Ruin me for the ordinary

This is the prayer I had taped to my rearview mirror for several months this past year. When it finally flew off while my windows were down, I thought maybe it was a sign that I needed to find a new prayer.

What I didn't realize until later was that this prayer, clearly visible to anyone riding in my car and very obnoxious to anyone who drives it, was pushing me toward constant prayer. I would get in my car, read it, and truly mean it every single day. I wanted God to ruin me. I didn't want to be comfortable anymore. I wanted my heart to be broken.

Well, if you know anything about my life this past year, God has done just that. I was uncomfortable, broken, and completely ruined.

But it was so good.

Now that I am starting seminary I am afraid that it is exactly where I am supposed to be. Why should I be afraid of that? Because I don't want to be comfortable. I need to be able to challenge myself. They won't let me take additional classes (yet) and I am afraid that I am going to have a very light schedule for my first semester.

So I have promised myself that if I am bored or even if I am slightly comfortable, I am going to push myself into uncomfortable and ruining situations.

I want my heart to be broken at injustice and cruelty, poverty and prejudice. I want my heart to break for the things that break God's heart. I know what that means. I know it means I am going to hurt. A lot. And I know that ruining me for the ordinary means that I will never be okay with myself in comfortable situations. I will never want an ordinary life. I know that is going to be challenging. But I am so desperate for Jesus that it doesn't matter anymore.

God isn't supposed to be comfortable to be around. My friend has a theory that, as a fallen humanity, we are not able to be naturally close to God. God is so incredibly good compared to us that we can't even fathom it.  That is why when we do things to be closer to God, whether it is turning the other cheek, forgiving over and over again, meditating, or loving people who we don't feel deserve our love- we are uncomfortable.  It doesn't feel good most of the time. Love hurts. Vulnerability hurts. But that is what brings us closer to God.

I need to keep pushing myself toward God. I don't know what that means yet, but I have a feeling that just knowing that it needs to happen is a step in the right direction.

It was nice.

Some people can point to a time in their life when everything started to make sense. 
Life started to come together and things got easier. The bad became good. 

Some people call this a "revelation" or a "come to Jesus moment." Or maybe it was the day that he or she was saved and invited Jesus into his or her life. 

I'm a little different. I've always had "faith." I was baptized when I was six days old. I didn't have this crazy moment of realizing that I needed to be saved by God.

Jesus was always kind of "there" in my life. I grew up in the church. My family moved around a lot so we went to a few different churches over the years. I got to experience Catholics, Presbyterians, Lutherans, and Baptists. 

It was nice. 

But it didn't really do anything for me. Church was just something we did on Sunday morning. There was no thought, no further discussion. I don't blame this on my parents - they would have answered if I asked questions, but I was, frankly, uninterested. 

I got the gist of it: 

Jesus was God and man. He died to forgive our sins. He rose on the third day.

Cool. 

But this "simple truth" didn't affect my life in any dramatic way. I didn't think about it every day, all day long. 

Spoiler alert: some things have changed.