My First Kairos Moment

kairos (ky·rôs) n. (from the Greek καιρος)
       A pivotal moment in time;
       a remarkable or noteworthy event waited for.
       The appointed time in the purpose of God.
       A passing instant, when an opening appears, which must be driven through with force if success is to be achieved.


When I was ten years old in 2002, I found my parents arguing in the living room. I was spying on them and my mom was crying. A lot. They saw me and assured me that "everything is fine" and "mom is just sad."

A few weeks later, my brother Alex and I were told that my dad was being sent to Afghanistan.

Then a few weeks after that, he was gone.

I didn't know at the time how dramatically my dad's absence would affect my life.

I saw my mom slowly wither away. She stopped eating, I'm sure she barely slept. I don't blame her for this. I never have. I'm sure that if my husband was sent to a place as dangerous as Afghanistan, I would just die as the plane took off. She took care of Alex and I the best she could, but she was broken. She hurt all the time and was overcome with horrible fear every single day. I can't even imagine how she must have felt.

I was messed up too. I did as much questioning as a ten year-old could do at the time. I was furious at God. Obviously it was God who had done this to my family, I thought. But why? Why would this amazing God that I am supposed to love and respect and cherish do something so wretched? He was physically, mentally, emotionally, relationally breaking the people who are closest to me. He took the strongest woman I have ever known and turned her into a frail woman who could barely keep from crying every day. Why would He do that? 

I didn't want Him to be any God of mine.

Then came that day. The day that every little girl would dream of if she thought to.

If she had to.

Watching my dad walk off the plane after nine months of being in a desert was the most amazing sight I have ever experienced. I couldn't describe the feeling to you even if I had every word in the dictionary at my disposal. It was as if he had come back from the dead.

It completely changed my life.

That was the first time I ever thought to myself, There MUST be a God. He brought Daddy back from what we were sure was his death. We were prepared to never see him again. And HE brought him back. 

It is the best moment I will probably ever have in my life. I hope my wedding day and the births of my children are half as beautiful. Because it made me believe in God.

My dog reminds me of Jesus

Let me introduce you to someone who is pretty important in my life: 

This is my best friend and first dog, Reagan (and that's me on the right).

Reagan will be 13 years old this July, which means he has been in my life since I was 8 years old. He is absolutely fantastic.

One of the coolest things about Reagan is that he is so forgiving. He reminds me of Jesus (stay with me, here).  Jesus goes to all these unfortunate and broken people and says, "here, let me take your hand" and "I love you even when you are mad at me."

Most importantly, Jesus says "I am yours and you are mine."

Reagan says this on a regular basis. Okay, maybe he doesn't say it, but it's pretty obvious that he means it.  Dogs (and frankly any pet) can bring an entirely different perspective to your spirituality.

You're honest with them. Have you ever cried to your bunny?
They know when you're mad at them. How many times a day do you trip over a paw and yell obscenities in their direction? 
You're vulnerable around them. Have you ever undressed in front of your dog?
They can make you feel better. Purring kitten, anyone?

What do all of these things have in common?

Jesus knows and does these things too. You just have to have a relationship with Him.

And the best part is, you don't have to clean up after Jesus. He doesn't make messes on your carpet or need any vaccines.

He is yours and you are His.


Jesus loves you, 
Sarah

God Moment

If any of my readers know me in person, you know that I am... um... enthusiastic.

Let's just say there are some times when I get so excited that my words can't come out as fast as my mind is working. 

Right now I'm having one of those moments. And no, my fingers can't type as fast as my mind is working either. It's a problem. Because I just had one of those fantastic God moments that make me look up and go, "Okay! I see You!"

I am severely anxious about being so young. 

I graduated college after two years of study (when I was 20). 

I took "a year off" (you're allowed to laugh at that, friends) while I was trying to figure out what to do with my life (I'll be 21 in two weeks).

I start seminary in the fall. 

I will graduate (God willing) and receive my first call 4 years later (when I'm 25 years old). 

I was expressing this fear to one of my best friends Rachel at dinner tonight. I am terrified that people won't want to hear the Word from a 25 year old chick. Heck, I am afraid that people won't want to hear anything from a 25 year old chick. 

"I'm going to be expected to counsel people! Give them real life advice!" I was ranting (rather loudly) at the restaurant. "How am I going to do that?" We eventually went on with the conversation, talking about plans with my boyfriend and what we were doing next weekend. But I was still thinking about how terrifying it will be to be only 25 years old when I am called to a church. 

When the couple sitting next to us got up to leave from dinner, the man said, "excuse me, may I say something?" 

