Ruin me for the ordinary

This is the prayer I had taped to my rearview mirror for several months this past year. When it finally flew off while my windows were down, I thought maybe it was a sign that I needed to find a new prayer.

What I didn't realize until later was that this prayer, clearly visible to anyone riding in my car and very obnoxious to anyone who drives it, was pushing me toward constant prayer. I would get in my car, read it, and truly mean it every single day. I wanted God to ruin me. I didn't want to be comfortable anymore. I wanted my heart to be broken.

Well, if you know anything about my life this past year, God has done just that. I was uncomfortable, broken, and completely ruined.

But it was so good.

Now that I am starting seminary I am afraid that it is exactly where I am supposed to be. Why should I be afraid of that? Because I don't want to be comfortable. I need to be able to challenge myself. They won't let me take additional classes (yet) and I am afraid that I am going to have a very light schedule for my first semester.

So I have promised myself that if I am bored or even if I am slightly comfortable, I am going to push myself into uncomfortable and ruining situations.

I want my heart to be broken at injustice and cruelty, poverty and prejudice. I want my heart to break for the things that break God's heart. I know what that means. I know it means I am going to hurt. A lot. And I know that ruining me for the ordinary means that I will never be okay with myself in comfortable situations. I will never want an ordinary life. I know that is going to be challenging. But I am so desperate for Jesus that it doesn't matter anymore.

God isn't supposed to be comfortable to be around. My friend has a theory that, as a fallen humanity, we are not able to be naturally close to God. God is so incredibly good compared to us that we can't even fathom it.  That is why when we do things to be closer to God, whether it is turning the other cheek, forgiving over and over again, meditating, or loving people who we don't feel deserve our love- we are uncomfortable.  It doesn't feel good most of the time. Love hurts. Vulnerability hurts. But that is what brings us closer to God.

I need to keep pushing myself toward God. I don't know what that means yet, but I have a feeling that just knowing that it needs to happen is a step in the right direction.

Labels: I'm not done talking.

When I was younger (let's say about 12 and 13 years old), I met my best friend. I was wearing red pants on the first day of school and it was a match made in heaven. What most people didn't know was that I was wearing red pants because I had posed in front of the giant 4x8 foot Bush-Cheney 2004 sign in my parents' front yard. But she could tell I was political. More than that, she knew I was on her side- a conservative.

I remained political throughout junior high school. I got into political arguments on a regular basis. I was as conservative as they come. I was adorned with elephants and wore red all the time to show my pride.

Why was I conservative? A lot of people would probably say it is because my parents were. That's where we get it to begin with, right? But I think my parents ended up being more political because of me, not the other way around.

I was a Republican because my dad was in the military and a lot of people I cared about were in the military and I knew that the conservatives in office were looking out for them better than the liberals. That was the basis for my political affiliation.

I grew up thinking you could only be in one category. You had to be a part of "us" or "them."  I think a lot of people grew up with that same stereotype. You had to be liberal or conservative. You had to be a boy or a girl. You had to be an athlete or a theater geek.

It wasn't until my junior year of high school that I figured out I had been lied to. Surprise: you didn't have to be in just one group. You are allowed to agree with some views and disagree with others. In fact, I learned, most people are just like that- not many Republicans agree with every single agenda item on the Republican Party platform. And that goes for almost every other group affiliation as well.

I'm allowed to be a Lutheran without agreeing with every single thing Lutheran doctrine states. I'm allowed to be a conservative liberal. Even though 7th grade me would have scoffed at that.

I'm allowed to believe that justice is the goal of the government but without invading other people's rights in the process of achieving it.

I'm allowed to believe that the Church has some things wrong. I'm allowed to believe that right wing Republicans have a lot of things wrong. But I can also believe that Democrats have some things wrong as well.

It is hard coming back to Virginia where most people are Republican- really Republican- and trying to explain the ways in which I have changed. I have even had people ask me, "you're still a good young Republican, right?"

I don't want to be put in the group with Republicans. Not because I don't like them, but because I don't like labels. Think of what kind of other labels people might put on me if I say I'm Republican-

Homophobic
Gun-slinger
War monger
Elitist
Unsympathetic to the poor
Country hick

And what kind of stereotypes come up if I say I'm liberal?

Hippie
Socialist
Gay (I've heard it)
Uneducated
Tree hugger
Pussyfoot (heard that too)

So I say I'm a conservative liberal. What can people say to that? Besides that I'm confused. And I'm okay with that. Don't put labels on me.

I'm allowed to believe in traditional marriage and fight for gay rights.
I'm allowed to call myself a Christian and believe that sometimes abortions are okay.
I'm allowed to feed the homeless and feel that the welfare system needs an overhaul.
I'm allowed to live in a country with a representative democracy and wish I was living in the Kingdom of God instead.

Think about it: we aren't even allowed to label ourselves or other people. Who labeled the can of soup you eat? The people who created it. Who labels the shoes you wear? The creator of the shoes. Who labels the computer you're reading from? The people who made the computer.

So who gets to label you? Only God. And His labels are perfect:

You are precious: Isaiah 43:4
You are one of a kind: Psalm 139:14
You are favored: Psalm 5:12
You are blessed: Deuteronomy 28:1-14
You are loved: John 3:16

This I (sort of) Believe

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the difference between what we want to believe and what we actually do believe.

And it has been tearing me apart.


I want to believe a lot of things:

I want to believe that humanity is good at heart.
I want to believe that people who do cruel things are the exception, not the rule.
I want to believe that the government is going to protect our rights.
I want to believe that the God of today is more like the God of the New Testament and less like the God of the Old Testament.
I want to believe that when bad things happen it is not always because God is teaching us a lesson.
I want to believe that the financial insecurity of being a pastor will not interfere with my plans for a family and a future.
I want to believe that I can be without luxuries and not complain.
I want to believe that there are many more good people than hurtful people in the world.

