Generational Love

Ruth 1:1-18

Psalm 146

Hebrews 9:11-14

Mark 12: 28-34

There are 4,200 different religions in the world.  There are 5,000 ethnic groups in the world.  There are 318 MILLION people in the United States alone.  But we aren’t just diverse as a people, we are diverse as generations.  There are more people over 50 living in the United States than any other time in all of history.  That’s pretty awesome.  But it just shows how completely different and spread out people are throughout the country, but also throughout the Church.  If you look around this morning, there are all sort of different people who come from completely different places and live such different lives.  And we are all different ages and grew up in different generations. 

Things are different than they were five, ten, twenty years ago.  I see you smiling.  You know what I’m talking about. Everything has changed - how we communicate has changed from hand-written letters to telegrams to phone calls and text messages.  How we raise our children has changed with electronics and schools transforming.  Even the way we worship has changed.  My parents had no idea what “contemporary worship” meant when they were growing up.  

And let’s be honest, it divides us.  There are many people who love traditional worship, many people who love contemporary.  There are a lot of people who say no cell phones for kids until they are fifteen years old and some who will give in around 8 years old.  Generations are different and I think it’s a good thing.  It is certainly a natural change.  

But there is something that unifies us.  And I think Jesus and Ruth both get to it in these passages.  You heard most of the backstory with Ruth - her husband dies and there is no other relative to take as her husband.  Naomi does such a noble thing there with Ruth - she tells her to go back to her people and find a husband so that she might not have to live a lonely life and a life of poverty.  Naomi didn’t have to give Ruth that blessing... and Ruth certainly could have taken that blessing and left.  But she did something different.  She, because she felt connected to Naomi in a deeper way than just being her daughter-in-law, stays with Naomi and loves her like her own mother.  I think as a church, we can really learn from that.  

They weren’t from the same tribe of people, they didn’t have the same friends.   But something connected them.  Somehow, during their time together, Naomi was able to pass down something so incredibly vital for Ruth, that Ruth wasn’t willing to part from her.  She knew she would live in poverty and that she could never marry another man and have children.  This meant shame and complete loneliness during that time.  But there was a love and connection that kept Ruth from following her sister-in-law back to her old life.  Naomi had instilled in Ruth the traditions of her people and the value of her religion.  

“Do not press me to leave you
    or to turn back from following you!
Where you go, I will go;
    where you lodge, I will lodge;
your people shall be my people,
    and your God my God.

Where you die, I will die—
    there will I be buried.
May the Lord do thus and so to me,
    and more as well,
if even death parts me from you!”

That is beautiful. 

It was the unity of God and the unity of kinship that kept those women together, even through the most difficult time in their lives.  But it wasn’t just the kinship and unity of God, it was love.  Naomi loved Ruth enough to allow her to go back to her family and find another husband and live a fruitful life.  And we know how much Ruth loved her mother-in-law - enough to stay with her and live a life of poverty.  

In the gospel, Jesus tells us that the two most important commandments are to  “love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength” and  "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

Naomi was able to pass down both of these commandments to Ruth.  

One of the most incredible things we are able to pass down to young people is love.  I believe, as a child of two wonderful parents that the most important thing they taught me was how to love.  They were good at it, after all.  They love each other and they love my brother and me.  I can’t think of a single time growing up that I didn’t feel my parents’ love for me.  And I don’t think that they just woke up on the morning of becoming parents and decided to learn how to love.  It’s something that their parents taught them and their grandparents passed down as well.  Love is something that is almost necessarily passed down from generation to generation.  It is love that we have in common with all of the generations before us and all of the generation after us.  It was the love of God and the love of one another that kept Ruth and Naomi together.  

We have that same type of love that keeps us together as a church body.  We have the love of Christ.  We have a unity of spirit that is able to hold us together through space and time - through the generations and through the diversity of the world.  We have unity because of the Trinitarian God.  God so loved this world and Jesus Christ died for the love of the world.  The Holy Spirit was given to the church to remain and nurture the church.  It was given in order to be a comforter, a guide, and a way to keep the church unified.  

Our response to this gift of love and commitment that our God has given us so freely is these two commandments.  Love God with all of your heart and all of your mind and all of your soul.  And love your neighbor as yourself.  This response is meant to keep the church together and provide real relationship within the church and outside of the church.

We celebrate this unity and this relationship in two sacred ways in the Lutheran church - the waters of baptism and Holy Communion.  Baptism is a reminder that we belong in God’s family.  Communion is a celebration and remembrance that we are in this together.  And the really cool part is that it’s not just this church that is unified in Christ.  We are together with all of the saints and sinners throughout all of time and space.  Our grandparents and great-grandparents.  People who have yet to be born.  Every generation and throughout the entire world, we are all of one spirit in Christ Jesus.  

