The Expedition

A friend and colleague shared this poem as we considered how to leave our congregations and say goodbye "well." I don't know if there is a way to say goodbye well to the people who have captured my heart and lovingly pulled me into their family so quickly and fully, but I will try and try again until I have expended enough words on these loved ones. So tonight I share not my own words, but the words of another, more poetic writer... 


The Expedition 

by Anthony de Mello

My time here has come to an end, 

And I think of the days that I have spent in these surroundings.

I see an image of myself as I was when I came here

And I look at my self as I am today

At the close of this time.

I think of the persons and places that have been a part of my time here.

To each of them I speak in gratitude.

And to each I say goodbye. 

Other places, other persons call to me,

and I must go. 

I think of the experiences I have had,

The graces I have been granted

In this place.

For each of these too, I am grateful.

I think of the kind of life I have lived here,

The atmosphere, the daily schedule.

I say goodbye:

Another type of life awaits me,

Other graces, other experiences.

And I say goodbye to persons,

places, 

things, 

events,

experiences,

and graces, 

I do so under life's imperious biddings.

If I wish to be alive

I must learn to die at every moment.

That is, to say goodbye, let go, move on. 

When this is done, I turn to face the future

And I say, "Welcome."

I think of the work that waits for me,

The people I shall meet,

The type of life I shall be living, 

The events that will take place tomorrow.

And I extend my arms in welcome

To the summons of the future.

A Reflection, a Farewell

Every Tuesday night I have the privilege of leading a bible study at the house of some of my wonderful parishioners. We start around 9pm and end as close to 10pm as I can get us without going too far into the night. Then we gather in the kitchen to continue to chat and eat whatever delicious food and sweets are present that night. By the time we leave (often somewhere between 10:30 and 11pm), I am so sleepy and stuffed that I zone out as another couple drives me home.

A few nights ago, we had bible study, realized that we only have a few weeks left together, and scheduled our very last bible study (which will end up being us gathering for food and possibly talking about Jesus a little bit). That evening as we drove home, I noticed the odd sound of country music coming over the Malaysian radio station. Thomas Rhett's "Die a Happy Man" washed over my ears and I smiled. Oo how I miss country music and seeing the stars at night and bonfires. I felt ready and eager to be "home" in the United States.

Then as I kept listening to the lyrics, I felt sorrow and maybe even regret. It's hard to name exactly the emotions that flooded into my heart, but it wasn't the joy of leaving, it wasn't the excitement of seeing my family at home.

"If I never get to see the Northern lights
Or if I never get to see the Eiffel Tower at night
Oh, if all I got is your hand in my hand
Baby, I could die a happy man"

The premise of the song is that this man has some "bucket list" items, but he sings that even if he doesn't get to do all of those things, he would "die a happy man" just because he gets to spend his days with this woman. I know this feeling all too well. Daniel and I used to move the furniture and dance in the living room. Or we would turn his small apartment into a movie theater. We went on some pretty incredible dates, but my favorite times together have been when we didn't have to spend any money at all. We were just together and happy. We have dreams and plans, but even if they didn't work out, we are still so happy simply being together.

But as I heard this song, I realized that we did get to see our metaphorical Northern lights this year. We did get to see our metaphorical Eiffel Tower at night. And while it's true that our love would be just as incredible and we would be just as happy without these experiences, the truth of the matter is that we have done things this year and seen things that we never could have imagined in our wildest dreams.

And I don't think I've been as grateful as I should have been. I took a lot of it for granted. I think part of it is because I never could have imagined being here and seeing these things this year - or maybe everything happened so quickly that I haven't had a chance to digest it- but I won't use that as an excuse. Until I started to hear that song play over and over in my head, I don't think I fully realized how amazing our first year of marriage has been. Every once in a while we would turn to one another and say, "We are living in Malaysia. How odd the way life turns out," but I don't think it all sank in the way it did the other night.

We saw the famous tea fields of the Cameron Highlands in Malaysia.
We dipped our toes into oceans and seas that I never would have thought we'd visit in our lifetime.
We rode a 40 year old elephant and fed an eight year old elephant!
We watched the sun rise over Angkor Wat.
We watched the sun set on a beach in Bali.
We rode on a crazy cable car in Langkawi and walked on a long curved suspension bridge.
We spent part of Thaipusam at Batu Caves.
We saw the giant reclining Buddha at Wat Pho.
We ate authentic pad thai from a street cart in Bangkok.
We watched a storm roll into the city, sweeping over the Petronas Towers and KL Tower, on the helipad of a skyscraper.
I've preached in three countries and had my sermons translated into several languages.
We went to Universal Studios in Singapore.
We also went to the rooftop pool at Marina Bay Sands and rode the Singapore Flyer.
We had dinner on the rooftop of the #1 restaurant in Phuket.
We shared many of these memories with my parents and Daniel's brother.

