I am a whore.

I am obsessed with this song. Thank you, Alex Long.

Recently, Alex and I had a conversation about whoring yourself out for God. I'll be honest, it was more one sided than that. Really, Alex presented me with this idea and I went, "oh..."

And I haven't stopped thinking about it since... Then she had me listen to this song. And geez.

I am a whore.

God has called me to be His own. He bought me with the blood of His only Son. Which is more complicated than that. Because it was also His blood. He killed Himself and His Son for me. So that I would have everything I would ever need in life. So that I would have grace and peace and mercy rest upon me.

And how do I thank Him?

I'm a whore for everything else in this world that is potentially satisfying. Money, love, adventure, good deeds, education, friendships, expectations, hobbies. Not only that, but I make myself believe that He could actually be happy about this.

God WANTS me to be a whore. 

I have convinced myself that if I just try a little harder, or commit to a few more things, or just be a little better, I can be good enough for God to want me. If I whore myself out to a few more outlets, I'll be good enough for my Savior.

I've struggled with this my entire life. I am an over-committer. I say "yes" like a slut to every person and every experience because I think that by doing so, I can make God happy with who I am.

Yes, I'll be a youth leader. 
Yes, I'll take on a Bible Study. 
Yes, I'll help you plan the high school retreat. 
Yes, I'll sing with the band. 
Yes, I'll be there for your birthday. 
Yes, I'll sing in the choir. 
Yes, I'll be a reader/usher/communion assistant. 
Yes, I'll do the talent show.
Yes, I'll coordinate the homeless ministry and find funding. 

Yes, yes, yes. I'll do anything in the hopes that God will love me. 

But what if God isn't asking me to do any of this? What if He doesn't really want me to be a whore?
What if He would love me for who I am, flaws and sins and all, and not for what I do for Him?

Well, that just seems impossible. No man would ever love me like that.

That's why being loved by God is so damn hard. I just can't comprehend a love like that.