we celebrated during Advent and Christmas season? McKinley challenged me to think about those who are most vulnerable in the world as we celebrate the one who came as a vulnerable baby to an unwed mother in Bethlehem. In the next couple of weeks, I hope to focus less on the hustle of Christmas shopping and more on Christ’s mission to be with the last, lost, and least. 

Consumerism, McKinley says, is the fastest growing religion in the United States. Ouch. As much as I would like to deny it, I know that I often neglect God the Creator for the gods that are money, consumerism, and the insatiable need for the new shiny thing of the Christmas season. Even though I know, theologically, what Christmas is all about, I need to be reminded every year (if not every month and every week), that this season is meant to celebrate our incredible God who loves us so much that God would become flesh and blood and live among us. 

Christmas is about a gift— but only one— the gift that saved the entire world in his living, healing, dying, and rising again. I’ll continue to ponder what Advent might mean if we focus more on that everlasting gift and our relationship with our siblings in Christ, and less on the gifts we place under a tree. I invite you to ponder with me.     

You can find Advent Conspiracy: Making Christmas Meaningful (Again) by Rick McKinley in the St. Mark’s library. You can also find out more information about the movement at adventconspiracy.org. 

How to Love - Prince of Peace Lutheran Church

John 13:31-35

³¹When he had gone out, Jesus said, “Now the Son of Man has been glorified, and God has been glorified in him. ³²If God has been glorified in him, God will also glorify him in himself and will glorify him at once.³³Little children, I am with you only a little longer. You will look for me; and as I said to the Jews so now I say to you, ‘Where I am going, you cannot come.’ ³⁴I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. ³⁵By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

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This sermon was originally preached by me, Rev. Sarah Locke, at Prince of Peace Lutheran Church on May 19, 2019. To listen to the sermon (with infusions from the Spirit), click here. 

It is a joy to be with you this morning. I am the pastor for Jacksonville Campus Ministry, which is an ecumenical ministry that serves University of North Florida and soon Jacksonville University through the partnerships of seven denominations and over a dozen congregations in Jacksonville. 

I have the extreme privilege of working with young people and students on a regular basis and I love it. I love it most especially because young people ask all the good questions.

Recently, a student asked, “what is the most important part of Christian life?” As any good pastor or teacher would do, I asked it right back. Well what do you think? 

“I suppose it’s important to believe in Jesus and follow his example,” she replied. What does that look like? I prompted. 

“Well, doing what Jesus did. Loving people. That’s what he tells the disciples to do. We’re supposed to love people.” 

She seemed satisfied with that small answer to her big question, and the subject changed to something else. But I kept thinking about it for weeks afterwards. 

We’re supposed to love people. And this was stuck in my head and it was like a pebble in my shoe, or an itchy tag in the collar of my shirt. I couldn’t figure out why it didn’t sit quite right with me. It seemed too simple, too elementary of an answer. 

As I read the text for this week, it wasn’t the simplicity of Jesus’ example and command that struck me, it is the difficulty. 

The gospel text for this morning is one of the shortest gospel texts we get in our whole three year lectionary cycle. And it is possibly the most important. It is certainly the text that best sums up, not just the four gospels, but the entire Bible. God loves you, so love other people. “I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. ³⁵By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

And that sounds awfully nice, right? It’s nice to be loved, and it’s nice to love others. But often times I don’t think we take this seriously enough. Within the context of when Jesus tells his disciples, he is not just saying to be nice or kind to folks. He had just humbled himself to the point of humiliation by washing the disciples feet. And right after this, he will be betrayed, stripped, beaten, and hanged on a cross for everyone to witness as they come in and out of the bustling city. Love is not just a good feeling. Jesus is not simply commanding his disciples to play nice with others. 

What would the world look like if we erred on the side of this kind of love? 

Love that sacrifices itself for others. 

Love that is without fear of the unknown or the other. 

Love that forfeits power and privilege. 

Love that believes people’s experiences of injustice.

Love that breaks down walls and crosses borders. 

Love that cares more about the health and wholeness of God’s people than profit. 

Love that risks upsetting the religious elite because it is the way of love. 

Love that honors women’s bodies and the lives of minorities and vulnerable communities. 

Love that not only feeds the hungry and homeless, but fights against the powers that create the hungry and homeless. 

Love that cares more about the wellness of God’s people than church or state politics. 

Love that is more than justice or fairness, more than friendliness or politeness. 

What would the world look like if we, as Jesus’ followers, loved people in the same way that Jesus did? In the same way that God does: 

Without wondering if they deserve it. Or the color of their skin, or their country of origin, or if they have the right paperwork. Or even if they’ve broken the law. We love them. Period. Because that is what Jesus has done and that is what Jesus commands us to do. Period. No exceptions. Not when it is convenient. Not when it benefits us the most. Not when we think folks deserve it. No, we love because God loves us. And God gave Godself for us in Christ Jesus to live among us, minister to us, and be God incarnate among God’s people. 

And because this life of love, this way of love, was too much for us, was too radical and too intense, God’s people hung God on a cross and killed him. So that’s the risk we take when we follow this command. We risk losing our power and our privilege and possibly our lives. 

And we know when we are loving in this way… because our community and our lives begin to look like the passage from Revelation. We begin to live into the reality of a new heaven and a new earth. We see God among us, in one another— in every person we encounter. Death will be no more, mourning and crying and pain will be no more. All things will be made new and beautiful and good. Christ has started this work in his life, death, and resurrection, but we are called into that work as resurrection people. We are called and commanded to love. 

And if that sounds like too much for you, if it sounds like too much for us as a community, then I’d agree with you. It is too much. But it is not impossible. We have been equipped for this love in the Holy Spirit that was gifted to us in Holy Baptism. 

We dip our fingers in the water of the font and remember that we are sealed with the Holy Spirit to do this word. 

We come to the table to taste the body and blood of our Lord Christ Jesus and remember God’s love for us.

We confess that we have not loved with our whole hearts, we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. 

We hear the words of forgiveness and acknowledge that we do not have to love perfectly to love powerfully. 

Finally, we remember and affirm that love and the power to love are gifts from God. There is not and never will be a shortage of love. 

So we love. And love. And love. And love and love and love. Until the Kingdom of God is fully at hand and Christ’s glorious name is proclaimed by all. And then we love some more. Amen. 

Accepting Hospitality

A normal question we encountered over and over again at the beginning of our time here in Malaysia was, "how do you find Malaysia?" It seemed every time we saw anyone from church, they would want to know how we were getting along - especially with the weather. (It's quite hot here, if you haven't heard.)

