"Committed monogamous relationship."

I'm going to go and be "one of those people." You know, the kind of person that spouts a bunch of "problems with the Church" and expects someone else to go solve them.

Okay, so you know me a little bit better than that. I might go spouting, but it is unlikely that I won't at least give you a solution or even try to solve it myself. So here it goes.

I have two problems with the Church. When I say "the Church," I mean either the ELCA as a whole or specifically the churches/congregations I have encountered in my (short) life. Also, these two problems are almost entirely unrelated. So there's that. I'll throw one out today and I'll leave the other one for another day.

The first one applies to the entire ELCA's policy on homosexual pastors, deacons, etc.

I know, you freaked out a little bit right? Chill. In the ELCA, they are trying really hard to be progressive and include as many people as possible into ministry (most likely because the Church is dying, but I'd like to think it is for more noble reasons). One of the policies for the "Visions and Expectations" of clergymen and women is that homosexuals are able to live together and are recognized as a family is they are in a committed monogamous relationship. I paraphrased the first part but "committed monogamous relationship" is a quote. Cool! Yay! Human rights!

Heterosexual couples are not to live with one another unless they are married.

Married.

Wait a second- why did the wording change? Why can't heterosexual couples be in "committed monogamous relationships" and live together? Well, you might think, because heterosexual couples are actually ABLE to be married, so they should  be in order to live with each other. But is this always the case? And in states were homosexual unions are legal, does the rule change? I'll give you a few examples:

My boyfriend and I are much too young (in our eyes) to be married at this point. Also, we have zero amounts of money to hold a wedding. Yet, when we move to South Carolina and I start seminary, we are unable to live in the family apartments. I have to live in a dorm and he will find a house or apartment to live in by himself. We will spend twice as much on housing and I will go into twice as much debt because we are not married. Even if we were engaged, we would not be permitted to live together, even though we have been in a "committed monogamous relationship" for four years.

A man and woman are so much in love and have committed to one another in their own way. They are unable to be married because the woman is a widow and if she remarries, her son with not be able to claim the money from his father's death. They are depending on that money for the son to go to college. The man and woman have been in a "committed monogamous relationship" for eight years. They would not be permitted to live together.

I understand what the ELCA is trying to do and I am proud of them for it. However, while they are inclusive to homosexuals, they must also realize that they are behind the times in other aspects of "untraditional marriage and relationships."

Beside the point that "it's not fair," which I understand is a pretty lame argument on any front, I don't think Jesus would have cared. Honestly. If we can go to sleep and night telling ourselves that love is love and what happens behind the closed doors of homosexuals is none of society's business, then why can't we say the same for heterosexuals? I'm a fan of tradition. But sometimes tradition just isn't how things work out. Sometimes you have to be a little progressive. After all, that's pretty much what Jesus preached the entire time He was on this earth. If we aren't moving forward we are moving back.

I am a twenty-one year old heterosexual female. I am in a committed monogamous relationship, and I should be allowed to live with my partner without being married. Darn it.

Women of Valor

I read A Year of Biblical Womanhood by Rachel Held Evans few months ago and completely fell in love with it. I never got around to writing a blog post about it because I finished it when I was in the middle of moving into my new place and I was spending an incredible amount of time with my boyfriend who is no longer long distance (for the next two months at least).

So a few days ago I decided I needed to buckle down and write something. I did what I almost always do before writing: I brainstormed. Then when nothing came up (I lose inspiration unbelievably quickly), I decided to Google Image "women of valor," one of Rachel's big themes in her book. 

I must say I was really disappointed by what Google turned up:

Here are two beautiful women (of today's standards) in medieval clothing, doing things that men usually do (playing with bows and arrows and knighting a man).  What?

Why do "women of valor" have to be "women who do what men do?"  Why can't women of valor be women who do housework exceptionally well (my mother) or women who pray relentlessly for people (my grandmother) or women who cook amazing meals for their families on a regular basis (my future sister-in-law) or women who live every day broken hearted by the world and wishing that the Kingdom of God was now (my best friend)?  