And last, but certainly not least, we spent the entire year being welcomed and loved by people who knew nothing about us and committed to helping us grow in ministry, in life, and in love.

This past year has been more incredible, difficult, and surprising than we could have ever imagined. And I think I am just now realizing that this isn't normal. This life is a privilege and an honor. This year has been such an unfathomable blessing from God and I know that we will not soon forget the beautiful memories we have shared in this first year of marriage.

It also gets me excited about what God has in store for us next. We are ready- where will our next adventure lead us?

This week in food

Malaysia is incredible. Marriage is awesome.

I'm still in the honeymoon stage. On both accounts.

So far, I have mostly documented my experience in terms of food. Unfortunately, I only have one exciting picture of our breakfast this morning. If you're not interested in food, you might be disappointed in this post and you can skip over it.

Monday: We arrived today and were whisked off to eat (because that's what you do here)! We had Cantonese food, which was new to me. It was a bed of rice (a theme you will see frequently) with various dishes - cabbage, bean curd, and chicken. It was all very good.

Tuesday: We went to the mall and met up with a friend from Daniel's church. She introduced us to delicious tea, an iced mocha, and the most incredible salted caramel cake. That night we were able to attend the weekly Bible study at a parishioner's house.  They graciously hosted us for dinner - rice, lamb curry, roasted chicken with vegetables, and so many good Malaysian fruits.

Wednesday: Our friend took us out to have Thai food - garlic pepper chicken, pandan chicken, vegetables, and a really spicy soup (over rice).  That was probably my favorite meal until this morning.

This morning we decided we should stop eating croissants and jelly every morning for breakfast. So instead we went down to the mamak (street side restaurant) not even a block from our house and had roti.  Roti is a similar consistency as a crepe and is served pulled apart with a curry sauce on the side. You can also get it with eggs, onions, and other things. It took us a while to figure out how to order, but everyone is really gracious to us foreigners. The best part was that our meal (2 rotis) costs 50 cents. So we will definitely be going back basically every morning. No more croissants and jelly for us!

Roti with spicy curry sauce!

Running on Fumes

I am exhausted. And I haven't even arrived in country yet. In fact, we are just now leaving Columbus. What is this life?

I am so ready for a new normal.  I don't know what that means yet (hopefully it involves naps), but I am definitely ready for it.  In the past three weeks, I haven't gotten anything close to normal.

We moved all of our belongings into storage.
We couch surfed for three days.
We temporarily moved into a mountain house with our family of twelve.
We got married (yikes).
We moved up to Ohio for a week with my parents.
We packed everything else we own into six bags.
We said goodbye.

And now we are weirdly in this in-between place again of not quite able to move forward and really really wanting to be in Malaysia already! Womp womp. That's the beautiful tragedy of airport terminals, I suppose.

The good news is that our first week of marriage has been pretty cool. We have gone to fancy restaurants, eaten a lot of good food, slept in until late, played with our wonderful dog, and played a lot of Spades with my parents.  All in all, if the rest of our marriage could continue like this (minus the whole living in my parents' house thing), we would be pretty happy.

But we are really ready for Kuala Lumpur.  We might be dreading the 36 hours it is going to take to get there, but we are really ready for the malls, the people, our own little house, a crazy year of internship, and lots of really good food.

And I, for one, am really excited for a new normal.  I am so ready to not be living out of my suitcase anymore. I am so ready to empty out onto the bathroom counter the quart size plastic bag I use to hold my makeup.  I am so ready to put my shampoo on the shower shelf for more than a week. And I am more than ready to sit down at night and say, "this is our home."  Even if it only lasts a few months.

So for now, I suppose I should nap a little bit before we get on this plane to Denver.  Because goodness knows it's only a matter of time before I start to get hangry and grumpy and altogether beat by this travel.  It's going to be a bumpy ride.

And in case you're wondering, here's our flight plan:

Columbus -> Denver -> Los Angelos -> Taipei -> Kuala Lumpur

See you on the other side of the world!