After a few weeks, the questions turned to food. No matter what time it was or what we were about to do, every time we got into the car with someone, they would promptly ask, "Have you eaten?" We never tried it, I would guess if we had ever said we were hungry, they would have put the pedal to the floor in search of acceptable food choices.

In these past few weeks together, we have been getting a different question when gathering with folks. "What will you miss the most?"

The food.
The people.

Table fellowship.

"In the beginning was the Word. It was only when human beings appeared that the Word became food on a table. We know that language allows us to understand each other and to express what we think and feel. We humans, however, are more than language. We humans are cookingage, i.e., that which allows us to prepare the food with which we can nourish not only our body, but also our spirit. It was when we started to cook our first meals and when we started to conjugate the incarnate Word that we noticed that we were human. Both table and Word humanize us. No wonder it is essential that the table on which our meals are served be conjoined with good conversation: at the table, the word is essential."  -- Forward by Joaquín Racionero Page

(From "Theology of Food: Eating and the Eucharist" by Angel F. Méndez Montoya, vi)

Hospitality is about more than giving. I think there's also an element of receiving in it too. Showing hospitality has been instilled in me from a young age. My mom was always hosting parties and dinners when we were growing up. It seemed no matter where we moved, one thing remained constant -- our house was a place to gather, a place to eat, and a place to have fellowship. I don't remember going to as many parties as we hosted when I was growing up. It wasn't just parties, either. We constantly had people staying at our house overnight. Later, Mom would laugh and called the house Hotel Habermehl, but I remember it vividly. No matter who it was -- grandparents or friends of friends -- everyone was welcome at our house for as long as they needed to be there.

Therefore, as I grew older, I became very good at hosting and not so great at receiving hospitality.

Okay, let me be clear: my body rejects hospitality like it rejects red meat and dairy products. I'm simply not very good at being taken care of. I'm the worst guest if you expect me to just relax and receive. I'm the kind of guest you invite over before the party so I can clean your house and help bake the pies. I'm not entirely sure what it is about receiving that grates me. It probably has to do with my perfectionist tendencies and my over- achiever work ethic. Whatever it is, I was in for a rude awakening in Malaysia.

Learning to accept hospitality and assistance has been the hardest for me this year. It has taken me nearly six months to even write about how it has affected my life. We spent the year without a car, in a foreign place, with foreign food, immersed in a different language. All of these things meant I had to learn how to accept the hospitality of others.

We had to ask people (in the beginning, they were complete strangers) to take us to the grocery store.
We had to call people to ask them what words meant in an Indian restaurant.
We went to lunch with people who ordered food for us without even knowing if we would eat it.
People drove us home from church and restaurants constantly because we had no way of transporting ourselves.
We were completely reliant on other people for things we never would have imagined before.

It was weird. It drove me insane. I fought back against it. But it changed me and formed me into a woman who can -- even if I don't really want to -- accept hospitality. And as I reflect on all the things I could miss about Malaysia, my heart keeps going back to the people, their hospitality, and especially their food. It's how they show that they care deeply for us and want us to be happy (and fed). And my goodness, is it biblical and wonderful. I miss it desperately and I can't wait to get back for more.

Christian First

Like many Americans, and people all over the world, my faith is a huge determining factor in my decision-making. Although I'm not as "good" at it as I would like to imagine, I try to handle most situations in an ethical, theological, and Christo-centric way.

I am certainly an American, but I must confess, as I have confessed before - I am a Christian first. "Christ follower," "Christian," "disciple" - however you wish to put it - is my first and most important label. In fact, it is my only label. Many people will try to give me other labels first: liberal, feminist, American, millennial, Army brat, regular brat... whatever. But the reality of it is this: my identity in Christ, the fact that God has claimed me as God's child, makes all of those other labels fall away (Colossians 3:11; Galatians 3:28). 

That is why my decision-making comes from the deep reality of my identity as a Christian. That is why my Christianity deeply influences who I will vote for in the coming presidential election. It is, in fact, the only thing that will influence me in the upcoming election. Call me ignorant to economics, call me a pseudo political scientist (although my bachelor's degree says I'm a real one), but it will be my faith that influences me most in this election, not my fragile identity as an American or liberal or millennial.

My top five "issues" as a Christian: 

1) Mercy (Psalm 145:9; Hebrew 4:16; see also Jesus on the cross)
2) Equity (Romans 2:11; Galatians 3:28; 1 Corinthians 12)
3) Care (Philippians 2:4; Galatians 6:2; Proverbs 21:13; John 13:34-35)
4) Justice (Romans 12:19; Isaiah 1:17, 30:18-19; Micah 6:8)
5) Wholeness/Reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18-19; also see every healing passage)


These are the top five things I look for in a candidate's policies, in his or her character, and in his or her history. These are obviously biblically driven and things that Jesus found to be incredibly important.

2 Corinthians tells us that as God's children, we have the responsibility, the privilege, and opportunity to proclaim the message of reconciliation.

"All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation." 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Reconciliation was Jesus' purpose on this earth, therefore as one of his followers, it is my purpose on this earth. As presidential candidates, I will look for the candidate whose policies allow for these qualities to shine in this nation and throughout the world. I will look for a candidate who seems to have a heart that aligns with the gospel of Christ Jesus, regardless of what his or her religious beliefs might be. I will look for a candidate who speaks, acts, and loves most like Jesus - one who has high hopes of bringing mercy, equity, care, justice, and reconciliation into this broken nation and throughout the world.

I invite you to join me in digging deep this political season and discern Jesus' platform on each of these hot button issues. There is no doubt our conclusions will vary, but if we direct our eyes and hearts toward God and Christ's work of reconciliation, I hope we can begin to find common ground.

Prepaid Cell Phones & Grace

Ephesians 2:18-22

For through [Jesus] we both have access in one Spirit to the Father. So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.

These two verses have been showing up on my Facebook newsfeed a lot lately.  Typically the posts are directed toward conservative immigration reform, but I've been (thankfully) disconnected from American politics for about two weeks now so I have been considering these verses in a different light. 

I am humbled and amazed by the hospitality of the people here in Malaysia.  We have been invited to so many dinners, lunches, and other gatherings over the last two weeks.  People we barely know have picked us up to take us to church and Bible study.  There have been various parishioners who have gracefully corrected our ways of eating traditional meals and were gracious when foods were too spicy for us to endure.  

Even strangers have been incredibly helpful and welcoming to us. One particular story from the past week comes to mind.

We received cell phones from my supervisor when we arrived in Malaysia with the instructions to "fill them up," meaning we need to put more minutes on the prepaid cell card. Totally oblivious about how to do this, we Googled it, hoping we would be able to do virtually everything online for the first few days in-country.  Unfortunately, we weren't able to do anything with our phones online but discovered that we could go to any 7/11 and reload our phones.  