Things are going to keep changing.  Generations will continue to feel further and further apart.  The world will continue to expand and diversify.  But if we are able to teach people of all ages that the two greatest commandments are to love God with all your heart and all your mind and all your soul and to love your neighbor as yourself, the unity of the spirit in Jesus Christ cannot be broken.  

Biblical Women I'd Rather Be than the Proverbs 31 Woman

You have probably all heard of the Proverbs 31 woman. I have seen so many young men claim that they wish they could find a Proverbs 31 woman to marry. Or others who claim to have found a Proverbs 31 woman and just can't wait to make her their wife! Woohoo!

She is a capable wife.
She imports her food from far away.
She makes all her own clothes.
She gets up really early and cooks for her husband.
She works out.
Her husband is super popular.
She has her own business.
Her husband praises her.
She is submissive.
She lives for the will of her husband.
Oh yeah, and God too.

I don't have a huge problem with all of these things. Fearing God is cool. Owning your own business is pretty swell. But it doesn't say things like "sometimes she does things for herself because she's worth that."  It doesn't say that her husband helps her cook and clean because he recognizes the fact that being a mother and wife is actually pretty difficult work.  It doesn't say that she is independent and courageous.

She lives for her husband and for God.  And probably her children (although they are barely mentioned).

I guess there are worse things to live for.

But I would rather be one of these women of the Bible.

Sarah... obviously Sarah has to be one of my favorite women of the Bible.  I wish I had her faith, her humor, her love for Abraham.  She hears what God promises and she wants to do everything she can to make that come true so  that the nations might be blessed through the offspring of her husband. Even if it means she has to suck it up and give Abraham her servant Hagar.  So maybe her efforts were a little misguided.  She didn't give up and she loved God.

Achsah of Joshua, Judges, and 1 Chronicles... When her father promised her to a man in marriage, she told her father to up the dowry. Basically "I'm worth more than just a few acres of land." What a badass.

Deborah... the only female Judge of Israel in the Old Testament. Need I say more? People used to beg her to be a part of their battles because they were too afraid to fight on their own. She was pretty freaking cool.

Hogla of Numbers and Joshua... she was one of the five daughters of Zelophehad who fought and won the right to inhereit their deceased father's property.  Back then, women were basically considered property, so the fact that she could own her father's property (it would typically go to her brothers or uncles or some distant relative) is really awesome.

Jael of Judges... she is my favorite.  Jael tricked Sisera into coming to sleep in her tent and then she drove a tent spike through his head.  This delivered the Israelites from the troops of king Jabin.  I imagine her looking around at all the chaos and death going and and thinking, "well if all these men can't handle it, then I'm going to do this myself!"  She is pretty much the coolest.

Junia... one of the outstanding woman apostles.  She was a colleague of Paul and he apparently thought very highly of her.  Reason #975 why I don't think Paul wrote mean things about women in his letters.  Anyone who is able to hang with Paul and tolerate his incessant preaching and obsession with Jesus is worth a place on this list.

Ruth... she stayed with her mother Naomi because she knew that Naomi would need comfort and guidance after the death of all of her sons and husband.  Ruth is one of the most selfless, beautiful women in the Bible.  She is also the only one who has a whole book about her.  Not only that, but Naomi is kind of an awesome trickster and tricked a man into marrying Ruth and giving her a life. I love cunning women.  Sometimes I like to pretend I'm that clever.

Mary... I basically love all of the Marys in the Bible, but I especially like Mary, the sister of Martha. She sat at the feet of Jesus and listened to him teach while other people were probably looking at her like she was a freak.  You see, she wasn't doing the social norm of that time... she should have been up hosting with her sister Martha.  Martha even calls her on it!  But Mary is just perfectly content being with her Savior, no matter what is going on around her.

Rebekah... a lot of people don't really like Rebekah because she had a favorite son. But she is so smart! She dresses her favorite son up and makes sure he gets the blessing from their dying father.  So maybe she's not super honest, but she is killer smart.  

I like women who take things into their own hands. Women who stand up for what they believe in. Women who know what they want and are out to get it.  The Proverbs 31 woman sounds nice for a while, but her obedience to her husband and mundane days of making garments and planting vineyards sounds like a drag.

So here's hoping my future husband likes more of a Jael-type of girl!

Mom (Wife?)

Throughout my entire life I have always wanted to be one thing: a mom.

Weirdly enough, I had never really thought about being a wife.  I guess it would make sense that those two things go together but they never have in my mind. Now, my friends will tell you that I have thought about marriage.  This isn't exactly accurate. I've thought a lot about a wedding. A big party. A white dress. Lots of friends.  But I've never really thought about a marriage.

I don't think I've ever wanted to be alone though. Maybe it's the fact that I have never wanted to define myself by being someone's wife. I don't know what it is, but I have always kind of imagined myself hanging out with my best friend and raising kids.  Who knows, maybe that's what marriage is supposed to be.