Soggy Wedding

I think it is only appropriate that it rained on our wedding day. It was beautiful weather all week (a little bit of rain in the mornings and gorgeous in the evenings) and then Friday came around.  It threatened storms but held off for a while. My mother was giving explicit instructions to everyone around not to tell me about the downpour that was happening while I got my hair and makeup done.

But eventually I walked outside to brush my teeth (in the spirit of a Honduras trip), and all I could do was smile at the drizzle.  My bridesmaids, knowing I can be a bit dramatic and waiting for me to full-on rage, kept delicately asking, "are you okay? How are you doing?"  But honestly I didn't care at all that it was raining.  (To be honest, I wanted the rain to stop only so we could have pictures taken outside with the gorgeous mountains.)

Photos by McKenzie Canaday

All that mattered to me that day, and that entire week, was that on Friday night around 5:30pm I would be married to my best friend.  No amount of rain could dampen my mood because I was the giddiest girl in the entire world.

As we got ready for the grand reveal of my dress, the rain stopped, the sun shone beautifully, and we were able to walk down to the field and barn to take pictures with our entourage.

Photo by McKenzie Canaday

We took photos with our entire family and a lot of friends as guests began to arrive with umbrellas.  I said a silent prayer, hoping the rain would hold off until after the ceremony and I had a feeling we would be okay.

The music started. My dad took my arm. I saw Daniel's smile. We walked down the aisle.

And the heavens opened up.

Our pastor looked over at me as he began the welcome, silently asking, "are we staying here or moving inside?"  I shrugged and said, "we can stay here for now."  Then it down poured.

So we crammed everything inside the barn and tried to dry off as the groomsmen and musicians brought the speakers inside.  I felt as if everyone was looking at me, waiting for me to get emotional about the rain (or maybe I'm just that vain thinking everyone was looking at me).  All I could do was smile.  Still, even as I shivered inside the dark barn, nothing could bring my spirits down.

Everything else went off without a hitch. The rain made things more fun- people laughed and gathered closer to one another, and we chuckled about who had umbrellas and who didn't.  Pastor Gary made jokes about baptism and made some verses up about rain on your wedding day. The whole thing was a blast. I barely remember the ceremony besides the vows and me staring at Daniel through all of the prayers as tears rolled steadily down both my cheeks. (And in case you really want to listen to my voice crack again as I giggle and sob, here's the video.)

Later that night I was commended for "handling everything with such grace."  I couldn't help but think that it was not me with the grace on this day, but God whose grace so overflowed that even the heavens couldn't contain it.  Everything was wonderful. Everything was perfect.  Everything was a little bit soggy (from the rain and the tears).

So I can't help but find the humor in our wedding day as we prepare for our first year of marriage in a city of monsoons.  We started it all off being rained on, and I suspect it won't let up any time soon. But I'm perfectly happy dancing in the rain.

Next Adventures

Daniel and I are trying hard to keep everyone informed about what is happening in our very busy lives. But every once and a while, we will rattle off the next six adventures as if they are just obstacles on the way to the next moment in our lives.  Please trust me when I say that they are not.  The truth is that when people ask, "so what are you doing next?" or "where are you headed?" I automatically (sometimes falsely) assume that they do not want to hear all of the places we are going in the next three weeks.  But maybe they do, maybe they really do care about our crazy lives and the roller coaster that we have only just begun.

So that's what this post is about.  If you really do care about the craziness that is happening in the next few weeks - here it is.

Daniel and I JUST left (two weeks for me, one week for him) internship training with the Global Missions division of the ELCA.  It was a blast, and we learned a lot about the "beautiful secret" things that the ELCA is doing through Global Missions.  If you're interested in these secret or unknown things, just ask me because I have gotten really geeked out about it. We just started a program that focuses on educating women, there's an international leadership program, and there are people all over the world doing really incredible things (like starting a Lutheran church in South Sudan in the midst of a civil war).  

All this to say, Daniel and I are officially a "missionary couple!!"  It sounds so crazy because I don't consider what we are doing next year "mission" work, but it is a pretty humbling title to carry around.  Especially among the other beautiful people who hold that title in this church. 

Right now we are heading to Columbus, OH, where my parents have so graciously kept Cooper for two weeks.  (Thanks Mama and Daddy!!) We will pick him up, love on my parents for about twelve hours, then head back "home" to Durham, NC.  Daniel has one more heartbreaking week of internship down there.  On August 2nd, we will say, "goodbye for now" to our beautiful church family there. It will be one of the hardest goodbyes thus far.  

