So I started running...

There was a time in my life when I was semi-decently athletic. I used to love going out and running with my dad. We both liked to run slow and far to really absorb all of the scenery around our countryside Virginia house.

Unfortunately, this time in my life only lasted until about 8th grade. So right when I actually needed the exercise and stress relief, I wasn't getting it. I became a theater nerd pretty quickly and didn't think athletics could compete with that. 

This started a fun joke about how I never work out and if you see me in a gym it is probably because someone is paying me. It was true. I went from loving running (no other activity really sparked my interest), to doing absolutely nothing at all. 

College wasn't any different- I think I went to the really beautifully amazing gym twice (and once to buy a smoothie) and I went to the less beautiful north campus gym probably a half a dozen times. Somehow (thank you, divine intervention) I managed to keep off the "freshman fifteen." But I never started running again.

Around April of this year I was told some pretty traumatic news (at least as far as my relatively unicorns and rainbows life went). And I really didn't know how to handle it. Most of my kairos moments have been pretty wonderful. At least they have turned out to be blessings (like coming to seminary). I didn't know what to do with a completely negative, awful kairos moment. I literally wanted to run away from it. So I did. I started running again. It was the only way I knew how to completely focus my mind on something else. It was, somehow, a form of prayer as much as it was a form of exercise.

And I haven't stopped. As a matter of fact, it is now one of the only things that keeps my head from toppling off and rolling around my dorm room floor here at seminary. It is really difficult for me to get through the week without taking time out of each day to go for a run. It is stress relief in an amazing way and functions as a time to relax (the irony) and spend time with myself. 

But it is also a lesson in discipline with which I thought I was pretty okay. Until I signed up a half marathon and started training for that behemoth. My legs haven't been sore, I haven't hyperventilated from running to fast or too long, I'm not miserable. But still, nothing in my brain is telling me that I want to do a half marathon or that I'm even capable of doing a half marathon. I know that I just have to get through the mentality of it. Everything in my heart thinks this is going to be the best experience in the world. And who am I to deny what God has placed in my heart? 

I'm not going to run a half marathon by myself. I'm not even going to train for a half marathon by myself. I know that I wouldn't have even made it this far if it weren't for God putting the Spirit within me and giving me that will power.

Today marks my fifth week of training and all I can think about is how excited I am about the six mile run that will end my week.  I've never run six miles before. I've never even thought about running six miles before. Who am I?

Looking back to April, I know God was working in that kairos moment and I didn't even realize it. I needed a way to cope with stress that was healthy and didn't involve yelling or eating my weight in chocolate. And God was pretty smart to know that I wasn't just going to go run on my own. I needed something to make me hit that bottom and realize my life needed a change. He's pretty good at that most days.

Ruin me for the ordinary

This is the prayer I had taped to my rearview mirror for several months this past year. When it finally flew off while my windows were down, I thought maybe it was a sign that I needed to find a new prayer.

What I didn't realize until later was that this prayer, clearly visible to anyone riding in my car and very obnoxious to anyone who drives it, was pushing me toward constant prayer. I would get in my car, read it, and truly mean it every single day. I wanted God to ruin me. I didn't want to be comfortable anymore. I wanted my heart to be broken.

Well, if you know anything about my life this past year, God has done just that. I was uncomfortable, broken, and completely ruined.

But it was so good.

Now that I am starting seminary I am afraid that it is exactly where I am supposed to be. Why should I be afraid of that? Because I don't want to be comfortable. I need to be able to challenge myself. They won't let me take additional classes (yet) and I am afraid that I am going to have a very light schedule for my first semester.

So I have promised myself that if I am bored or even if I am slightly comfortable, I am going to push myself into uncomfortable and ruining situations.

I want my heart to be broken at injustice and cruelty, poverty and prejudice. I want my heart to break for the things that break God's heart. I know what that means. I know it means I am going to hurt. A lot. And I know that ruining me for the ordinary means that I will never be okay with myself in comfortable situations. I will never want an ordinary life. I know that is going to be challenging. But I am so desperate for Jesus that it doesn't matter anymore.