So we went. 

And as if we don't stand out enough as foreigners, we are also probably the only people in the country who don't know how to reload our phones.  So the sweet woman behind the counter refrained from laughing at us, took our money, and handed us the receipt. 

And we looked at her blankly. "So, it's reloaded?" I asked. She pointed to the receipt in my hand and I noticed the long code number printed there. "Umm..." I had no idea what I was supposed to do. 

"I will do it," she helpfully replied.  I handed the phone back over with the receipt and she entered the number, showing me how to reload my phone with minutes.  

Then it was Daniel's turn. For one reason or another, Daniel's code wouldn't go through. It kept directing him to customer service.  So we stood in the 7/11 and tried over and over again. Finally, we went back to the woman behind the counter and asked her to help us.  

The poor woman called customer service, called her manager, re-entered the code, called her manager again, and called customer service again. She was dead set on helping us poor Americans figure out this phone problem. Unfortunately, nothing worked. You could tell that she was just as defeated as we were when we asked for a refund. 

I won't forget that woman. Not because we now know how to reload minutes on our cell phones, but because she was so helpful and so gracious to a completely lost couple in a new place.  She didn't have to stand there for fifteen to twenty minutes trying to solve a problem that wasn't her own.  But she did.  And it made me feel a little bit at home, as if we weren't such silly outsiders in this country.  I don't know why she was so gracious so us, but I am so thankful that she was. 

Soggy Wedding

I think it is only appropriate that it rained on our wedding day. It was beautiful weather all week (a little bit of rain in the mornings and gorgeous in the evenings) and then Friday came around.  It threatened storms but held off for a while. My mother was giving explicit instructions to everyone around not to tell me about the downpour that was happening while I got my hair and makeup done.

But eventually I walked outside to brush my teeth (in the spirit of a Honduras trip), and all I could do was smile at the drizzle.  My bridesmaids, knowing I can be a bit dramatic and waiting for me to full-on rage, kept delicately asking, "are you okay? How are you doing?"  But honestly I didn't care at all that it was raining.  (To be honest, I wanted the rain to stop only so we could have pictures taken outside with the gorgeous mountains.)

Photos by McKenzie Canaday

All that mattered to me that day, and that entire week, was that on Friday night around 5:30pm I would be married to my best friend.  No amount of rain could dampen my mood because I was the giddiest girl in the entire world.

As we got ready for the grand reveal of my dress, the rain stopped, the sun shone beautifully, and we were able to walk down to the field and barn to take pictures with our entourage.

Photo by McKenzie Canaday

We took photos with our entire family and a lot of friends as guests began to arrive with umbrellas.  I said a silent prayer, hoping the rain would hold off until after the ceremony and I had a feeling we would be okay.

The music started. My dad took my arm. I saw Daniel's smile. We walked down the aisle.

And the heavens opened up.

Our pastor looked over at me as he began the welcome, silently asking, "are we staying here or moving inside?"  I shrugged and said, "we can stay here for now."  Then it down poured.

So we crammed everything inside the barn and tried to dry off as the groomsmen and musicians brought the speakers inside.  I felt as if everyone was looking at me, waiting for me to get emotional about the rain (or maybe I'm just that vain thinking everyone was looking at me).  All I could do was smile.  Still, even as I shivered inside the dark barn, nothing could bring my spirits down.

Everything else went off without a hitch. The rain made things more fun- people laughed and gathered closer to one another, and we chuckled about who had umbrellas and who didn't.  Pastor Gary made jokes about baptism and made some verses up about rain on your wedding day. The whole thing was a blast. I barely remember the ceremony besides the vows and me staring at Daniel through all of the prayers as tears rolled steadily down both my cheeks. (And in case you really want to listen to my voice crack again as I giggle and sob, here's the video.)

Later that night I was commended for "handling everything with such grace."  I couldn't help but think that it was not me with the grace on this day, but God whose grace so overflowed that even the heavens couldn't contain it.  Everything was wonderful. Everything was perfect.  Everything was a little bit soggy (from the rain and the tears).

So I can't help but find the humor in our wedding day as we prepare for our first year of marriage in a city of monsoons.  We started it all off being rained on, and I suspect it won't let up any time soon. But I'm perfectly happy dancing in the rain.

Words Like Accompaniment

This past week has been a wonderful roller coaster.  I had the insane privilege of meeting 12 fellow "missionaries" who are all preparing for their own crazy adventures over the next year (or three).

Photo by Jenna B.

Now I say "missionaries" in quotations not because I doubt their credibility as "missionaries," but because I don't consider myself a part of the pack.  You see, most people at this conference are giving up their families, friends, loved ones, and congregations to teach or volunteer for a year or more of Global Mission.  It would discredit these fine people to say I am doing the same.

But there is a sense in which I will be a missionary for the next year.  Internship is a little bit different than what most other are doing with Global Missions (I am in an established English-speaking congregation in a large city), but I have already been sucked into the language and mindset of missionary work within the ELCA.

I've learned how to use words like accompaniment, mission, solidarity, inclusivity, mutuality, vulnerability, sustainability, and empowerment when talking about what the Church does and how they do it.

We have learned so much and we have so much left to learn, but what has impacted me the most is the bond that has formed between us in this short amount of time.  It is so comforting to know that as Daniel and I travel this next year, we will not be alone.  We will simply be joining the stories of all the missionaries who have gone before us, walking with the missionaries sent out this year, and paving the way for missionaries who will come after us.

Photo by Jenna B at The Bean in Chicago, IL

Saying goodbye to the rest of this group is bound to be full of heartbreak (as was saying goodbye to the two people who already left this week).  But I am so thankful for this community and the support that we will provide for one another over the next few years as we continue, end, and start seminary education, as we figure out what in the world we are doing with our lives, and as we journey with one another and Christ into the unknown and ever-exciting field of Global Mission.

Sowing Seeds

My dad and I do not always get along. I fault him for not teaching me things like what to do when I get a flat tire or where to put the oil in my car or the fact that I have to renew your registration every year on your birthday (or you'll get a ticket).  (I know next to nothing about cars, if you can't tell.)  And it is always in one of those high-stress situations that I end up calling him in tears screaming, "why didn't you ever teach me this!? Why did you just do everything for me instead of showing me how to do it for myself!?"  

And I usually hang up on him, ask a stranger to help me, and eventually call Dad back to apologize and cry about the dozen other things that had gone wrong that day.  And even though I do sometimes wish my dad would have shown me a little more about cars, he spent a lot of his time showing me things much more important. 

