Why Malaysia?

I've gotten a lot questions lately.  They usually follow some comment I make about moving to Southeast Asia for the next year.  So here are a few of them and here are my somewhat vague answers...

So, why Malaysia?

Well, to answer "why Malaysia," we need to ask a few more questions before that.

Why are you moving at all? 

I'm in seminary and it is my third year as a Lutheran student.  In our third year (or sometimes our fourth), the Lutherans are sent out to do an internship for a year.  It is used as a learning experience so that we are able bring those experiences back to seminary for a year and mull them around in community, or go directly into a parish and use those experiences to be better pastors.  We, of course, aren't able to learn everything we need to know, but as we walk alongside a congregation who has a lot of experience forming, nurturing, and teaching future church leaders, we are hopefully a little more prepared for parish ministry.

Why did you choose Malaysia? 

I didn't choose Malaysia, to be quite honest.  No one gets to "choose" their internship.  There is a lot of planning, discerning, and praying that happens before anyone is assigned to an internship site.  We have a director for internship who works with our paperwork and his colleagues in order to place us in the best place for our specific needs and learning goals.  All of my Lutheran colleagues at Southern Seminary were given assignments within the United States- some of them in the Southeast and some of them as far away as California.

What's so special about you? 

Nothing. There is certainly nothing special about me.  I prayerfully decided (with Daniel) to apply for a different internship program that is run by the Global Mission division of the ELCA.  The application process started a few months before the domestic internship process and was a little more extensive.  There was probably ten times the amount of paperwork and an interview in Chicago with the Director of Global Mission.  I wasn't entirely sure what I was getting into at the time, but I knew I wanted to take the opportunity of internship to experience Church in a (very) different context.

Will you be doing missionary work?  Working in an orphanage and building houses? 

Not exactly. Actually, not at all.  My internship will be very similar to all of my other colleagues' internships.  I will be working in a Lutheran church with a supervising pastor.  I'll have all of the usual duties: preaching, teaching, counseling, and visiting.  I'm sure there will be some opportunities in which we might be able to go visit places outside of the city, but that is not what I will be doing regularly.

But seriously, why Malaysia? 

God is calling me to Malaysia for many reasons.  The first one being (I think), is that it isn't going to be easy. The other reasons will reveal themselves over the next year (or several).  But I believe God is at work in this unique opportunity and I could not be more excited about it.

Next Adventures

Daniel and I are trying hard to keep everyone informed about what is happening in our very busy lives. But every once and a while, we will rattle off the next six adventures as if they are just obstacles on the way to the next moment in our lives.  Please trust me when I say that they are not.  The truth is that when people ask, "so what are you doing next?" or "where are you headed?" I automatically (sometimes falsely) assume that they do not want to hear all of the places we are going in the next three weeks.  But maybe they do, maybe they really do care about our crazy lives and the roller coaster that we have only just begun.

So that's what this post is about.  If you really do care about the craziness that is happening in the next few weeks - here it is.

Daniel and I JUST left (two weeks for me, one week for him) internship training with the Global Missions division of the ELCA.  It was a blast, and we learned a lot about the "beautiful secret" things that the ELCA is doing through Global Missions.  If you're interested in these secret or unknown things, just ask me because I have gotten really geeked out about it. We just started a program that focuses on educating women, there's an international leadership program, and there are people all over the world doing really incredible things (like starting a Lutheran church in South Sudan in the midst of a civil war).  

All this to say, Daniel and I are officially a "missionary couple!!"  It sounds so crazy because I don't consider what we are doing next year "mission" work, but it is a pretty humbling title to carry around.  Especially among the other beautiful people who hold that title in this church. 

Right now we are heading to Columbus, OH, where my parents have so graciously kept Cooper for two weeks.  (Thanks Mama and Daddy!!) We will pick him up, love on my parents for about twelve hours, then head back "home" to Durham, NC.  Daniel has one more heartbreaking week of internship down there.  On August 2nd, we will say, "goodbye for now" to our beautiful church family there. It will be one of the hardest goodbyes thus far.  

From there, we will have about a week to pack up all of Daniel's things (and my remaining things) and move them down to our storage unit in South Carolina.  We are excited and sad to say "goodbye" and "see you later" to a lot of our great friends at the seminary that weekend. We are at least very thankful for the opportunity to see some people and get some hugs before we depart for the year. 

Then we work our way back up north to Lincolnton, NC, where we will spend a day with our sisters and visit with Grandma before making the trek up to the mountains of Banner Elk, NC. 

After almost a week of wedding week preparation and vacation in our big family rental house in Banner Elk, 150 of our closest friends will join us for the celebration of Holy Communion and our wedding.  Obviously, that is the event that many people are most excited for.  But I can honestly say that I am just glad that I will finally be married to my best friend.  

After the wedding, we will drive back up to Columbus, spend a week with my parents (honeymooning a bit), then start our very long journey (24 hours of plane-riding) to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia! 

