Our Kingdom

You have probably heard me say that I can express my feelings best in song and in the written word.  This is my favorite song right now. And the fact that they just sat down in her bedroom and sang it just gives me shivers. Everything about this is amazing. And I think it says a lot about who I am, whose I am, and where I am right now. It's called "Our Kingdom" in the video, and is now titled "Sons and Daughters" by Allman Brown and Liz Lawrence. 

My favorite line is "it's all to come, for now we're still young, just building our kingdom, but it's all to come."  I've been a worrier my entire life.  I have always lived in my plans for the future and I am finally to the point in my life that I don't want to do that anymore.  (See my previous blog post.) 

But I don't think this song is a love song between two people.  This is a love song between me and God.  Listen to it again.  It is a promise that no matter where I go or what I do, God is with me and will wrap his arms around me "like the moon in the arms of the sky."  

I believe in a God that will put a fire in my soul and be proud of it.  I believe in a God that "will build a fire" within the house to keep his people impassioned.  

The chorus gets me the most: 

"And I'll build a fire, you fetch the water, and I'll lay the table." 

A fire brings to mind sacrifices from the Old Testament- an incredible testament of faith from Abraham, a sacrifice of thanksgiving from hundreds of God's people.  God asks us to bring the water.  She is asking us to fetch the water and baptize her people.  And she will lay the table.  She will feed us with the sustaining, life-giving bread and wine of Christ. 

And knowing that we came from many generations of faithful people, we will pray that those generations continue.  "We still pray for sons and daughters."  

Of course the garden imagery is everywhere in the Bible.  Jesus goes there for refuge, strength, and questioning.  A garden was the very first place God knew her people.  She is inviting us back into the garden to share the "red, red wine." 

And no matter what happens or where we go, God will always "keep the light on to call [us] back home."  She wants us to continue to come back home to her, where she will wrap her arms around our hearts and keep us safe. 

And God knows that "it's all to come."  Everything we could ever hope for is to come in the eschaton.  But "for now we're still young, just building our kingdom."  For now, God has given us the mission of building the Kingdom, God's Kingdom, with her.  

It is almost as if God is giving us permission to live into our youngness.  God wants us to follow our bliss and commune with her in the garden, let him hold you tight, and be open to him building a fire.  Because we're still young and it's all to come.  

The Way Things Change

I haven't written very much this month. I haven't really missed it and that makes me sad. I have been working hard learning Greek. I only have a few more days until I start class. I have also been packing to move. And all this week people have been trying to say "see you later" when they are really saying "goodbye." It is sad and stressful.

Because this really is the end of part of my life. I am entering a new part, a different part. I don't have anything to truly connect me to this place anymore. I have friends here, but within the next year they will probably be leaving and doing their own next adventures. Ronnie will be moving to South Carolina with me in about four months. Then we will have a new life together.

"The embrace can only be compared with music and with prayer."  -Marcus Aurelius

So in honor of these memories, these goodbyes, and embraces, and dreams, here's some songs I adore. They have been getting me through the past few weeks. I don't think music has to be about Christ to claim that it is worship. I think there is a lot of music that has a purity about it and that is what makes it holy. The Bible doesn't say "there's a time to sing gospel music," it just says there's a time to sing. This is how I have been worshipping God lately...

I am a whore.

I am obsessed with this song. Thank you, Alex Long.

Recently, Alex and I had a conversation about whoring yourself out for God. I'll be honest, it was more one sided than that. Really, Alex presented me with this idea and I went, "oh..."

And I haven't stopped thinking about it since... Then she had me listen to this song. And geez.

I am a whore.

God has called me to be His own. He bought me with the blood of His only Son. Which is more complicated than that. Because it was also His blood. He killed Himself and His Son for me. So that I would have everything I would ever need in life. So that I would have grace and peace and mercy rest upon me.

And how do I thank Him?

I'm a whore for everything else in this world that is potentially satisfying. Money, love, adventure, good deeds, education, friendships, expectations, hobbies. Not only that, but I make myself believe that He could actually be happy about this.

God WANTS me to be a whore. 

I have convinced myself that if I just try a little harder, or commit to a few more things, or just be a little better, I can be good enough for God to want me. If I whore myself out to a few more outlets, I'll be good enough for my Savior.

I've struggled with this my entire life. I am an over-committer. I say "yes" like a slut to every person and every experience because I think that by doing so, I can make God happy with who I am.

Yes, I'll be a youth leader. 
Yes, I'll take on a Bible Study. 
Yes, I'll help you plan the high school retreat. 
Yes, I'll sing with the band. 
Yes, I'll be there for your birthday. 
Yes, I'll sing in the choir. 
Yes, I'll be a reader/usher/communion assistant. 
Yes, I'll do the talent show.
Yes, I'll coordinate the homeless ministry and find funding. 

Yes, yes, yes. I'll do anything in the hopes that God will love me. 

But what if God isn't asking me to do any of this? What if He doesn't really want me to be a whore?
What if He would love me for who I am, flaws and sins and all, and not for what I do for Him?

Well, that just seems impossible. No man would ever love me like that.

That's why being loved by God is so damn hard. I just can't comprehend a love like that.