We didn't always have a lot of money growing up - my parents spent the first year or so of marriage in a trailer - but even on a military salary, my dad found a way to give back.  Sometimes that meant coaching a baseball team (even if my brother hated it) or putting a little bit in the offering plate at church.  Before I entered high school, my dad retired from the Army and started a new job that paid quite a bit more than we were ever used to.  And although my dad spent a lot of that hard earned money spoiling my family, he also spent a lot of it giving back to people he cared about. 

I was recently asked what two characteristics I value most in a person.  I answered, "honesty and generosity." My dad is the epitome of those two characteristics.  And he valued those characteristics in others as well.  He tried to be intentional about the people he gave to - he wanted to have a relationship with them.  

He gave to Miss Martha in downtown Petersburg and she called him Santa Claus when he brought children's toys each Christmas.  The homeless and poverty-stricken men around his construction sites for his town homes knew him by name and often worked for him for a few extra dollars. He always found work for the handicapped men who came and asked for it.  He tried to be intentional about who he gave to, but he didn't always know if the money he gave would be used for good.  He had faith in Miss Martha and knew she had a heart for giving, but some of the men admitted that they spent the money earned on alcohol.  It was disappointing, but he kept employing them, talking with them, loving them. He continues to give. Sometimes to people you might not think deserve it (including my brother and me). He never thinks twice about it anymore - he just gives.  

This Sunday we heard Jesus tell the parable of the seed sower (4:26-29).  He scattered seed and left it.  He didn't tend it, he didn't worry himself over it, he didn't toil in the dirt with it.  He just scattered the seed and left it.  He went to sleep and woke up and the seed had spouted.  Eventually, ripe fruit came from the seed that was scattered.  So the man took his sickle and harvested because it was ready. 

See, that's what my dad has always shown me. We are called to sow good seeds.  There's no need to worry ourselves over whether they will produce good fruit - God will take care of all of that.  We just have to go out there and sow.  It's what my dad has done his entire life, expecting nothing in return, he has provided for my family, given to those in need, stepped up when he wasn't even asked to. And he never worried about whether my brother and I would grow up to be the perfect adults or if we would go to seminary or work in a casino or know how to fix a car.  He just gave and let God handle the rest. 

Energizing yet Crazy

It feels as if I haven't stopped moving in weeks!

So much has happened in the past couple of weeks and so much is going to happen in the next few months.  It amazes me that I have been able to keep my head on straight.  Everything is spinning at a rapid pace and it has been energizing yet crazy.  I'm exhausted, but I get a couple of weeks to relax and reboot before it gets insane again this summer.  So here is what has been happening and what is happening soon:

Last month: I have been in the process of filling out mountains of paperwork for my internship year.  Turns out that moving to a foreign country for a year is kind of complicated!  It has been hard to even think about moving to Malaysia since I have been so consumed in school work, but now that school is over, it is really starting to sink in and I am very excited about it!  

Last week: I finished my second year of seminary!  It was definitely my hardest semester yet.  I don't know how I did it, but I actually managed to pull out better grades this semester than last semester.  Actually, I do know how I did it.  I did it with the help, love, and support of my friends, professors, and family.  But I am delighted that it is over and I am excited to move along with the next part of seminary.

Last week: I also moved last week.  I put 90% of what I own in a storage unit and took the rest up to Durham.  I spend a lot of last week packing but I also spent a lot of last week saying "see you later" to everyone at seminary.  It was crazy and wonderful and bitter sweet to move away from my seminary family, but I am excited about being in Durham for a while and being adopted into a new family at St. Paul's Lutheran Church.

This week: I am relaxing!  I have been going to the gym almost every day and laying by the pool.  It is wonderful.  I am so happy.  I'm also going up to Virginia to spend some time with my second family and see some of my girls! It is going to be wonderful.

Next week: My mom comes to town! Oh AND Daniel and I are having out first bridal shower! It is going to be the best week.  Hooray!  St. Paul's is throwing us a wedding shower and it is bound to be incredible.  We are so thankful to have such a beautiful church family here.  And I couldn't be more excited to have my mom here for a week.  We are going to get so much done for the wedding and it is going to be wonderful to spend time with her.  I miss her like crazy!

Next month: I get to go to Cuba at the end of June! My theology professor asked my roommates and me to go to Cuba with a Methodist group and it is going to be incredible.  We will be working on a seminary building while we are down there.  It will be my third country in two years (with Malaysia being my fourth).  It will be super exciting to spend another week with Megan before spending a year apart.  It should be a wonderful week!

So if you haven't noticed, I'm describing most things happening in my life as "wonderful," because I could honestly not be happier.  There is a lot more happening after June, but I will leave that for another post.  I can't wait to keep in touch with everyone over the next couple of months through this blog (I'm hoping to keep up with it more regularly).  So keep an eye out if you're interested!

From Port-au-Prince to Yvon

I won’t tell you it was life-changing. It is far too easy to go back to living my normal, Westernized,  previous life in South Carolina.  It is much more difficult to change.  In fact, I am already back to my normal routine - only to be intermittently interrupted by people asking how the mission trip went.  I have not sold all of my things and I am not running to the pulpit to preach about the devastation in Haiti. 

But now I have seen it - the children and mothers begging for food, the charity from hundreds of foreign countries being auctioned on the streets.  I may not be changed, but I am not the same.  

One of the most stunningly tragic parts of the trip was the ride from Port-au-Prince to Yvon.  We left early that morning and packed into a very small bus for the ten of us and all of our luggage.  As we pulled out of the Methodist guest house compound, it became obvious that I would not be going back to sleep for the four hour ride.  

I was jostled by the symphony of honks and brakes and engines revving at the next intersection.  I was taken by the sights and the sounds all around me.  It was like nothing I had ever seen before.  I was sure that the bus driver had purposely gone through a more depressed part of the city in order to “show these North Americans how good they have it.”  But as we continued down the maze of streets, I realized that every street was the exact same.  All the vibrant colors on the walls of the city were muted by a layer of dust.

There were huge hogs in the drainage canals which were no longer draining anything due to the amount of human and animal waste piled high within them.  There was an obvious difference between the women in the streets.  In Haiti, if you get pregnant you are kicked out of school.  The young women who make it through school and are lucky enough to find a job have a visible sense of independence and pride - something that was very obvious in our translator Angee.  

As we got out of the city, I thought I would get the chance to relax my muscles and take a nap.  We rounded a corner and saw trash piled high, burning.  As we passed our group coughed and  covered our eyes.  It stung my eyes and nose and gave me a deep sense in my gut that I was not going to get any sleep on this trip.  

We passed half-complete construction sites from past service projects and empty promises.  In many places in Haiti, people will build until they run out of money and cannot build anymore.  There is no financing, no hope of asking for a loan for a new house.  Many times, houses are left half-finished with long poles of rebar sticking high into the air.  