We want to make sure people who care know where we are and where we are going so that they can keep in touch and continue to hold us in prayer. So thank you, for everything you have done in our lives and all of the support you continue to give us.

Here I Am

It has been a long time since I have written anything.  It turns out that seminary keeps you as busy as everyone says it does!

I just got back from an incredible trip to Haiti where seven of us spent six days in the small village of Yvon building a church.  I am never very good about writing after I come back from trips - it takes me a long time to absorb everything after a trip like that.

But as I reflect on my trip and recover from sleep (and binge watch Netflix), I cannot help but think of the words that our Mary uttered just a few weeks ago in the lectionary.  My sermon might not do it justice, but I keep thinking about how willingly Mary accepted her new journey with God.

Another thing rolling around in my brain is about internship.  Where am I going? Will we have a weekend free to get married? Why hasn't anyone emailed me in over three weeks?

But I do have one assurance.  God is calling me to something different.  And God is there when I take that journey.  No matter where I am called - to Haiti, Argentina, London, or South Carolina - God provides and God journeys with me.  All I have to say is, "Here I am."

So with that in mind, here's a link to my sermon from Advent 4. I had the incredible opportunity to preach in my home congregation over Christmas break.  I heard a lot of people say that it was a blessing to have me preach that morning, but I feel that I have been blessed doubly by such an incredible congregation and the story of Mary that has been resonating in my soul for several weeks.

In preparation for Haiti

Most of you know this, but I went to Honduras for eleven days in January.  I haven't been able to go more than about 20 hours without thinking about that experience and how much I want to go back.  I might not get the opportunity to go back to Honduras, but I'm hoping to travel again this January.

The professor with whom I traveled takes a group to Haiti on the years he doesn't go to Honduras.

I am elated about Haiti.

I loved my experience in Honduras so much that I cannot even imagine how much fun I'll have in Haiti.  I just want to hang out with kids again.  Sweat in the sweet heat and giggle with some kids on the front porch of a school.  I've been Googling things about Haiti for the last week in anticipation. 34% of the population is younger than fourteen.  I couldn't be more excited.

Haiti intimidates me.

I don't know how to speak even a tiny bit of French.  And French Creole sounds even more exhausting.  How am I going to connect with people when I can't understand anything? When I can't speak anything?  But if I learned anything while I was in Honduras, it's that laughter and silliness are languages without distinctions.  I might be alright.

My heart breaks for Haiti.

Haiti was the first post-colonial black-led nation in the world.  They endured so much persecution by the Spanish and French over the years that their government has been pretty unstable for its entire existence.  It is currently the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere.  Poorer than Honduras? I think to myself. How my heart breaks for the people there.

Haiti is hurting.

In 2010, an earthquake struck Haiti, killing over 300,000 people and leaving over 1.5 million people homeless.  Four years later, they still haven't recovered.  They may never fully recover.  Their environment is subject to extensive deforestation and soil erosion.  And there is barely enough potable water to provide everyone with enough throughout the year.

Haiti can teach me so much.

Over 95% of Haitian citizens are black.  Over half of the population practices voodoo (although the census says that they are 80% Roman Catholic).  I am so incredibly interested in the culture there.  Not as a specimen of study, but as people I'd love to have relationships with.

I am so excited to meet my brothers and sisters in Haiti.  I'm going to be hitting everyone up for money soon.  It makes me ill to ask for money like this, but these trips are formational and completely priceless to the ministry for which God is calling me.

CPE

CPE stands for Crazy People Emoting.

CPE stands for Creating Proper Empathy.

CPE stands for Crummy Perspectives on Everything.

CPE stands for Cram-Packed Emotions.

CPE stands for Constantly Praying for the Eschaton.

CPE stands for Clinical Pastoral Education.

I'm a chaplain at a hospital here in Columbia for eleven weeks this summer.  CPE is the infamous horror story told by every middler to every incoming junior at seminary.  The tales are tall and sometimes exaggerated.

But when I first started CPE I had all of those stories in my head.  And I was terrified.  I was furious.  I didn't want to be there.  I didn't know what would happen when I started orientation six weeks ago.  I thought about fighting "the man" (who in this case in my candidacy committee and the entire ELCA) and throwing a fit until I didn't have to do CPE.  Because I thought that would work. Ha.

I just thought it was pointless. I had a normal childhood. I have a good relationship with my parents. My brother is weird but functional.  I have good friendships that go back for years.  I'm now in a relationship that is most definitely the most healthy romantic relationship I've ever been a part of.  I didn't need this CPE thing and all the crap that came with it.

I also didn't think I had any authority to walk into someone's hospital room and ask them to share their shit with me.  Who do I think I am that I might make a tiny bit of difference for anyone ever?  Psh. That's some wishful thinking that I'll "touch" someone or that I'd actually benefit from delving into my own shit during group sessions.

But look at me.  The girl who wanted so badly to hate chaplaincy is loving it and constantly talking about it.  Weird.