God isn't supposed to be comfortable to be around. My friend has a theory that, as a fallen humanity, we are not able to be naturally close to God. God is so incredibly good compared to us that we can't even fathom it.  That is why when we do things to be closer to God, whether it is turning the other cheek, forgiving over and over again, meditating, or loving people who we don't feel deserve our love- we are uncomfortable.  It doesn't feel good most of the time. Love hurts. Vulnerability hurts. But that is what brings us closer to God.

I need to keep pushing myself toward God. I don't know what that means yet, but I have a feeling that just knowing that it needs to happen is a step in the right direction.

At last!

One of the really silly things about my boyfriend Ronnie and I is that we have very different interests. I adore photography, reading, singing, and watching really crappy melo-dramas on ABC Family. He is a history nerd and a lover of all things sports (especially Ohio State football and European soccer).

We often share our hobbies with one another because it is a way to share a part of ourselves with one another. But it's not all that thrilling to listen to him talk about the recruiting class for the Buckeyes. And likewise, he'd rather not watch Pretty Little Liars every week.

But we have found one thing that we have in common. We like reading the Bible together. Furthermore, we love talking about it with one another. And more than that, we adore expressing our love and devotion to God through our questions, prayers, and readings. It brings us together in ways that we never knew were possible.

I mentioned a few posts ago that Ronnie and I have been wading our way through the Old Testament. We had our first discussion on Genesis about a week ago and it is still hanging out in my mind.

In the second chapter of Genesis, at the very end, the author is describing how Eve was formed from the rib of Adam. I really love this imagery. Verse 22 starts after God has put Adam into a deep sleep (God, the first anesthesiologist), "Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. 'At last!' the man exclaimed. 'This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called 'woman,' because she was taken from 'man.''"

Adam exclaimed "At last!" as if he had been waiting his entire life for Eve. For this piece of him to return. For this companion. That is just so beautiful. He had this longing for a piece of him he didn't even know he was missing.

In verse 24 it says, "This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one."

We are a part of one another. I don't think this is exclusive to a certain man and certain woman who is "meant to be together." In my mind, it is so completely encompassing. We could not live alone. We are made from one another and we need one another to continue to create.

This is so beautiful. Think about it: we don't have a choice but to be joined with someone else. It has already happened. Yes, Adam and Eve were man and woman, husband and wife, but does it have to be like that? Can it just be as simple as having a friend that you feel so spiritually close to that it is as if you are one?

The woman that helps with the youth group at my grandfather's church was commenting on PDA in church one day. Our youth group felt that sometimes college kids were too "cuddly" during church and there was a better place to display that than in God's house.

The youth leader said that when she holds her husband's hand during worship, it feels as though they are connected in more than just a physical way. She feels as if they are truly praying together and their spirit is in the same place.

That is beautiful. I think it is our right and our privilege in the Church to find someone that we are so connected to. I think God wants us to find that person. He wants us to be that happy and to find a connection so strong that it is hard to break away even for a moment. Whether it be a friend, leader, or spouse, every person deserves and has a need to feel that connection. It is the way we were made.

And as God said, "It is good."

In the beginning...

That's how the Bible  starts.

The beginning is a good place to start things, right? (Kudos, God!)

So, taking a cue from the Big Man, I'll start at the beginning as well.

I'm writing a blog because there are a lot of thing going on in my head. And as much as my friends and family love me, there is probably not a good chance that the same few people want to hear every single thing that goes through my head.

Also, I think I have a pretty interesting story. Cocky, huh? Yeah, well God wrote my story. That's why I think it is pretty compelling. So there. (I may have just stuck my tongue out at the computer.)

Thirdly, one of my favorite ways to communicate is through writing. God has blessed me and I really want to share those blessings with pretty much anyone who will listen to me (or, ahem, read my blog).

Lastly, there are people all over the world that I wish I could talk to every single day. Because you're interesting. And I've learned so much from you. So this is my twisted way of giving back to you and staying in contact. I want you to know what is going on in my life and why I'm so weird.

So this blog, you ask, what's it all about?

There are a few things I'm planning on sharing here:

Jesus' love
My story as it unravels
My "aha!" moments
Other people's stories that I think are awesome
Prayers
Random ponderings about life and faith

Also, I'm a book worm and music fiend. So there will be quotes galore all over this thing.


Jesus loves you,
Sarah