From there, we will have about a week to pack up all of Daniel's things (and my remaining things) and move them down to our storage unit in South Carolina.  We are excited and sad to say "goodbye" and "see you later" to a lot of our great friends at the seminary that weekend. We are at least very thankful for the opportunity to see some people and get some hugs before we depart for the year. 

Then we work our way back up north to Lincolnton, NC, where we will spend a day with our sisters and visit with Grandma before making the trek up to the mountains of Banner Elk, NC. 

After almost a week of wedding week preparation and vacation in our big family rental house in Banner Elk, 150 of our closest friends will join us for the celebration of Holy Communion and our wedding.  Obviously, that is the event that many people are most excited for.  But I can honestly say that I am just glad that I will finally be married to my best friend.  

After the wedding, we will drive back up to Columbus, spend a week with my parents (honeymooning a bit), then start our very long journey (24 hours of plane-riding) to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia! 

We want to make sure people who care know where we are and where we are going so that they can keep in touch and continue to hold us in prayer. So thank you, for everything you have done in our lives and all of the support you continue to give us.

Words Like Accompaniment

This past week has been a wonderful roller coaster.  I had the insane privilege of meeting 12 fellow "missionaries" who are all preparing for their own crazy adventures over the next year (or three).

Photo by Jenna B.

Now I say "missionaries" in quotations not because I doubt their credibility as "missionaries," but because I don't consider myself a part of the pack.  You see, most people at this conference are giving up their families, friends, loved ones, and congregations to teach or volunteer for a year or more of Global Mission.  It would discredit these fine people to say I am doing the same.

But there is a sense in which I will be a missionary for the next year.  Internship is a little bit different than what most other are doing with Global Missions (I am in an established English-speaking congregation in a large city), but I have already been sucked into the language and mindset of missionary work within the ELCA.

I've learned how to use words like accompaniment, mission, solidarity, inclusivity, mutuality, vulnerability, sustainability, and empowerment when talking about what the Church does and how they do it.

We have learned so much and we have so much left to learn, but what has impacted me the most is the bond that has formed between us in this short amount of time.  It is so comforting to know that as Daniel and I travel this next year, we will not be alone.  We will simply be joining the stories of all the missionaries who have gone before us, walking with the missionaries sent out this year, and paving the way for missionaries who will come after us.

Photo by Jenna B at The Bean in Chicago, IL

Saying goodbye to the rest of this group is bound to be full of heartbreak (as was saying goodbye to the two people who already left this week).  But I am so thankful for this community and the support that we will provide for one another over the next few years as we continue, end, and start seminary education, as we figure out what in the world we are doing with our lives, and as we journey with one another and Christ into the unknown and ever-exciting field of Global Mission.

Energizing yet Crazy

It feels as if I haven't stopped moving in weeks!

So much has happened in the past couple of weeks and so much is going to happen in the next few months.  It amazes me that I have been able to keep my head on straight.  Everything is spinning at a rapid pace and it has been energizing yet crazy.  I'm exhausted, but I get a couple of weeks to relax and reboot before it gets insane again this summer.  So here is what has been happening and what is happening soon:

Last month: I have been in the process of filling out mountains of paperwork for my internship year.  Turns out that moving to a foreign country for a year is kind of complicated!  It has been hard to even think about moving to Malaysia since I have been so consumed in school work, but now that school is over, it is really starting to sink in and I am very excited about it!  

Last week: I finished my second year of seminary!  It was definitely my hardest semester yet.  I don't know how I did it, but I actually managed to pull out better grades this semester than last semester.  Actually, I do know how I did it.  I did it with the help, love, and support of my friends, professors, and family.  But I am delighted that it is over and I am excited to move along with the next part of seminary.

Last week: I also moved last week.  I put 90% of what I own in a storage unit and took the rest up to Durham.  I spend a lot of last week packing but I also spent a lot of last week saying "see you later" to everyone at seminary.  It was crazy and wonderful and bitter sweet to move away from my seminary family, but I am excited about being in Durham for a while and being adopted into a new family at St. Paul's Lutheran Church.

This week: I am relaxing!  I have been going to the gym almost every day and laying by the pool.  It is wonderful.  I am so happy.  I'm also going up to Virginia to spend some time with my second family and see some of my girls! It is going to be wonderful.