"I just want you to know that I would listen to you. If what you said was through God's Word and in the right Spirit, I would listen to you. Even at 25. And my wife and I are almost 60. You shouldn't feel threatened because you are young."

Okay! I see You! 

Sex God by Rob Bell

I'm not usually one for scintillating titles and the "oh my gosh" factor. I can usually give or take the latest fad (unless it's Taylor Swift's new album).

But when my church started talking seriously about the book Sex God by Rob Bell, I found myself getting pretty interested.  I thought it would be about what "typical Christians" have to say about sex. I was a little put off at the idea of that, but if the off-balance or somewhat nontraditional people of Jacob's Porch wanted to read it, then it was probably worth checking out.

There are two things you should know about Sex God:
1. It is not what you think it is
2. Everyone should read it. Everyone.

Those might seem like pretty bold statements. Maybe they are.

But Rob Bell does something fantastic with this piece of work. He takes sex, as an action and as a gender, and brings it out of the "taboo conversation" category. He puts it side by side with spirituality. Who does that?

With witty chapter titles and anecdotes about himself and others, there's virtually no way you could get bored with this book. I have friends who would rather pull their eyelashes out than read and they read this book in a single night.

Why do I like it so much? It's real. This isn't a sex manual or a long-winded explanation about why having premarital sex is evil. Bell understands that, frankly, we (modern society) don't want to hear that. Just because I am a Christian, doesn't mean I don't have the same pressures and urges as anyone else. I don't want to be told that I "just have to deal with it." I want to understand what God thinks of sexuality and I want reasons to keep my body (and other people's bodies) sacred for God.

Christianity Today has this to say about his book:

"While most books about sex for dating Christians begin and end with 'don't,' Bell outlines the bigger picture of human relationships and what they can teach us about God's character."

Give teenagers a health teacher that says, "Don't have sex or you'll get pregnant and die," and they will be completely turned off by anyone who wants to talk to them about sex.

Give teenagers a book that says, "God created you in His image and is, therefore, a part of you" and they will think twice about having sex with the first person they get alone with.

Bell doesn't throw theology down your throat and expect you to swallow. He simply puts it in front of you and says, "take what you want." And that's what gets through to people.

Mufasa

Remember this scene from The Lion King? 

I'm Shenzi in this clip. But replace "Mufasa" with "seminary." Oooo do it again! It makes me shudder (and giggle like a child).

For a long time, the thought of seminary has been creeping into my head. And it scared me. I think one of first times it really freaked me out was when I was in 7th grade. My friends and I were being particularly honest this day and were talking about our real life goals. As opposed to the ones we told everyone else, "I'd love to be a (insert respected profession here, such as lawyer, doctor, pharmacist, teacher)."

We shared things like, "how cool would it be to be an exotic dancer for a while?" and, "do you think I could be a cowgirl?"

Mine was weirder.

I quietly said, "well, I've kind of been thinking that being a pastor would be cool." My friends nodded, smiled, and moved on. Okay, I thought, probably not a "responsible" profession. 

I kept pushing this feeling to the back of my mind. I wanted to actually make money and I was told I was "smart enough" do just about anything short of being a physicist. So I pursued something more normal, and something that I did well. Something that would make more money.

A few months after I graduated college, people started saying these weird things to me:

"Have you ever thought of going to seminary?"
"What about ministry? That seems to fit you."
"Youth ministry is where you should really look."
"You'd be a great preacher. You should go to seminary."

Ew. I shuddered. That word again. Yuck. Seminary? Four more years of school? Really? Seminary?

Yes. Seminary.

Ashes

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday.

For politicians, this means going to church early in the morning (or sticking their finger in their fireplaces), and making as many public appearances as possible before the ashy cross on their forehead rubs off.

But why the ashes?

There are a few different references in the Bible to putting ashes on yourself when you're mourning or remorseful.

2 Samuel 13:19 - But now Tamar tore her robe and put ashed on her head.

Esther 4:1 - When Mordecai learned about all that had been done, he tore his clothes, put on burlap and ashes, and went out into the city, crying with a loud and bitter wail.

Daniel 9:3 - So I turned to the Lord God and pleaded with him in prayer and fasting. I also wore rough burlap and sprinkled myself with ashes.

Matthew 11:21 - "What sorrow awaits you, Korazin and Bethsaida! For if the miracles I did in you had been done in wicked Tyre or Sidon, their sins long ago, clothing themselves in burlap and throwing ashes on their head to show their remorse.

But it also gives us an indication of whose we are. God told Adam in Genesis 3:19 that he was made from dust and that he will return to the dust. God made us. We are His.