I learned a few things these past few weeks:

1. No matter how you were raised or what kind of family you come from, it's really nice to talk to someone who is paid to listen to you.
2. If you look for disaster and depressing situations, you're going to find them.
3. If you look for miracles and small joys throughout the day, you're going to find them.
4. Music can pretty much explain any sort of emotion you're feeling at any given moment.
5. "Talking through" things isn't something annoying people do, it's something healthy people do.
6. Community is insanely important because of #5.
7. You're never going to be perfect, so you might as well take some risks.

I can't share any of my awesome stories yet because of HIPAA stuff, but I have some awesome stories.  I have fallen in love with ministry.  I have fallen in love with caring for people.  I have fallen in love with the helplessness of crises.  I have fallen in love with what God is doing through the people here at the hospital and through me.

I'm still learning and I'm still pretty much scared to death, but I'm here.  I'm in it and I'm not hating it.  Actually half of me wants to recommend it to everyone who plans to care for another human being anytime during their life.  Half of me wants to run away from trauma pages and Code Blue's and half of me wants to run toward the families with open arms and an open heart.

I'm torn and broken and so in love.

Undergrad vs Seminary

Allow me to be weird for a few minutes and post about something that has been on my mind lately. I'm not sure why, but it's there.

Ways in which undergrad did not prepare me for seminary:

We live where we study.

I have to walk about 500 steps to get to the library. It's even less to get to the building with all the classrooms in it. I cannot get away from this place. I can always find someone that is in almost all of my classes if I have a question about a project or assignment.  We are almost all fighting the exact same battles.  I'm not used to that. I have the phone number of about 75% of the people on campus.

Our professors are a part of every aspect of our life.

The following is a real conversation I had with the associate dean of our school.  She was walking her dog near the apartments (where she lives during the week) on a Wednesday.  I was walking to a friend's apartment from the dorm with a bottle of wine and wine glass in my hand.

Dr. B: Hi Sarah.
Me: Hi Dr. B
Dr. B: I hope you have that paper done for class.
Me: Um yup...
Dr. B: Enjoy your evening with your wine.

They know everything we do all the time and it's weird.  In undergrad we could separate the "professional" student from the "typical college" student because our professors weren't around to see our walk of shame or day drinking. Not so much anymore. I'm not saying this is a bad thing.  We should be the same people behind closed door as we are in the pulpit.  But let's be honest, we aren't.

Everyone knows your business.

People say that seminary is like a fish bowl.  There are lots of people looking in at your every move from every different angle. Your home church. Your field education church. The staff. People at the grocery store when you're wearing your cleric. People on Facebook. Family friends. Your parent's coworkers. Everyone all of a sudden thinks you are either A) not fit to be a pastor because of your past or B) expected to be better than everyone else at being holy or human. Or both. No one cared about how much I prayed when I was a political science undergraduate student.  They didn't ask how I was maintaining my spirituality or how I would balance my social and life when I was in my vocation.

I actually like what I'm studying.

In undergrad, you basically had to bribe me with promises of a test the next day to get me to do reading assignments or research a topic on environmental politics or political parties.  I realize now that I was probably in the wrong field because I know plenty of people in undergrad that actually love what they study. Well, that wasn't me.  Now that I'm in graduate school, people have to invite me out so I'll stop reading for my Gospels class. I have to tell myself to go to bed before 2am because I have fallen in love with a new author. Reading for class has actually made me want to read more, not less. I want to talk about theology and God and Jesus all the time. It's such a good feeling but it is also really weird and I think I'm getting boring.

Praying is a normal part of study.

We pray before all of our classes which is awesome.  Sometimes I'll walk out of my dorm room for a break and see my dormmates gathered around one another praying silently and aloud. Everything we do here is solidified and realized through prayer and communion with one another. I wasn't prepared for that. Most of my studying during undergrad involved getting as much done before my roommate and I could start drinking around 8pm.

What I'm studying has everything to do with everything.

There is nothing in my life that doesn't relate to what I am studying in seminary. I think about my friendships and my parents and my goals. Everything revolves around God. Everything we do here is about the promotion of the Kingdom. I don't even know how to separate my "real life" from my "student life" anymore. Everything is woven together because of God.

Running to Worship

I used to get looks (and oftentimes comments) as I walked from my dorm to the gym while everyone was outside of the chapel chatting before they went in to worship.

"Skipping chapel for the gym (again)?"
"Why don't you just run after chapel?" (As if I hadn't thought of that idea.)
"Your priorities seem off."

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I go to chapel then run afterwards. Sometimes I run as long as I can before chapel and then make it back in time to worship. I don't skip chapel everyday. (Not that I would give two hoots about it if someone never ever came to chapel- do what you do.)

I'm just saying this happens often enough that people notice when I walk to the gym.

