Growing Pains

I don't know if any of my friends have noticed it, but the past year has been a trying one for me. I have had to grow up quickly and sometimes unwillingly.  I've had to deal with heartache, loss, and a lot of changes that I'm not sure I was ready for. To top it all off, God decided I was going to start a whole other roller coaster called seminary. As if I needed more reasons to be emotional and moody.

I'm having some issues (try not to laugh too hard) with growing up.

A lot of people go through this phase when they are in high school. They want independence but safety.  They want their own car to go wherever they want but they want mom and dad to pay for it and fix it if it breaks. They want to do what they want when they want, just as long their parents keep paying for their recreations.

I didn't really go through that phase too hard in high school.  Even when I was a senior getting ready to leave my parents' house, I wasn't going crazy with rebellion. I am thankful that my parents never drowned my brother and I with house rules and regulations. We have pretty awesome parents.

I had some fun in college, but I knew I had about two or three years to play around until I got really serious about life. My parents paid for some things, but I was working and school was all paid for by scholarships and loans. I didn't have any huge responsibilities.

Well, I have been out of school for a year now and I am just now starting to figure out what it means to be an adult. And, um, I don't like it.

I am having to say goodbye to my best friends on a pretty regular basis. And I'm tired of it. I am surrounded by people getting engaged and married and trying not be jealous. I see people going on mission trips while I barely have money to pay my car insurance and it sucks. I am nervous about the future because I don't know exactly where God is taking me or how I am going to get there. I miss my parents and my brother and the rest of my family. I miss my churches in Ohio. And I'm just tired of it all.

It's times like this when I really wish the Gospels included years 10 through 30 of Jesus' life. What kind of issues did He deal with? He experienced all of our want for sin, right? Was He tempted to get drunk with His best friends? Did He have to learn how to get a job and pay the bills? Was He the best man at any of His friends' weddings? Did He ever fight with His parents? Did He have to do His own laundry?

Some of my favorite parts of the New Testament are when Jesus seems really human. He cries. He is tempted by the devil (and resists). He mourns the loss of His friends. He sleeps.

I wish I knew something more, though. Am I asking for too much? Probably. But I wish I knew how Jesus dealt with getting older and leaving His parents and His friends. Was He just content because He knew traveling and preaching was His destiny? Did He have divine comfort because of the God part of Him? He would be a homeless, poor traveler for His entire life. Was He nervous?

I want to know because if I knew Jesus was nervous and went through the same things that I am dealing with now, I might not feel so sorry for myself. I might be able to look to stories about Our Savior and how He said goodbye to His mother before He went out to preach. Or how He fought with His earthly father Joseph or His little brother James.

Give me 21 year old Jesus and all of his adolescent craziness. Then maybe my life won't feel like it is in shambles.

James

My father's name is James. My older brother's name is James. 

These two men have been huge blessings and huge pains in my backside throughout my life. 

Then there is another James. Who has been just as annoying and a pain in my backside. 

James, a slave of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ (James 1:1 NLT).

If you haven't read the entire book of James, open up a new tab and go read it. I can't promise that it will have the same effect on you that it had on me, but I'm guessing something will stick out like a knife in your chest. 

In my Bible, I have things like "YES" and "I love this!" written all over the margins of James. 

Then in fourth chapter, that joyous confirmation stops. And James stabs me right where it hurts. 

Let's rewind. Not too far. Only about eight months. 

My life was fantastic in May of 2012. 

I was ready to graduate from The Ohio State University with a Bachelors Degree in American Political Science after only two years of study. I was sliding right into an amazing job with the Department of Defense (I would be making A LOT of money). And I would get to move back down to Virginia for a few years and spend time with all of my best friends. I would have this great job, a cute little apartment, maybe buy a new car, make lots of money, then move on to another great city. Yes. This was the good life. 

Then James happened. 

Look here, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit." How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog- it's here a little while, then it's gone. (James 4:13-14 NLT)

Thank you, James, for completely wrecking my life. You're not quite as loving and forgiving as my brother and dad. You kind of suck. 

So I started praying. And life started kicking me in the head. So I prayed some more. And life continued to take jabs at me. Then finally, it took the blow below the belt. 

My marvelous, high-paying, nicely perked job had been swiped from me. The government decided that it should go to veterans instead of recent graduates. And, alas, I am no veteran. 

Enter a defeated girl: jobless, moveless, apartment-less, new car-less, lots of money-less. 

Thanks, James. This is where my story begins.