As we continued, I started to understand the language of the car horns - the long drawn out of “I’m coming over” or the short burst to villagers of “don’t cross the street” or the tap-tap of “thank you” after passing.  My favorite was the screeching warning to cars as we flew around sharp corners at nearly 80 miles per hour.  (There are no speed limits in this part of Haiti.) 

The glimpse of the ocean between the crumbling walls helped us forget where we were for a brief second.  It is stunningly blue and tranquil outside of the dirt and chaos of the city.  Until you see the specks of people fishing - realizing that their labor is not for pleasure but survival.  

After about two hours of travel we have become accustomed to the rotting or dead animals on the side of the road.  The gusts of sewage washing over you starts to be familiar.  The houses became less  structurally sound as we moved further and further from the city.  They were made out of whatever people could buy, find, or trade - tin, mud, and palm branches. 

We slowly passed by a large market that took up almost the entire street.  Men reached into the open windows of the van trying to sell us bread, water, and sodas in glass bottles.  Others were selling school supplies, diapers, toothpaste, and soap by the box.  I felt a fire rising in my chest like heartburn as I realized that relief from foreign countries and missions were not going to people in need but instead being auctioned off to the highest bidder.  

We continued down the narrow road and as I thought, “surely we will run out of island soon and drive right into the ocean,” we turned onto a dirt road toward the village of Yvon.  

Our Kingdom

You have probably heard me say that I can express my feelings best in song and in the written word.  This is my favorite song right now. And the fact that they just sat down in her bedroom and sang it just gives me shivers. Everything about this is amazing. And I think it says a lot about who I am, whose I am, and where I am right now. It's called "Our Kingdom" in the video, and is now titled "Sons and Daughters" by Allman Brown and Liz Lawrence. 

My favorite line is "it's all to come, for now we're still young, just building our kingdom, but it's all to come."  I've been a worrier my entire life.  I have always lived in my plans for the future and I am finally to the point in my life that I don't want to do that anymore.  (See my previous blog post.) 

But I don't think this song is a love song between two people.  This is a love song between me and God.  Listen to it again.  It is a promise that no matter where I go or what I do, God is with me and will wrap his arms around me "like the moon in the arms of the sky."  

I believe in a God that will put a fire in my soul and be proud of it.  I believe in a God that "will build a fire" within the house to keep his people impassioned.  

The chorus gets me the most: 

"And I'll build a fire, you fetch the water, and I'll lay the table." 

A fire brings to mind sacrifices from the Old Testament- an incredible testament of faith from Abraham, a sacrifice of thanksgiving from hundreds of God's people.  God asks us to bring the water.  She is asking us to fetch the water and baptize her people.  And she will lay the table.  She will feed us with the sustaining, life-giving bread and wine of Christ. 

And knowing that we came from many generations of faithful people, we will pray that those generations continue.  "We still pray for sons and daughters."  

Of course the garden imagery is everywhere in the Bible.  Jesus goes there for refuge, strength, and questioning.  A garden was the very first place God knew her people.  She is inviting us back into the garden to share the "red, red wine." 

And no matter what happens or where we go, God will always "keep the light on to call [us] back home."  She wants us to continue to come back home to her, where she will wrap her arms around our hearts and keep us safe. 

And God knows that "it's all to come."  Everything we could ever hope for is to come in the eschaton.  But "for now we're still young, just building our kingdom."  For now, God has given us the mission of building the Kingdom, God's Kingdom, with her.  

It is almost as if God is giving us permission to live into our youngness.  God wants us to follow our bliss and commune with her in the garden, let him hold you tight, and be open to him building a fire.  Because we're still young and it's all to come.  

In preparation for Haiti

Most of you know this, but I went to Honduras for eleven days in January.  I haven't been able to go more than about 20 hours without thinking about that experience and how much I want to go back.  I might not get the opportunity to go back to Honduras, but I'm hoping to travel again this January.

The professor with whom I traveled takes a group to Haiti on the years he doesn't go to Honduras.

I am elated about Haiti.

I loved my experience in Honduras so much that I cannot even imagine how much fun I'll have in Haiti.  I just want to hang out with kids again.  Sweat in the sweet heat and giggle with some kids on the front porch of a school.  I've been Googling things about Haiti for the last week in anticipation. 34% of the population is younger than fourteen.  I couldn't be more excited.

Haiti intimidates me.

I don't know how to speak even a tiny bit of French.  And French Creole sounds even more exhausting.  How am I going to connect with people when I can't understand anything? When I can't speak anything?  But if I learned anything while I was in Honduras, it's that laughter and silliness are languages without distinctions.  I might be alright.

My heart breaks for Haiti.

Haiti was the first post-colonial black-led nation in the world.  They endured so much persecution by the Spanish and French over the years that their government has been pretty unstable for its entire existence.  It is currently the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere.  Poorer than Honduras? I think to myself. How my heart breaks for the people there.

Haiti is hurting.

In 2010, an earthquake struck Haiti, killing over 300,000 people and leaving over 1.5 million people homeless.  Four years later, they still haven't recovered.  They may never fully recover.  Their environment is subject to extensive deforestation and soil erosion.  And there is barely enough potable water to provide everyone with enough throughout the year.

Haiti can teach me so much.

Over 95% of Haitian citizens are black.  Over half of the population practices voodoo (although the census says that they are 80% Roman Catholic).  I am so incredibly interested in the culture there.  Not as a specimen of study, but as people I'd love to have relationships with.

I am so excited to meet my brothers and sisters in Haiti.  I'm going to be hitting everyone up for money soon.  It makes me ill to ask for money like this, but these trips are formational and completely priceless to the ministry for which God is calling me.

CPE

CPE stands for Crazy People Emoting.

CPE stands for Creating Proper Empathy.

CPE stands for Crummy Perspectives on Everything.

CPE stands for Cram-Packed Emotions.

CPE stands for Constantly Praying for the Eschaton.

CPE stands for Clinical Pastoral Education.

I'm a chaplain at a hospital here in Columbia for eleven weeks this summer.  CPE is the infamous horror story told by every middler to every incoming junior at seminary.  The tales are tall and sometimes exaggerated.

But when I first started CPE I had all of those stories in my head.  And I was terrified.  I was furious.  I didn't want to be there.  I didn't know what would happen when I started orientation six weeks ago.  I thought about fighting "the man" (who in this case in my candidacy committee and the entire ELCA) and throwing a fit until I didn't have to do CPE.  Because I thought that would work. Ha.