I'm not necessarily one for "feminism," at least not the way it seems to be used today. I'm a fan of men holding the door open for me and pulling out my chair. In a lot of ways, this idea of "biblical womanhood" sounded really nice to me. Yeah, maybe I don't want to make my own clothes, but I don't really have too much of a problem with cooking for my family every night or taking care of the finances.  

But I am a little put off by feminists who believe that to be a strong, independent woman you must do all the things men do and receive as much or more recognition for it. Why can't I be a strong woman who decided to raise a family and stay at home for the first twenty years of marriage instead of becoming a lawyer or a doctor? Doesn't it take just as much hutzpah to raise a few kids?

I don't believe in the feminist movement that is out to prove that women are the same as men. 

We aren't. Intellectually, motivationally, sexually, emotionally- we are not the same creatures.  God made us different. God made woman the man's helpmate. Meaning men rely on us as much as we rely on them. We cannot function or reproduce by ourselves. And we are not the same.

I'm not saying that men and women should not have equal opportunities in employment and education. But please don't try to tell me that I am a better woman of valor than my mother just because she decided to stay at home to raise two kids and I have a degree and I'm going into a "man's profession."  Just don't. 

In fact, most of the women of valor in my life are just like my mother- women who have sacrificed and lived in such a way to give more to their children and their husbands than they give to themselves. They have lived Christ-like lives with pain and sacrifice and love beyond measure. And nothing, in my opinion, seems more valorous than that.

"Woman of valor" in Hebrew is translated eschet chayil. 

With that being said, women who find their calling in being teachers: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being mothers: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being soldiers: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being followers of Christ: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being promoters of justice: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being wives: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being single and strong: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being single and broken: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves overcoming sickness of the heart, brain, or body: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves living exactly how they wish to live: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being brave despite the world: eschet chayil!

Women who find themselves being brave because of the world: eschet chayil!

Women who are going to grad school: eschet chayil!

Women who are bosses: eschet chayil!

Women who are their own bosses: eschet chayil!

Women who have suffered and still live to tell the story: eschet chayil! 

Women whose stories we continue to tell: eschet chayil!

Women whose stories we have forgotten: eschet chayil!

Women whose only Master is the Lord: eschet chayil!

Praying

There are a lot of things I'm not good at. Like playing basketball. And math. And remembering dates. 

And praying aloud.

How do you pray? (Seriously, I want to know...)

Are you one to say everything out loud so fast that you barely remember what you said?
Do you raise your hands above your head and speak slowly, putting thought into every word?
Some people think it in their minds and in their hearts, do you?

I don't think there is a right way to pray. God hears us always, no matter what we say or do not say. 

I am not that great at praying aloud in front of people. Or even just Ronnie. My words don't make sense and usually I end up babbling about all the atrocities that break my heart in the world. That's fine and great, but I am going to be a pastor, and as such, I am going to be praying in front of people a lot. And probably from the seat of my pants. Wippee.  

I am trying to be better about praying aloud, but until then I will continue my prayers in my journal where I can go back and reflect on them in the future. 

I have a thing for the written word as opposed to the spoken word sometime. 

Therefore, for part of our Lenten sacrifice, Ronnie and I have been going through the Book of Psalms. I love it because of its prayers and beautiful imagery. 

So today I started writing out some of my favorite verses and it sort of developed into two prayers that I fell in love with. 

I want to share them with you because a) I'm proud of them (you know, because I can brag about verses in the Bible) and b) I think a lot of people have trouble with prayers and I'm hoping that maybe these prayers will help someone talk to God a little more comfortably. 

Morning Prayer

Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered- how fleeting my life is (39:4). God has made a home in the heavens for the sun. It bursts forth like a radiant bridegroom after his wedding. It rejoices like a great athlete eager to run the race (19:5). Thank you for letting the sun rise on me again, Lord. Show me the right path. O Lord; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you (25:4,5). Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly (5:3). 

Evening Prayer

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer (19:14). I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God. Bend down and listen as I pray (17:6). Hear me as I pray O Lord. Be merciful and answer me (27:7)! How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults (19:12). No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety (16:9). In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe (4:8). 

I hope these help someone talk to God. That's what the Psalms are for anyway, right? 

It would have killed me.