I want to believe these things. I'm not sure I'm quite there yet. Social media and mainstream media hurts my beliefs in many ways. The news likes to reports all of the "oh no's" of the world, not the "oh yeses!"  I think it hurts a lot of people's faith, not just mine. It is hard being an upbeat Christian when much of the world around you seems to be saying that everything is going wrong and people are cruel.

With school shootings, kidnapping, and genocide, it is really hard to look at humanity and believe that it is really a nice group with which to be associated. I don't want to be a part of this fallen world, but the reality is that I am. And as a part of it, I am constantly searching for that small bit of hope in a world that is telling me there is none. I think many people in the older generation don't believe the children and grandchildren they raised can be joyful in a world of despair. I think it is hard for everyone in every generation. But I think our generation is more willing to look for what gives us hope. We won't take "despair" for an answer.

On this day, when I learned that one of my childhood best friends committed suicide... I'm looking for hope. I'm looking for something to cling to. I'm looking for joy in the midst of sorrow.

Jesus is my hope.

Jesus is what turns my "I want to believe" into "I really do believe" on a daily basis. My faith is small and still growing, so my hope is not always as well-developed as I would like it to be. But it is there. Jesus is the reason my psychological assessment reads, "she often views the world through rose-colored glasses." Jesus is my rose-colored glasses.

I DO believe that God has a plan for my life and for the lives of everyone in this world.
I DO believe that I can learn from the mistakes that I have made as well as the mistakes of others.
I DO believe that although we are fallen, God has given us new hope in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
I DO believe that my gifts and my call has led me to seminary this fall, despite and because of everything that this life has put me through.
I DO believe that I am saved.
I DO believe that everyone in the entire world is saved.

That is what I cling to. Don't we deserve a little hope in a world that seems to be falling apart around us? Don't we deserve to be called "beloved?"

Honesty.

Some people might call this airing my dirty laundry. The synod candidacy committee might call it "baring my scars." I kind of just want to call it honesty.

This isn't an attack. This isn't to make people feel sorry for me or make them feel guilty. You will know if I am writing about you, but that's not the point. This isn't about you. This is about my faith journey and the things that have torn me apart and the God that is piecing me back together.

Honestly, I don't really know what I believe.

I know what I am supposed to believe. And I know in what and in whom I am supposed to have faith. But you know what? I don't. And I don't know if that's okay. I don't think it is. But I'm tired of holding on to this and not being able to express it.

I was cheated on about a year ago. I had been dating the guy for over two years and I was madly in love with him. Spend the rest of our lives together, do anything for him, talk about him all the time, can't imagine a life with anyone else - madly and crazily in love with him.

And he cheated on me.

If you've ever been cheated on, you know what it does. Or you're still learning the effects of the heartbreak. I felt disgusting. I was convinced that I had done something to make him cheat on me. I wasn't good enough for him to love. I wasn't a good girlfriend. Or I was ugly. I was somehow a broken person that, if he couldn't love - someone so amazing and pure and perfect - then no one could love.

I believed that with every part of my broken, ugly, flawed body and mind.

So I threw myself at anything that would love me. Or at least want me in one way or another. I threw myself at guys, work, projects, charities, parties, alcohol. Anything that would numb the hurt or make me feel loved again.

But everyone wanted something in return. If I wanted to feel wanted, I had to give them something too- whether it was mutual want (which I was physically and emotionally incapable of), or work, or sex, or some other type of benefit. I knew that if I wanted to be wanted, I had to give something to someone.

As if that wasn't enough- feeling completely inadequate with who I was as a person- God put it in my heart to forgive him. Not only did I know I needed to forgive him, I knew I needed to give myself back to him. We had to start from the beginning and do this all over again. This broken trust thing, this crumpled piece of paper of a relationship. It hasn't been easy, but all three of us (God, me, and my boyfriend) are working really hard to get better and love greater.

In the midst of this work, about five weeks ago, my entire world shattered again.  I was told that I had been betrayed by the two people I care most about in the entire world. For over twelve years I had been lied to. Not openly and only to protect me. I know that in my heart. But they were lies of omission. They were lies that would have completely changed my childhood. And I was finding out about them twelve years later.

So to recap: I was betrayed (overtly and intentionally) by the one person I loved more than I loved myself, and for longer than that I was betrayed by the two people that were supposed to love me more than themselves.

So there's that.

That's why I am struggling so much with my faith right now.

That's why I'm struggling with my friends right now. That's why lies of omission hurt so badly. That's why little betrayals that don't seem like a big deal to someone else completely break me apart. That is why I have trust issues and I constantly feel as if people are hiding things from me. That is why I can't believe that people can or ever will be truthful to me when it seems so much easier for people to lie. That's why I am so angry all the time about things that other people just "get over."  It has happened too much. It has cut too deep. And now I don't know where to go with any of it.

After all of this, I can't believe in a God that loves me just because He loves me. Because I breathe. Because I am His creation.

I want to. I desperately want to believe in a God that has mercy and forgiveness and endless love. I want to believe that so much. But I don't believe that someone can love me just because I am me. It has been proven to me over and over again that people like that don't exist.

And I know- God isn't a person. He is capable of things that no human can even imagine being capable of...

I know. I know all of this. I can preach it, I can explain it. I can convince other people of it on a regular basis.

I just don't believe it.

I want to believe it so badly because if I believe that God can love me for me then maybe I can start believing that other people can love me for me. No motives, no needs, no mutual exchange of goods. Then maybe I'll feel whole again.