I just thought it was pointless. I had a normal childhood. I have a good relationship with my parents. My brother is weird but functional.  I have good friendships that go back for years.  I'm now in a relationship that is most definitely the most healthy romantic relationship I've ever been a part of.  I didn't need this CPE thing and all the crap that came with it.

I also didn't think I had any authority to walk into someone's hospital room and ask them to share their shit with me.  Who do I think I am that I might make a tiny bit of difference for anyone ever?  Psh. That's some wishful thinking that I'll "touch" someone or that I'd actually benefit from delving into my own shit during group sessions.

But look at me.  The girl who wanted so badly to hate chaplaincy is loving it and constantly talking about it.  Weird.

I learned a few things these past few weeks:

1. No matter how you were raised or what kind of family you come from, it's really nice to talk to someone who is paid to listen to you.
2. If you look for disaster and depressing situations, you're going to find them.
3. If you look for miracles and small joys throughout the day, you're going to find them.
4. Music can pretty much explain any sort of emotion you're feeling at any given moment.
5. "Talking through" things isn't something annoying people do, it's something healthy people do.
6. Community is insanely important because of #5.
7. You're never going to be perfect, so you might as well take some risks.

I can't share any of my awesome stories yet because of HIPAA stuff, but I have some awesome stories.  I have fallen in love with ministry.  I have fallen in love with caring for people.  I have fallen in love with the helplessness of crises.  I have fallen in love with what God is doing through the people here at the hospital and through me.

I'm still learning and I'm still pretty much scared to death, but I'm here.  I'm in it and I'm not hating it.  Actually half of me wants to recommend it to everyone who plans to care for another human being anytime during their life.  Half of me wants to run away from trauma pages and Code Blue's and half of me wants to run toward the families with open arms and an open heart.

I'm torn and broken and so in love.

Five Answers for This Guy

There was an article posted on The Gospel Coalition yesterday. And it made me erupt on the floor of my apartment. My first issue with the article is the length of the title. Seriously, people. If you're going to sort of pretend to be a blogger or journalist, learn how to cut down your title. Go read this thing then if you're not throwing up, come on back here and let me answer those questions for him.

Let me put a few things on the floor:

I'm one of those Christians. (Actually most of the time I don't even like it when people call me a Christian because I'm afraid they might put me in the same box as that guy who wrote that article. And Lord have mercy if people think I'm like that.) I'm one of those Christians that supports equality. Period. Marriage equality, gender equality, pay equality, ethnic equality. I just think equality is groovy. And at the heart of Christianity.

If you're using the Old Testament to defend yourself in your bigotry against homosexuality, I'll argue this: "the Bible is the cradle wherein Christ is held" (Martin Luther). Anything in the Bible that goes against the teaching of Christ (who is the Word), is simply invalid or misinterpreted.  Yeah I actually believe that. 

If you're using Paul to defend yourself in your bigotry against homosexuality, I'll share this: Paul was kind of a jerk. Also, he was writing to first century converted Christians- not middle-class American Christians in 2014. So don't take every single thing he said as the cold hard truth. Just chill out a bit. Start quoting Jesus a little more than you quote Paul and then maybe I'll take you seriously. 

But I digress; let me get down to answering these questions.

1. On what basis do you still insist that marriage must be monogamous?

Biblically, I don't really have an issue with people having multiple spouses. In the United States, however, we have laws that won't let us have multiple wives/husbands (darn).  As a Lutheran in the ELCA, my denomination does indeed state it must be a monogamous relationship in order to be recognized by the church.  Culturally (and historically in the US), people enter into marriage with one person and not multiple persons.  

So I guess my answer is, as a Christian speaking not for my denomination but for myself and my own convictions: I don't insist that marriage must be monogamous. Need citations about when polygamous relationships worked out alright in the Bible? Genesis 4, 1 Kings 11, Abram sleeping with Hagar... 

And to the comment about sons and daughters and essentially incest?  He cites medical information later, but ignores it here. Products of incest are more likely to be born with disabilities or medical problems. Plus, it's a law in the US (mostly for this reason). 

2. Will you maintain the same biblical sexual ethic in the church now that you think the church should solemnize gay marriages?

Uh, yeah. When gay marriages fall apart, we will mourn as a congregation for that loss.  I still think sex before marriage is something to be taken seriously.  Do we insist on life-long committed monogamous relationships with heterosexual couples?  Are we just as completely appalled when a pastor has an affair with another woman? Well yeah. Because there's commitment and fidelity there.  And when you break that commitment and trust, you're hurting everyone.  If a gay couple is struggling with fidelity and the family is being hurt by it, then I would handle it the exact same way as if it was a heterosexual couple. 

3. Are you prepared to say moms and dads are interchangeable?

What? We are supportive of single moms, single dads, divorced parents. Actually we are probably more supportive as a church of these groups than "happily married with 3 kids mom and pop."  Why in God's name wouldn't we be supportive of two people who love one another and want to raise a child together? My church and religious community is very much into it taking a village to raise a child. This argument is completely invalid. Sometimes my parents interchange their usual gender roles. Does that mean I'm deprived of something? Hardly. And let's face it, no matter how you raise your kid, there's a really good chance they'll need counseling in their mid-twenties anyway. 

4. What will you say about anal intercourse?

Um, nothing. Are pastors actually preaching about anal intercourse? Because I'd love to hear that sermon spun into the good news of Jesus Christ. I don't preach about other things that cause health problems either (smoking, drinking, obesity, microwaves), so why would I preach about that? Plus the fact that heterosexual couples are just as able to have anal intercourse as homosexual couples and no one has said that in all this time. If someone were to ask my "Christian opinion" on it, I'd tell them that my body is a gift from God (as is my sexuality) and I plan to treat it as such and I hope other people treat their bodies the same way. 

5. How have all Christians at all times and in all places interpreted the Bible so wrongly for so long?

To quote my good seminarian friend, "because we were dead on with that slavery thing too." Is this a serious part of the argument? Because it kind of seems like a joke. People also spent a zillion years interpreting the Bible as literal truth. We know now that that is not a great way to interpret the whole Bible. Well, okay, most of us know that. 

"The church has been of one mind on this issue for nearly two millennia. Are you prepared to jeopardize the catholicity of the church and convince yourself that everyone misunderstood the Bible until the 1960s?"

Uh, yup. That's pretty much exactly what I'm prepared to do. 

18 Ugly Truths about Modern Dating

I am a sad, desperate browser  of Thought Catalog. I'm not ashamed. (I'm a little ashamed.) And I particularly love the relationship lists the writers seem to be obsessed with. What can I say? I'm a young woman of the 21st century. Give me all of the opinions on relationships you're willing to share! I eat that crap up.