Next week: My mom comes to town! Oh AND Daniel and I are having out first bridal shower! It is going to be the best week.  Hooray!  St. Paul's is throwing us a wedding shower and it is bound to be incredible.  We are so thankful to have such a beautiful church family here.  And I couldn't be more excited to have my mom here for a week.  We are going to get so much done for the wedding and it is going to be wonderful to spend time with her.  I miss her like crazy!

Next month: I get to go to Cuba at the end of June! My theology professor asked my roommates and me to go to Cuba with a Methodist group and it is going to be incredible.  We will be working on a seminary building while we are down there.  It will be my third country in two years (with Malaysia being my fourth).  It will be super exciting to spend another week with Megan before spending a year apart.  It should be a wonderful week!

So if you haven't noticed, I'm describing most things happening in my life as "wonderful," because I could honestly not be happier.  There is a lot more happening after June, but I will leave that for another post.  I can't wait to keep in touch with everyone over the next couple of months through this blog (I'm hoping to keep up with it more regularly).  So keep an eye out if you're interested!

From Port-au-Prince to Yvon

I won’t tell you it was life-changing. It is far too easy to go back to living my normal, Westernized,  previous life in South Carolina.  It is much more difficult to change.  In fact, I am already back to my normal routine - only to be intermittently interrupted by people asking how the mission trip went.  I have not sold all of my things and I am not running to the pulpit to preach about the devastation in Haiti. 

But now I have seen it - the children and mothers begging for food, the charity from hundreds of foreign countries being auctioned on the streets.  I may not be changed, but I am not the same.  

One of the most stunningly tragic parts of the trip was the ride from Port-au-Prince to Yvon.  We left early that morning and packed into a very small bus for the ten of us and all of our luggage.  As we pulled out of the Methodist guest house compound, it became obvious that I would not be going back to sleep for the four hour ride.  

I was jostled by the symphony of honks and brakes and engines revving at the next intersection.  I was taken by the sights and the sounds all around me.  It was like nothing I had ever seen before.  I was sure that the bus driver had purposely gone through a more depressed part of the city in order to “show these North Americans how good they have it.”  But as we continued down the maze of streets, I realized that every street was the exact same.  All the vibrant colors on the walls of the city were muted by a layer of dust.

There were huge hogs in the drainage canals which were no longer draining anything due to the amount of human and animal waste piled high within them.  There was an obvious difference between the women in the streets.  In Haiti, if you get pregnant you are kicked out of school.  The young women who make it through school and are lucky enough to find a job have a visible sense of independence and pride - something that was very obvious in our translator Angee.  

As we got out of the city, I thought I would get the chance to relax my muscles and take a nap.  We rounded a corner and saw trash piled high, burning.  As we passed our group coughed and  covered our eyes.  It stung my eyes and nose and gave me a deep sense in my gut that I was not going to get any sleep on this trip.  

We passed half-complete construction sites from past service projects and empty promises.  In many places in Haiti, people will build until they run out of money and cannot build anymore.  There is no financing, no hope of asking for a loan for a new house.  Many times, houses are left half-finished with long poles of rebar sticking high into the air.  

As we continued, I started to understand the language of the car horns - the long drawn out of “I’m coming over” or the short burst to villagers of “don’t cross the street” or the tap-tap of “thank you” after passing.  My favorite was the screeching warning to cars as we flew around sharp corners at nearly 80 miles per hour.  (There are no speed limits in this part of Haiti.) 

The glimpse of the ocean between the crumbling walls helped us forget where we were for a brief second.  It is stunningly blue and tranquil outside of the dirt and chaos of the city.  Until you see the specks of people fishing - realizing that their labor is not for pleasure but survival.  

After about two hours of travel we have become accustomed to the rotting or dead animals on the side of the road.  The gusts of sewage washing over you starts to be familiar.  The houses became less  structurally sound as we moved further and further from the city.  They were made out of whatever people could buy, find, or trade - tin, mud, and palm branches. 

We slowly passed by a large market that took up almost the entire street.  Men reached into the open windows of the van trying to sell us bread, water, and sodas in glass bottles.  Others were selling school supplies, diapers, toothpaste, and soap by the box.  I felt a fire rising in my chest like heartburn as I realized that relief from foreign countries and missions were not going to people in need but instead being auctioned off to the highest bidder.  

We continued down the narrow road and as I thought, “surely we will run out of island soon and drive right into the ocean,” we turned onto a dirt road toward the village of Yvon.