A friend asked me why I don't just wait until after chapel has started if I don't want to hear people be rude about my habits. I could do that. But I think should be able to expect people to respect me enough to let me do my own thing without criticizing me.  I don't do it to get a rise out of people- I have other ways of doing that.  And maybe I should wait an extra ten or fifteen minutes to walk to the gym.  But that's not the point.  When I want to run, I should be able to walk across the quad and go run without people judging me.

Did you notice my first sentence says that I used to get looks from people?  Nope, it doesn't happen anymore.  Probably because of my "I don't give a shit" attitude, but maybe because I actually have my priorities straighter than people first thought.

Here's why I sometimes run instead of going to chapel:

It has nothing to do with not having enough time.
It has nothing to do with school work that I need to get done.

It has everything to do with the fact that I am able to worship God wherever I am, during whatever I am doing.  And for me, running helps me focus on God.
It has everything to do with the fact that I cannot attend to my spiritual health until my mental, emotional, and physical health is straight.

I don't think this isn't the same for everyone, but I'm not making it up either. According to Abraham Maslow, we need certain things as human beings before we are able to truly achieve any "self-actualization," which (right or wrong), I translate as my spiritual health.

Here is Maslow's pyramid of needs: 

I have come to realize that when I do to chapel just because people say I should, I don't want to be spiritual. I don't even really want to worship God. When I try to fulfill my spiritual needs before my bottom level physical need (health/exercise) or my emotional needs (esteem through feeling good about myself) or my mental needs (security that I am not running my mind into the ground), I cannot bring myself to be spiritually present. Everything else starts to break down.

I realize that this starts to sound weird when you talk about people who have had major tragedies and lost their homes and are fighting to legitimately fulfill their physiological needs. Most people find spirituality the only thing they can cling to in those situations.  But I'm not in that type of situation.

I live a relatively comfortable life. And should I be thanking God on an hourly, secondly basis? Yes, absolutely. And I worship like that. I thank God constantly. It's not a process or a checklist I go through in my brain: do I feel healthy? Am I mentally okay? How am I feeling emotionally? Good? Okay, now I can go worship God.  That's not how it works.  It is an ongoing process and some days I don't feel as if I can sufficiently worship God in a chapel the way I can on a treadmill.

An organized church service does not always feel like appropriate worship for me.  Sometimes disciplining myself to run nine miles feels more appropriate because I can focus on JUST Him, something I find hard to do when I am in chapel.

I understand that it is unconventional. I don't always worship in a chapel. I'm not always wearing dress shoes. But I worship God in the ways that feel appropriate and it doesn't feel right for other people to judge me for it. After all, it's my salvation and my relationship with God that is at risk not theirs, right?

In Between Moments

One of the questions I sometimes try to reflect on in my own life is, "Where am I experiencing God the most right now?"

The answer to that has changed a lot throughout my life. Obviously I can "find" God in any situation or circumstance if I "look" for Him.  But there have been moments when I wasn't even seeking Him consciously and He has just revealed Himself and made me feel His presence. Moments when I don't find Him, but He finds me. These moments rock my socks off.

So with the knowledge that I can't really conjure God's presence on my own, I look back and try to find a pattern of where I have felt His presence most in the past.

At one point in high school, God came close to me when I was in my backyard walking through the woods.
During college it was mostly when I was spending time with the youth group and I regularly watched God work through them.
Last spring it was at Jacob's Porch when I felt loved by people who had no reason to love me.
This summer it was when I ran in the afternoons as the sun was going down.

I'm feeling a change in things again.

In seminary we worship a lot. I love it. It keeps us centered on why we are here and what God is trying to tell us. We worship four days a week in the chapel at 11:30am. Most days we also have compline (nighttime worship) at 9pm. Almost all of our professors have some sort of devotional or prayer before they start class. Most of us also have some sort of personal devotional or ritual that we perform during the day. We also tend to go to church on Sunday mornings.

We worship a lot. And I love it.

But surprisingly, this isn't where I have been feeling God the most. Even in compline- which is absolutely gorgeous and exactly what I love about a worship service- I don't feel God as much as I feel Him elsewhere at seminary.

God has been finding me in the "in between" moments.

He has been finding me in the mundane conversations with my mom that turn into beautiful affirmations.
He has been finding me sitting on the floor of the old chapel sharing details about my life that I had no intention of sharing with anyone.
He has been finding me in the middle of the prayer labyrinth, not when I'm praying, but when I'm wrestling with theology alongside a friend.
He has been finding me lamenting in the hallway of my dorm while I realize that I am not alone in my struggles.
He has been finding me during midnight conversations with people I've only known for a few weeks.
He has been finding me while listening to music (not hymns, not Christian rock- just really good music) that has been shared with me.
He has been finding me every time a little girl yells my name from across a room, "Saaarwahh!"
He has been finding me in moments when I have stopped doing homework because someone has asked about Jesus and what it is like to be a seminarian.

He has been finding me in every way that I would not expect.