Recently, there was a post (list) titled, "18 Ugly Truths about Modern Dating That You Have to Deal With."  Ignoring the fact that that title is far too long for an 800 word blog post, I'm having some issues with what is presented.

Go read the blog then come back here. Or open up a new window. I think I'd break some plagiarism rules if I copy and pasted it here. I'll be commentating because relationships are important and I hate it when people think they have to be all drama and movies to be real. Or that "modern day relationships" must be something "different" than what they used to be.

Preface: Let me define "relationship." I think the Thought Catalog author and I would disagree on this point. To me, a relationship means more than "hanging out" or "talking" as the middle schoolers like to put it. You're not in a relationship unless there's a clear understanding and acceptance of it from BOTH parties. And there's some sort of commitment like not dating other people at the same time. When did "dating" become a vague taboo word?

With that said, if you're cool with "hooking up" and being "friends with benefits" then by all means, do that. But don't pretend it's a real relationship with commitment from both sides. So if you're not into "real relationships" then this post isn't really addressed to you. The one on Thought Catalog probably is.

1. Relationships - real relationships - are not about power. They are about love, which is WAY better than "power"... whatever "power" in a relationship means... You should be outdoing each other in love, not trying to pretend you care less. What kind of relationship is that anyway?

2. And if your partner thinks they are more powerful because they care less about the relationship than you and starts playing power cards on you, then get out. I was in a relationship that played a lot of power games and it ended badly.

3. There is still this thing called "honesty" in relationships. If you can't be honest and say, "hey, I like you," and have the other person respect you for it, then boo on them. 

4. Making phone calls might be dying. It's not the "normal" thing to do anymore. Whatever. You know what else isn't "cool" or "normal?" Asking the person if you can kiss them or call them. Letters. Notes left by your bedside. Flowers for no reason. There's still people out there that will do those things for you. I promise. And you deserve it. 

5. Set plans are dead? What? What happened to calendars and schedules? And commitment. If someone isn't willing to commit to you in a relationship and you want commitment, stop kidding yourself - it's not a real relationship you want to be in. 

6. They used the word karma. Enough said. 

7. Romantic is in the eye of the beholder/receiver, yes. I can mostly agree with this. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try. I've been creepy before. I'm still friends with most of the people I creeped out. 

8. Are we talking about real relationships here? "Wanna hang out?" typically means "I have a lot of homework and want to put it off for several hours, can we snuggle and watch Netflix until I fall asleep?" And no, that doesn't mean "hooking up." 

9. Not everyone is a terrible person. However, there are definitely people who just want to hook up. That's why commitment is vital, especially when sex is involved. Sex shouldn't be something you throw around casually to your friends if you are looking for a committed relationship. 

10. This is probably true. If your person is lying about little things like that, then they are probably lying about other things. Also, that text that "wasn't supposed to go to you" and "was a joke" with someone else is probably as suspicious as you think it is. I learned this the hard way. Call the person out. 

11. If someone is afraid of commitment and you are totally into commitment, there's some unevenness in the relationship. It's probably not that he/she is afraid of commitment, but afraid of commitment with you. I learned this one the hard way too. 

12. Social media doesn't increase the chances of people cheating. Social media makes it easier. The chance that someone cheats is directly related to how much they love you. A person who loves you would never hurt you like that. 

13. "Attractive people menu?" What? I can't even... 

14. I'm into being friends with someone first. I know, I know - then you're in the friend zone or they start dating someone else. I get that. But sometimes it works out and you have already seen their crazy, manic, geeky, late-night, hangry, and adorkable side by the time you date them. And that's especially awesome because then you get to see their romantic, loving, best friend side AND you get to kiss them. Win-win. 

15. Sometimes you get to stay friends with them. That's a pretty cool option. 

16. I love subtweeting as much as the next person, but unless you (and your person) are able to directly let you know how many feels they have for you, it's probably not going to work out. Social media nuances do not a relationship make. 

17. Your real friends won't hurt you. Also, there shouldn't be any fear of people trying to "steal" your person. If he/she is committed to you, there will barely be a half second to look at anyone else. Sure, girls might moon over how he plays guitar or his beautiful blue eyes, but don't worry - he's not going anywhere. 

18. If someone dumps you via text/IM/Facebook/anything but face-to-face - you don't want to be with them anyway. Good riddance. 

Crying.

Sometimes I cry. 

I cry a lot. 

I cry when I'm sad and I cry when I'm happy. Sometimes I cry when I think of you and how far away you are. I cry when I think of all the things I should have done. And I cry when I think of all the things I still have to overcome. Sometimes I cry for no reason at all. But mostly, I cry when I pray.

I don't pray just anywhere. And I try not to cry just anywhere either. My favorite places to pray are very simple. I love to pray in nature- when I feel God's presence around me in the beautiful things I can see and feel. And I love to pray in an empty sanctuary. When I was still in high school, I would sometimes walk out into the woods behind my house if it was a nice day and I would take in everything- the smells, the sounds, the sun glistening off the pond. I would run my hand over tree trunks and feel dirt run through my fingers. I felt at home there. And I had conversations with God. I felt like Adam in the garden before the fall, like God was right there walking beside me. After these walks I would almost always feel refreshed and ready to move on to the next part of my busy life. I sometimes felt that I had a whole new meaning and goal I was working toward when I emerged from the woods. It felt wonderful. 

I have only ever prayed in an empty sanctuary twice. Once, I was cleaning for my old church in Virginia and no one was in the church except for me. I knew it would be safe to go to the alter and kneel at the cross. No one would see me there. There is something about being in a silent church at an unusual time. That day, it was around 5pm and the light streaming in from the stain glass windows was indescribable. Seeing that was enough to make me feel the Holy Spirit. But I kneeled down at the alter and I cried. I cried and I prayed and I put my hands on the alter and let my tears fall to the floor. I had never prayed like that before. I had this feeling that God was really listening to me in that church that evening. It is hard to say why or try to describe the feeling, but I felt as if every word I spoke was delivered up to Him by angels.

The second time I cried in an empty church was in Ohio. My grandfather's church has a beautiful stained glass window above the alter and right around 3pm, the sunlight streams in like God opening the heavens. It is breathtaking. I don't remember why I had gone to the church that day or why I had my grandmother's key to the church, but I went inside quietly as to creep around the cleaning lady. I didn't go in with the intention of praying, but after seeing how beautiful it was, something moved inside me and I had to kneel at the railing. I wept for everything that afternoon. Things I don't even remember and things I am trying to forget. I wept for 45 minutes at the railing and wept as I drove myself home. I cannot describe how liberating it was. Sometimes I just need to cry. 