For some, Ash Wednesday means the day they start their fast. It is the start of those dreadful forty days of giving something up for God. Lent. It makes us feel good pretending we can make sacrifices and feel suffering like Jesus did.

Don't get me wrong, this year I'm going all-out. I wouldn't miss out on this Lutheran tradition for the life of me. A chance to pretend I'm a little bit like Jesus? Chyeah! 

But what is Lent all about? In the context of the Church. In the context of our spirituality. Is it more than just "giving something up" for a period of time?

For most people it is a time of mourning. We know that Jesus is about to die on the cross. And we're sad. It is a preparation for the day of Jesus' death. These forty days are meant to be set aside for reflection Jesus Christ - His suffering and His sacrifice, His life, death, burial and resurrection.

So we mourn and we sacrifice. It's menial considering what Jesus did for us. But it's our way of saying, "thank You for being awesome, Jesus." And I think we should say that more often.


Jesus loves you,
Sarah

ranting.praying.living.begging

How did Jesus stay so humble when thousands of people went around shouting about his miracles? Of course, people were bragging for him and declaring that he is the Messiah, which is all true -- but that's still bragging right?

Is declaring the Good News the same as bragging? As Christians, we go around saying, "look! I am so lucky that I have God's love and Jesus died to forgive my sins!" But is that bragging?

Or should we even say it like that? It has nothing to do with us. It's not that we are lucky or deserve it or can earn it. It is all about the fact that God is so powerful and loves humanity so much that He have His only Son to die- live and die for us.

He didn't just come down here, say, "hey" and do all the formalities to forgive us, then die on the cross. Oh no!

Jesus came down here, born of a human -- he grew up a carpenter's son and lived without any sort of special luxuries. He wasn't royalty, he wasn't a king. He was actually judged his enture life for breaking Jewish laws and creating drama for the pharisees.

He didn't live the high life. His followers were fishermen and tax collectors. He lived for 33 years like that- with people who wanted to murder him at every turn. He gave people hope because he was so fantastic. He loved people like there was no tomorrow. He calmed storms and raised people from the dead. He touched the unclean. He demonstrated that faith alone would save people.

Then after all of that- after people loved him for 33 years and followed him to the ends of their world and back- he died on the cross. Why?

So that we wouldn't have to bear our own sin. 

He wasn't dying for just the people he knew- the people that denied him and spat on him and sinned against his Father. No no, he didn't just die for his mother's sin or his cousins' sins or his friend's sins. We might be able to do that if we were asked to.

He died for people he didn't know- people who would sin a hundred times worse, question his existence, and get angry at his Father every other day.

He died for EVERYONE.

How amazing is that love? He didn't die in his sleep either. No! It wasn't a peaceful death. He died on a cross. He wasn't glorified! He died as a criminal in the most cruel way possible. He died with two other criminals. People didn't praise him and love him for what he had done- they mocked him and put a thorn on his head and a sword in his side.

Even in his dying last moments, he was thinking of the rest of the world, begging, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do." Even in his last breath when he was in so much pain- he never thought of himself.

That is an amazing love. Only God has that much love.

And what do we do with His love? We forget about it every single day an ignore it in order to fulfill our own wants and desires. We cannot pay back his sacrifice- that would no longer make it a sacrifice. It is impossible to repay.

But don't we owe it to the most wonderful God who sent His only Son to die for our sins the least amount of respect? What about fear? If He would send His Son to die, what do you think He has in store for the rest of His children- His church? We owe Him our lives.

So the next time He presents you with trouble or hardship or an obstacle for you in your life, think of what He made His Son endure.

God owes you nothing. You have earned nothing. Everything was given to you through the pure generosity and mercy of Christ. The very least you can do is be grateful for it. The least you can do is give your life to Him who gave everything to you.

What we should really be doing is sharing it. Share every gift the Lord has ever given to you just as it is- a gift you do not deserve. And make this world become a better place.

Make this world become the Kingdom of God.

Mission: New Testament

As a general rule, I don't knit. I'm not a knitter. But everyone at Jacob's Porch was trying it out last winter so that we could provide some of the homeless guys with warm hats and scarves for Christmas.

I was on my seventh scarf of the winter (my goal was five) when we were sitting on the couches at Jacob's Porch and chatting.  "I need to set higher goals for myself," I said to our worship leader, Jenny. Without missing a beat, she replied.

"Do you read the Bible every day?"

Crap. 

"Um, I was actually talking about knitting scarves."

She smiled, shrugged, and went back to typing emails.

Uh thanks, Jesus. Way to kick me right in the teeth. 