Probably because He's God and that's just kind of what He does- He likes to completely shatter our expectations. But it feels so big and so important. Those "in between" moments are so amazing to me. I think a lot of the time He waits until we aren't expecting it or not seeking Him and then He steps in and says, "Here I am."

Lord, as I am actively searching for You throughout the next week, month, and year, I pray that You continue to reveal Yourself to me in those "in between" moments that feel so divine. I pray that other people experience Your presence and Your love in whatever ways speak to him or her. Thank You for this community and the people who continually support this community. Thank You for Your grace and Your mercy through Jesus Christ, our Savior and Lord. Amen. 

Ιδου!

I've heard a lot of really funny things since I have been on campus:

"It's no wonder pastors seem to be alcoholics. It must start with summer Greek."

"Did you know that clergy have the highest suicide rate of any other vocation? That doesn't surprise me anymore..." (That is actually not accurate according to the data I have found- doctors are most likely to commit suicide.) 

"We are at the point where we can't even speak English correctly anymore... Was that a real sentence?"

"I don't even know what it is like to not think about Greek. A week ago I never thought about Greek. Now it's my life and I don't know what to do about it."

Greek was rough on all of us. 

If you are just catching up with me, I was in an intensive ten-day Greek class. Basically they crammed 117 hours of a whole semester into ten days because they thought it would be funny. 

Greek is a very foreign language. First you have to learn a whole different alphabet from English. Then you have to put those letters together and memorize those combinations into some sort of vocabulary word. Then you completely change the vocabulary word into something that looks nothing like you first learned it and you are supposed to know the case/gender/number/voice/mood for everything. 

No thanks. 

It has pretty much been more work than I did in all of my undergrad in every class combined. And this class is ten days long. Graduate school is real life hard. 

But, as we learn through reading the Bible (in whatever language), the dead end is not actually the end. When we think everything is going wrong and nothing good could ever come out of this, God surprises us. 

SHAZAM! (ιδου!) RESURRECTION!

Greek was heinous. I barely slept and mostly only thought about Greek. But God did something in that time that was so profound and moving that I would do it all over again if I needed to. He brought a miracle out of the mess.

In my first two and a half weeks of seminary, I met more amazing people than I could have ever imagined congregated in one area. I have worshiped more fervently than I have ever thought possible. And I have prayed aloud more frequently than I have ever wanted.

I didn't think I needed anything to convince we that I was in the right place, doing the right thing. But from the minute I went to Pilgrim with Ronnie at 8am for the matins service on Sunday morning, I knew God was up to something. I needed this community and I needed this place in my life and I didn't even realize it. (Thanks, God.)

I can already tell that these (unlike undergrad or high school) are going to be some of the best years of my life. The people are so beautiful here. And it's not only the people here- I have been getting overwhelming support from both of my home churches and my family and friends. I am spoiled and I don't deserve it. It restores what I have always wanted to believe about humanity... God is within us and living among us today.

I am falling in love with Jesus over and over again every single time I meet someone new. And it brings so much joy to my heart. God brought a miracle out of the mess. 

Ruin me for the ordinary

This is the prayer I had taped to my rearview mirror for several months this past year. When it finally flew off while my windows were down, I thought maybe it was a sign that I needed to find a new prayer.

What I didn't realize until later was that this prayer, clearly visible to anyone riding in my car and very obnoxious to anyone who drives it, was pushing me toward constant prayer. I would get in my car, read it, and truly mean it every single day. I wanted God to ruin me. I didn't want to be comfortable anymore. I wanted my heart to be broken.

Well, if you know anything about my life this past year, God has done just that. I was uncomfortable, broken, and completely ruined.

But it was so good.

Now that I am starting seminary I am afraid that it is exactly where I am supposed to be. Why should I be afraid of that? Because I don't want to be comfortable. I need to be able to challenge myself. They won't let me take additional classes (yet) and I am afraid that I am going to have a very light schedule for my first semester.

So I have promised myself that if I am bored or even if I am slightly comfortable, I am going to push myself into uncomfortable and ruining situations.

I want my heart to be broken at injustice and cruelty, poverty and prejudice. I want my heart to break for the things that break God's heart. I know what that means. I know it means I am going to hurt. A lot. And I know that ruining me for the ordinary means that I will never be okay with myself in comfortable situations. I will never want an ordinary life. I know that is going to be challenging. But I am so desperate for Jesus that it doesn't matter anymore.

God isn't supposed to be comfortable to be around. My friend has a theory that, as a fallen humanity, we are not able to be naturally close to God. God is so incredibly good compared to us that we can't even fathom it.  That is why when we do things to be closer to God, whether it is turning the other cheek, forgiving over and over again, meditating, or loving people who we don't feel deserve our love- we are uncomfortable.  It doesn't feel good most of the time. Love hurts. Vulnerability hurts. But that is what brings us closer to God.

I need to keep pushing myself toward God. I don't know what that means yet, but I have a feeling that just knowing that it needs to happen is a step in the right direction.