Part of the preparation for a Lutheran (ELCA specifically) seminarian is to go through a psychological assessment.  With real psychologists and real counselors.  For two whole days.  It sounds a bit intimidating right? It is.

But it is necessary to the process of discernment - a type of inward journey to find out how/what God is calling you to do.  One of the main objectives of the psych assessment is to help you recognize and "treat" your weaknesses or vulnerabilities.  They focus on your strengths toom but typically you have a good idea about your strengths before you go in.  Sometimes your vulnerabilities are harder to identify - or at least admit.

One of my flaws/weaknesses/things-to-work-on is my business.  I always feels like I have to have a new project.  This wouldn't be so bad if I handled this compulsive behavior in a healthy way.  But my other vulnerability is feeling it necessary to care for other people before - and often in place of - caring for myself.  I neglect my own needs for the needs of others.  So much so that I make it my eternal project.  If I'm not constantly doing something for someone else (solving a problem, editing a paper, being a helper), I feel like I am failing.

This probably doesn't sound so bad, right? Pastors and volunteers are supposed to think of others before they think of themselves.  The problem is that it has manifested into unrealistic expectations for myself. I push myself to the point of exhaustion and then I take out my frustration on the people I care about most. It's not healthy. I don't know how to rest.

A few weeks after my psych assessment I had a full-blown panic attack at the Shrove Tuesday pancake supper at church. Uh yikes. That opened my eyes to the problem and made me accept it as a reality.

The second step after the psych assessment and before my entrance interview (on April 11th!!) is to work on my vulnerabilities.  The psychologist and counselor diagnose me, and prescribe me actions to take and books to read (just as a medical doctor would prescribe medication and exercise to a person with heart disease.)

Identify the potential problem (or completely manifested problem in my case).

Take action to treat the problem.

Although I still have a long way to go, I have started to do some of the things on my to-do list from the psych assessment:

I am reading three books about resting, taking time for yourself, and self-care in pastoral vocations.
I have started observing a sabbath every week. (This is so hard!)
I am trying to take time out of every day to relax and sit down.
I am praying every night with my (very) patient boyfriend.
I reevaluated my priorities and uncommitted from some things at church and work.
I am continuing Bible study of the Old Testament.
I am talking with people, pastors, parents, friends about what it means to care for yourself and take time for yourself in a society that is so concerned about doing the next big thing and always being on the move.

I'm convinced that if I hadn't identified my vulnerability it would have killed me. Maybe not tomorrow or next year, but eventually I would have died of exhaustion.

My plea to you is to identify your vulnerability.  Grasp it. Caress it. Love it. Then work on it and treat it like a disease that is bound to kill you.

God Moment

If any of my readers know me in person, you know that I am... um... enthusiastic.

Let's just say there are some times when I get so excited that my words can't come out as fast as my mind is working. 

Right now I'm having one of those moments. And no, my fingers can't type as fast as my mind is working either. It's a problem. Because I just had one of those fantastic God moments that make me look up and go, "Okay! I see You!"

I am severely anxious about being so young. 

I graduated college after two years of study (when I was 20). 

I took "a year off" (you're allowed to laugh at that, friends) while I was trying to figure out what to do with my life (I'll be 21 in two weeks).

I start seminary in the fall. 

I will graduate (God willing) and receive my first call 4 years later (when I'm 25 years old). 

I was expressing this fear to one of my best friends Rachel at dinner tonight. I am terrified that people won't want to hear the Word from a 25 year old chick. Heck, I am afraid that people won't want to hear anything from a 25 year old chick. 

"I'm going to be expected to counsel people! Give them real life advice!" I was ranting (rather loudly) at the restaurant. "How am I going to do that?" We eventually went on with the conversation, talking about plans with my boyfriend and what we were doing next weekend. But I was still thinking about how terrifying it will be to be only 25 years old when I am called to a church. 

When the couple sitting next to us got up to leave from dinner, the man said, "excuse me, may I say something?" 

"I just want you to know that I would listen to you. If what you said was through God's Word and in the right Spirit, I would listen to you. Even at 25. And my wife and I are almost 60. You shouldn't feel threatened because you are young."

Okay! I see You!