I finished the scarf that afternoon and went home to call Ronnie and tell him what Jenny had said.

"She has a point."

Um, HELLO, boyfriend. You're supposed to be on my side, not messing up my brain like Jenny does on a regular basis. 

Thus began our mission to read the New Testament. Yes, our mission. If Ronnie was going to agree with Jenny, then he was going to go through this with me. (As if it is torture, right?) 

Since then, we have read about one book every week (sometimes doubling up when the books got short) and have taken time out of the week to discuss the books over Skype or on the phone.  We completed the New Testament two weeks ago. Right before we started fasting together. (Yes, fasting together.) It's safe to say it has completely changed our relationship.

When I told Jenny what we did and told her that it was seriously effecting our relationship she replied with some sarcasm.

"You mean you put Jesus at the center of your relationship and it changed everything? NO WAY!"

My challenge to you: read the New Testament if you haven't already. If you've read it, find someone close to you and read it again as a pair (or a group). It might just change your life. 

I am a whore.

I am obsessed with this song. Thank you, Alex Long.

Recently, Alex and I had a conversation about whoring yourself out for God. I'll be honest, it was more one sided than that. Really, Alex presented me with this idea and I went, "oh..."

And I haven't stopped thinking about it since... Then she had me listen to this song. And geez.

I am a whore.

God has called me to be His own. He bought me with the blood of His only Son. Which is more complicated than that. Because it was also His blood. He killed Himself and His Son for me. So that I would have everything I would ever need in life. So that I would have grace and peace and mercy rest upon me.

And how do I thank Him?

I'm a whore for everything else in this world that is potentially satisfying. Money, love, adventure, good deeds, education, friendships, expectations, hobbies. Not only that, but I make myself believe that He could actually be happy about this.

God WANTS me to be a whore. 

I have convinced myself that if I just try a little harder, or commit to a few more things, or just be a little better, I can be good enough for God to want me. If I whore myself out to a few more outlets, I'll be good enough for my Savior.

I've struggled with this my entire life. I am an over-committer. I say "yes" like a slut to every person and every experience because I think that by doing so, I can make God happy with who I am.

Yes, I'll be a youth leader. 
Yes, I'll take on a Bible Study. 
Yes, I'll help you plan the high school retreat. 
Yes, I'll sing with the band. 
Yes, I'll be there for your birthday. 
Yes, I'll sing in the choir. 
Yes, I'll be a reader/usher/communion assistant. 
Yes, I'll do the talent show.
Yes, I'll coordinate the homeless ministry and find funding. 

Yes, yes, yes. I'll do anything in the hopes that God will love me. 

But what if God isn't asking me to do any of this? What if He doesn't really want me to be a whore?
What if He would love me for who I am, flaws and sins and all, and not for what I do for Him?

Well, that just seems impossible. No man would ever love me like that.

That's why being loved by God is so damn hard. I just can't comprehend a love like that.

James

My father's name is James. My older brother's name is James. 

These two men have been huge blessings and huge pains in my backside throughout my life. 

Then there is another James. Who has been just as annoying and a pain in my backside. 

James, a slave of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ (James 1:1 NLT).

If you haven't read the entire book of James, open up a new tab and go read it. I can't promise that it will have the same effect on you that it had on me, but I'm guessing something will stick out like a knife in your chest. 

In my Bible, I have things like "YES" and "I love this!" written all over the margins of James. 

Then in fourth chapter, that joyous confirmation stops. And James stabs me right where it hurts. 

Let's rewind. Not too far. Only about eight months. 

My life was fantastic in May of 2012. 

I was ready to graduate from The Ohio State University with a Bachelors Degree in American Political Science after only two years of study. I was sliding right into an amazing job with the Department of Defense (I would be making A LOT of money). And I would get to move back down to Virginia for a few years and spend time with all of my best friends. I would have this great job, a cute little apartment, maybe buy a new car, make lots of money, then move on to another great city. Yes. This was the good life. 

Then James happened. 

Look here, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit." How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog- it's here a little while, then it's gone. (James 4:13-14 NLT)

Thank you, James, for completely wrecking my life. You're not quite as loving and forgiving as my brother and dad. You kind of suck. 

So I started praying. And life started kicking me in the head. So I prayed some more. And life continued to take jabs at me. Then finally, it took the blow below the belt. 

My marvelous, high-paying, nicely perked job had been swiped from me. The government decided that it should go to veterans instead of recent graduates. And, alas, I am no veteran. 

Enter a defeated girl: jobless, moveless, apartment-less, new car-less, lots of money-less. 

Thanks, James. This is where my story begins.