"Committed monogamous relationship."

I'm going to go and be "one of those people." You know, the kind of person that spouts a bunch of "problems with the Church" and expects someone else to go solve them.

Okay, so you know me a little bit better than that. I might go spouting, but it is unlikely that I won't at least give you a solution or even try to solve it myself. So here it goes.

I have two problems with the Church. When I say "the Church," I mean either the ELCA as a whole or specifically the churches/congregations I have encountered in my (short) life. Also, these two problems are almost entirely unrelated. So there's that. I'll throw one out today and I'll leave the other one for another day.

The first one applies to the entire ELCA's policy on homosexual pastors, deacons, etc.

I know, you freaked out a little bit right? Chill. In the ELCA, they are trying really hard to be progressive and include as many people as possible into ministry (most likely because the Church is dying, but I'd like to think it is for more noble reasons). One of the policies for the "Visions and Expectations" of clergymen and women is that homosexuals are able to live together and are recognized as a family is they are in a committed monogamous relationship. I paraphrased the first part but "committed monogamous relationship" is a quote. Cool! Yay! Human rights!

Heterosexual couples are not to live with one another unless they are married.

Married.

Wait a second- why did the wording change? Why can't heterosexual couples be in "committed monogamous relationships" and live together? Well, you might think, because heterosexual couples are actually ABLE to be married, so they should  be in order to live with each other. But is this always the case? And in states were homosexual unions are legal, does the rule change? I'll give you a few examples:

My boyfriend and I are much too young (in our eyes) to be married at this point. Also, we have zero amounts of money to hold a wedding. Yet, when we move to South Carolina and I start seminary, we are unable to live in the family apartments. I have to live in a dorm and he will find a house or apartment to live in by himself. We will spend twice as much on housing and I will go into twice as much debt because we are not married. Even if we were engaged, we would not be permitted to live together, even though we have been in a "committed monogamous relationship" for four years.

A man and woman are so much in love and have committed to one another in their own way. They are unable to be married because the woman is a widow and if she remarries, her son with not be able to claim the money from his father's death. They are depending on that money for the son to go to college. The man and woman have been in a "committed monogamous relationship" for eight years. They would not be permitted to live together.

I understand what the ELCA is trying to do and I am proud of them for it. However, while they are inclusive to homosexuals, they must also realize that they are behind the times in other aspects of "untraditional marriage and relationships."

Beside the point that "it's not fair," which I understand is a pretty lame argument on any front, I don't think Jesus would have cared. Honestly. If we can go to sleep and night telling ourselves that love is love and what happens behind the closed doors of homosexuals is none of society's business, then why can't we say the same for heterosexuals? I'm a fan of tradition. But sometimes tradition just isn't how things work out. Sometimes you have to be a little progressive. After all, that's pretty much what Jesus preached the entire time He was on this earth. If we aren't moving forward we are moving back.

I am a twenty-one year old heterosexual female. I am in a committed monogamous relationship, and I should be allowed to live with my partner without being married. Darn it.

Growing Pains

I don't know if any of my friends have noticed it, but the past year has been a trying one for me. I have had to grow up quickly and sometimes unwillingly.  I've had to deal with heartache, loss, and a lot of changes that I'm not sure I was ready for. To top it all off, God decided I was going to start a whole other roller coaster called seminary. As if I needed more reasons to be emotional and moody.

I'm having some issues (try not to laugh too hard) with growing up.

A lot of people go through this phase when they are in high school. They want independence but safety.  They want their own car to go wherever they want but they want mom and dad to pay for it and fix it if it breaks. They want to do what they want when they want, just as long their parents keep paying for their recreations.

I didn't really go through that phase too hard in high school.  Even when I was a senior getting ready to leave my parents' house, I wasn't going crazy with rebellion. I am thankful that my parents never drowned my brother and I with house rules and regulations. We have pretty awesome parents.

I had some fun in college, but I knew I had about two or three years to play around until I got really serious about life. My parents paid for some things, but I was working and school was all paid for by scholarships and loans. I didn't have any huge responsibilities.

Well, I have been out of school for a year now and I am just now starting to figure out what it means to be an adult. And, um, I don't like it.

I am having to say goodbye to my best friends on a pretty regular basis. And I'm tired of it. I am surrounded by people getting engaged and married and trying not be jealous. I see people going on mission trips while I barely have money to pay my car insurance and it sucks. I am nervous about the future because I don't know exactly where God is taking me or how I am going to get there. I miss my parents and my brother and the rest of my family. I miss my churches in Ohio. And I'm just tired of it all.

It's times like this when I really wish the Gospels included years 10 through 30 of Jesus' life. What kind of issues did He deal with? He experienced all of our want for sin, right? Was He tempted to get drunk with His best friends? Did He have to learn how to get a job and pay the bills? Was He the best man at any of His friends' weddings? Did He ever fight with His parents? Did He have to do His own laundry?