There is something that comes over me sometimes. I don't know what it is or how to describe it. I'm not sad or frightened. Sometimes when I cry I hate it because I don't understand it at all. But I think I understand why I cry when I pray. 

I am so overwhelmed with relief. At first I am grieving. I am grieving the fact that I will never be good enough. I can never pray long enough. I can never love God enough. I will never be as good as I should be for Him. And He knows it. He knew it before I was ever born- before I was even a thought in my parents' minds.  He knew everything about me and the struggles that I would go through and the thoughts that would race through my head every night before I go to sleep. 

He has felt my pain and knows my sorrows and knows why I cry. He understands everything that is inside me. Yet he lets me cry. He encourages me to cry. And He cries with me. He leads me down a path so that I may love Him more and more every single day of my life. And I try. I try so hard to live my life in a way that He would be proud of. But I know I cannot be good enough for Him. I will never be good enough to deserve what He has already given me. That is why I cry. 

But then my sorrow and self-pity turns to relief. Like a barber turning his sign from “Open” to “Close” at six o'clock every night. My emotion turns so quickly. I weep with relief. I remember- He reminds me- that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be good enough for Him. Because He loves me anyway. In spite of my sin- because of my humanity- He loves me. 

He loves me so much that He gave His only Son to die for my sins. My sins! I have so many! I surely don't deserve to have someone be crucified on a cross for my sins! Let alone the Son of God! But I don't deserve it. That is what makes me cry. I am so unworthy of His powerful and everlasting love. Yet, He calls me back when I stray, saying, “Please, I am not done with you. I want to love you more and give you more and be here forever and ever for you.” But I do stray. And I do wander. And when I do, He never loses sight of me and is always waiting for me with open arms to welcome me back into His presence. 

And I cry. Because I realize that I have not been living the way He wants me to live. He is calling me to His table every single day, every hour, every moment, saying, “Come, eat this bread and you will not hunger. Drink this wine and you will not thirst. This is my feast that I have prepared for you. Come eat with me at my table.” He is so quick to invite me to sit with Him. As if I am worthy! But instead of taking His gift, His generosity, His love, I am hiding underneath the table in my guilt and sorrows. 

He knows I cannot always be good and I cannot always be right. But I am called to love the people that are hardest to love. I am called to recognize that everyone makes mistakes and I am called to forgive those mistakes. Every single time. The Lord loves me so much, without measure, and without reason. He loves me every single day in a way that is so completely unimaginable that it makes me cry. 

And I am supposed to love everyone around me with that same type of love. Because of God's love, I am to love others. And I am trying. I may not always be right and I may not always be strong, but I know that God forgives me until the day that I die. I do not have to be right on my own. He is there for me. And I will never have to be strong- for He will always be there with me. Because of Him, I am able to conquer all evil. And through Him, I am able to love all of God and all of His people. 

Love.

I've had this video saved for a few months now. I watched it once. I don't remember where I first found it. Then I watched it six times after that. The "script" is written out below.

I heard that God wears a white hood and burns crosses.
I heard that God sold kool-aid to Jim Jones.
I heard that DOMA was written in his handwriting.
I heard that God seeks revenge through natural disaster.
I heard that God watches torture in his inquisitions.
I heard that God fashioned Matthew Shepherd into a crucifix.
I heard that God protests at funerals.
I heard heaven's gates were built to keep me out. 

That God's word forces secrets into my back pockets.
Leviticus 18:22 and men I cannot call my lovers
In wooden pews, that I am unholy.
Demonized
Heretic
That'll I'll end up in October crucifixion.
A rusted fence of sin
They say that God can soundproof his ears to fags
That he never meant to create.  

They say that God has abandoned me.
For never coming to wrathful sermons
That called me a bastard, orphan, sinner
I heard heaven is built on faith alone
Half baked apologies fed to God's willing eardrum
Blackened keys to heaven's gates
A white robe for even the bloodiest of hands
I heard God's forgiveness is just permission to be vengeful
That all it takes to be a good Christian is to call yourself one
Slit throats, then pray, ask for forgiveness after
Given your wings just for asking 

I heard God can't help me
My heart is hemophilic.
I bleed out scarlet lettered sins
I heard that God spoils his children
Never punishes their bad behavior
Always accepts their apologies because he can't bother to listen
God is too busy to open my prayers
God is always busy  

He wishes I could fix everything myself
They tell me he would leave me entirely
If I wasn't a white Christian girl in America
They say that he is worried about his image
To those who fund his paycheck
Heaven seems so expensive
Why can't God tell me these things himself? 

Tell your God that I mention him in my prayers
Tell him I miss him
That I know it's not his fault
It's just that he hung out with people like you for too long
Tell him I carry the faith of a gospel choir in my chest
Tell him I have not turned my prayers into chalk lines 

Tell your God that he is my God too
That I want him back
Tell him to show you my blueprints
How he created us both
Tell him to remind you that I am beautiful too
Tell him I've read the Bible
I know of love.
It is diverse, thousands of flowers
I've seen it in the shape of an orchid
Blooming inside my chest
Until the day it was ready to come out 

Tell your God he did something right
I grew up to be a lover
Tell your God
I've seen him officiate more weddings than funerals
Tell him that we are all imperfect
And thank him for it
Tell him he's a great father
Even in absence
That his children feel safe in his arms
That the sun rises for him
Her
You
Us
That I can feel his warmth on my back
Tell him I don't believe the rumors.
Tell your God: I forgive him. 

I just watched this video again (8 times). And I am completely heartbroken.

I know those feelings. I have been told that I need a "good influence" in my life because "God doesn't want to listen to sinners." Good friends of mine have been told that God didn't mean to create them. Others have been told that the bad things happening in their lives were a punishment from God for their sins. One of my best friends is told that they way God created her is an abomination.

Who told us these things?

People who call themselves Christians.
People who wear the cross proudly. Like a badge.
People who go to Christian colleges.
People who have read the Bible cover to cover.

People who don't understand the Gospel.
People who reshape Jesus' teachings to fit their prejudices.
People who don't understand God's love and forgiveness.

People who call themselves Christians.

People like me.

In my introduction to theological thinking class (and I think the middler's theology class) spent a lot of time talking about what it means to be a "real Christian." Yeah, I know. I don't know what that means either. But I have a pretty good idea that if we were all acting like "real Christians" - ones that love and follow Jesus and his teachings - people wouldn't look so critically at us.

Instead we judge and push and hate.
We do everything that Christians aren't supposed to do.

I'm really starting to hate Christians. (See? I do it too... ugh.)

So what in the hell are we supposed to do? How are we supposed to be better Christians?

Love. Love love love.

Seriously. It's that easy. And it's that freakin' hard.