Some of my favorite parts of the New Testament are when Jesus seems really human. He cries. He is tempted by the devil (and resists). He mourns the loss of His friends. He sleeps.

I wish I knew something more, though. Am I asking for too much? Probably. But I wish I knew how Jesus dealt with getting older and leaving His parents and His friends. Was He just content because He knew traveling and preaching was His destiny? Did He have divine comfort because of the God part of Him? He would be a homeless, poor traveler for His entire life. Was He nervous?

I want to know because if I knew Jesus was nervous and went through the same things that I am dealing with now, I might not feel so sorry for myself. I might be able to look to stories about Our Savior and how He said goodbye to His mother before He went out to preach. Or how He fought with His earthly father Joseph or His little brother James.

Give me 21 year old Jesus and all of his adolescent craziness. Then maybe my life won't feel like it is in shambles.

Praying

There are a lot of things I'm not good at. Like playing basketball. And math. And remembering dates. 

And praying aloud.

How do you pray? (Seriously, I want to know...)

Are you one to say everything out loud so fast that you barely remember what you said?
Do you raise your hands above your head and speak slowly, putting thought into every word?
Some people think it in their minds and in their hearts, do you?

I don't think there is a right way to pray. God hears us always, no matter what we say or do not say. 

I am not that great at praying aloud in front of people. Or even just Ronnie. My words don't make sense and usually I end up babbling about all the atrocities that break my heart in the world. That's fine and great, but I am going to be a pastor, and as such, I am going to be praying in front of people a lot. And probably from the seat of my pants. Wippee.  

I am trying to be better about praying aloud, but until then I will continue my prayers in my journal where I can go back and reflect on them in the future. 

I have a thing for the written word as opposed to the spoken word sometime. 

Therefore, for part of our Lenten sacrifice, Ronnie and I have been going through the Book of Psalms. I love it because of its prayers and beautiful imagery. 

So today I started writing out some of my favorite verses and it sort of developed into two prayers that I fell in love with. 

I want to share them with you because a) I'm proud of them (you know, because I can brag about verses in the Bible) and b) I think a lot of people have trouble with prayers and I'm hoping that maybe these prayers will help someone talk to God a little more comfortably. 

Morning Prayer

Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered- how fleeting my life is (39:4). God has made a home in the heavens for the sun. It bursts forth like a radiant bridegroom after his wedding. It rejoices like a great athlete eager to run the race (19:5). Thank you for letting the sun rise on me again, Lord. Show me the right path. O Lord; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you (25:4,5). Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly (5:3). 

Evening Prayer

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer (19:14). I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God. Bend down and listen as I pray (17:6). Hear me as I pray O Lord. Be merciful and answer me (27:7)! How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults (19:12). No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety (16:9). In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe (4:8). 

I hope these help someone talk to God. That's what the Psalms are for anyway, right? 

Maybe I'll be Catholic

So this article about Pope Francis is getting quite a bit of press.

"Pope Francis Says Atheists Who Do Good Are Redeemed, Not Just Catholics"

Mostly posted by my Catholic friends, this article is all over Facebook. There seems to be a pretty stark contrast between people's reactions. They either really love the Pope's comments or they are freaking out.

Well, I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I'm not Catholic. So why am I commenting on anything the Catholic Pope says? Because Catholics are Christians and as my Christian brothers and sisters, I feel a compulsion to put my two cents into their business. Because their business is Christ's business. And pretty soon I'll be in that business too.

So my first issue is with the Huffington Post. Please do not call yourselves a legitimate piece of journalism. You make me sick to my stomach.

If you take the time to read the article, you will see that the headline of the article is a complete misquote.  Pope Francis says two things of consequence in his sermon and neither of them are "atheists who do good are redeemed, not just Catholics."

First and foremost, he is preaching about Mark 9:38-40 for those of you who want to look that up.

Here's what he says (I'll even use direct quotes):

"The Lord created us in His image and likeness, and we are the image of the Lord, and He does good and all of us have this commandment at heart: do good and do not do evil. All of us. 'But, Father, this is not Catholic! He cannot do good.' Yes, he can..."

Then he says later:

"The Lord has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ: all of us, not just Catholics. Everyone! 'Father, the atheists?' Even the atheists! Everyone!"

So I'll sum it up:

1. Anyone can do good works. Even people who are not Catholic.
2. Atheists are saved by the death of Christ.

Don't combine those two.

So is Pope Francis really saying that everyone is saved by good works (which makes the Protestant in me cringe)?
Or is he saying that everyone is saved by the Grace of God, regardless of what you believe or do?

You can argue against me, but I think it is the latter. And by golly, that's something I can support!

The death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ redeems everyone. Period. Not everyone who does good works. Not everyone who believes in God or Christ. Everyone. Period. 

As you might know, "us Lutherans" believe that we are saved by the Grace of God through faith.

Well crap. Going into seminary, I'm probably not supposed to say that I believe this. I'm probably not supposed to say that this has been my personal belief for a few years now. Oops. Well, I'm not one to follow the rules, Southern so uh... nice to meet you?

If Jesus did not die for every single fallen human being, then it would not be considered salvation. If He only died for those with works, it is not a gift. We have to work for it. If He died only for those with faith, God is not forgiving enough to even have mercy on the best of people.  Jesus died for everyone: regardless of our beliefs or actions. He must have died for everyone or He died for no one.

I know, what about Mark 16:16?

[Jesus said,] "He who has believed and has been baptized shall be saved; but he who has disbelieved shall be condemned."

Well, right after that, He says that those who believe will cast out demons, speak in tongues, pick up serpents, and will not be poisoned.

Okay, I don't know about you, but I haven't been casting out any demons or picking up any serpents. So does that mean I don't believe? I haven't seen record of these feats since the first disciples went out to preach. So are we just doing it wrong?

Probably. Actually, let me change that to a resounding YES.

So what if I'm right? What if Pope Francis (if I'm not misquoting him as HuffPost did) is right? What if nothing NOTHING but the Grace of God and the death of Jesus Christ gives us eternal life? What is there to lose in that belief? Why do we recoil at that?

Is it because it takes away our purpose? Our goal of evangelism and saving souls? Would there be any point in a Church if everyone was completely and only saved by Grace?

We could spread the good news. We wouldn't have to save people. That's not really our purpose in life anyway, is it? We could let them know and help them understand that they have already been saved by Jesus' death. They could experience the joy that comes with knowing that we don't have to- we can't- do anything to be saved. We just are. Just because we breathe. Just because we are God's creatures.

What if everyone believed that they are saved by Grace? That they are so loved by God that He would sacrifice His only son to die so that we could live? No conditions.

What would that world look like?

Perfection

I am terrified about going to seminary.

I went to high school with about 1,400 other people.
I went to undergrad at a university with over 56,300 people.
Some of my classes had about 400 people in the lecture.

Lutheran Theological Southern Seminary (I abbreviate that long name as 'Southern' in every other blog post) has 160 people enrolled right now.

160 people.

Talk about a rude awakening.

I have a few pending fears...

What if no one likes me?
What if I don't like anyone? (Okay, that is almost impossible.)
Rumors are going to fly like wildfire around that place. 
Everyone is going to know who I am, what I believe, who I date, where I'm from, and whether or not I am at church every single Sunday morning. 

I obviously don't have a whole lot of secrets (I am writing a blog, after all...) but even if I wanted to hide something, it would be virtually impossible at a school that small.

I'm a normal person (we are defining "normal" pretty broadly here), but I'm not perfect. I haven't killed anyone, I don't think I have ever stolen anything, and I try really hard not to plagiarize. But I am not perfect. And I hope the people at seminary accept me for who I am. I don't want to be perfect.

I strive to be a giving, loving, encouraging person at least 95% 85-ish% of my days. But I have some major flaws/things-that-are-weird.

I have a pretty foul mouth sometimes. (I'm working on it...) 
I think dirty jokes and sexual innuendoes are hilarious.
A lot of my faith is based on the fact that I just really love the mystery.
I'm a doer - if you start giving me "ideas," I'm going to ask you to demonstrate them.
I was a poli sci major in college. Politics is my thing.
I believe in loving people and forgiving them. And that gets me in trouble.
I have a lot beef with the Church and how "they" run things.
I'm unconventional. And liberal. And conservative. And confused.

What if no one likes me? 

Or worse:

What if no one is like me?

Mufasa

Remember this scene from The Lion King? 

I'm Shenzi in this clip. But replace "Mufasa" with "seminary." Oooo do it again! It makes me shudder (and giggle like a child).

For a long time, the thought of seminary has been creeping into my head. And it scared me. I think one of first times it really freaked me out was when I was in 7th grade. My friends and I were being particularly honest this day and were talking about our real life goals. As opposed to the ones we told everyone else, "I'd love to be a (insert respected profession here, such as lawyer, doctor, pharmacist, teacher)."

We shared things like, "how cool would it be to be an exotic dancer for a while?" and, "do you think I could be a cowgirl?"

Mine was weirder.

I quietly said, "well, I've kind of been thinking that being a pastor would be cool." My friends nodded, smiled, and moved on. Okay, I thought, probably not a "responsible" profession. 

I kept pushing this feeling to the back of my mind. I wanted to actually make money and I was told I was "smart enough" do just about anything short of being a physicist. So I pursued something more normal, and something that I did well. Something that would make more money.

A few months after I graduated college, people started saying these weird things to me:

"Have you ever thought of going to seminary?"
"What about ministry? That seems to fit you."
"Youth ministry is where you should really look."
"You'd be a great preacher. You should go to seminary."

Ew. I shuddered. That word again. Yuck. Seminary? Four more years of school? Really? Seminary?

Yes. Seminary.