Despite being in a relationship pretty consistently since about eighth grade, I have never imagined married life for myself.  (This might have something to do with a broken engagement, but we never really unpacked that during CPE.)

I have, however, imagined my life being a mom.  Since coming home from Honduras in January, I have started researching adoption laws and reading fiction and nonfiction books about adoption.  It has become a problem. (Haha)  But the funny thing about it is that I'm serious.  My friends roll their eyes and laugh at me when I talk about adoption, but I can't wait.  Many countries I've researched require adoptive parents to be married, 25 years old, and have a steady income.  Honduras is just about that "easy."  Three more years and a steady income.

Despite imagining myself as a mom and not a wife, I have never thought I would be alone.  Actually, I'm afraid I might be alone.  You see, I don't have normal plans for my life.

You've already heard about the adoption thing.  To take it a bit further from normal, I don't really want to give birth to any children.  Seriously. Cue my fear of hospitals and the fact that I think I'd be THE worst pregnant woman on earth.  One step further from normal: I think I'd like four or five kids (or more).

I also want to travel and live paycheck to paycheck, loving as many people as I possibly can. Possibly in a mud hut. Possibly without running water and electricity.

Not many people want to live close to poverty and devote their lives to people in another country. Even if it sounds like a good idea for a few months, it would be hard for most people to put their dreams of a normal family, house, and stability on hold for five or ten years. It's hard for me to think about it and it's something I've thought about for many years.  It's hard for me to ask someone to disregard what they think of as a "normal" relationship, and plunge into the unpredictability of adventure and love.

I'm already running and I need someone to run beside me and be my partner.  I don't know if that means marriage or a husband.  And that's pretty terrifying. Especially considering I'm in a relationship with a man for whom I'd give all of that up.

But maybe that's okay.  Maybe that's the point.  Maybe we are supposed to be so in love that we would give our dreams up for one another but we are also so in love that we would never ever ask one another to.

Such is life. Paradox.

Our Kingdom

You have probably heard me say that I can express my feelings best in song and in the written word.  This is my favorite song right now. And the fact that they just sat down in her bedroom and sang it just gives me shivers. Everything about this is amazing. And I think it says a lot about who I am, whose I am, and where I am right now. It's called "Our Kingdom" in the video, and is now titled "Sons and Daughters" by Allman Brown and Liz Lawrence. 

My favorite line is "it's all to come, for now we're still young, just building our kingdom, but it's all to come."  I've been a worrier my entire life.  I have always lived in my plans for the future and I am finally to the point in my life that I don't want to do that anymore.  (See my previous blog post.) 

But I don't think this song is a love song between two people.  This is a love song between me and God.  Listen to it again.  It is a promise that no matter where I go or what I do, God is with me and will wrap his arms around me "like the moon in the arms of the sky."  

I believe in a God that will put a fire in my soul and be proud of it.  I believe in a God that "will build a fire" within the house to keep his people impassioned.  

The chorus gets me the most: 

"And I'll build a fire, you fetch the water, and I'll lay the table." 

A fire brings to mind sacrifices from the Old Testament- an incredible testament of faith from Abraham, a sacrifice of thanksgiving from hundreds of God's people.  God asks us to bring the water.  She is asking us to fetch the water and baptize her people.  And she will lay the table.  She will feed us with the sustaining, life-giving bread and wine of Christ. 

And knowing that we came from many generations of faithful people, we will pray that those generations continue.  "We still pray for sons and daughters."  

Of course the garden imagery is everywhere in the Bible.  Jesus goes there for refuge, strength, and questioning.  A garden was the very first place God knew her people.  She is inviting us back into the garden to share the "red, red wine." 

And no matter what happens or where we go, God will always "keep the light on to call [us] back home."  She wants us to continue to come back home to her, where she will wrap her arms around our hearts and keep us safe. 

And God knows that "it's all to come."  Everything we could ever hope for is to come in the eschaton.  But "for now we're still young, just building our kingdom."  For now, God has given us the mission of building the Kingdom, God's Kingdom, with her.  

It is almost as if God is giving us permission to live into our youngness.  God wants us to follow our bliss and commune with her in the garden, let him hold you tight, and be open to him building a fire.  Because we're still young and it's all to come.  

The Start of Something New

I'm 22 years old.  I know, right? I'm young. And so far in my life, I have done some pretty cool things. And I'm super excited about all the cool things I have already done in my life.  I feel successful (even though I'll be on food stamps next month).  I am happy.  Seriously.  I know sometimes it doesn't seem like it, but I am happy. 

And I'm young.  I have a lot to live for.  I have a lot of goals I want to reach before I kick the bucket.  And I have a lot of time to achieve those goals.  I don't always feel that way- I look around to my friends who are forming nonprofit organizations, designing iPhone apps, becoming teachers, and traveling the world and I'm jealous.

I want to be doing those things. I think to myself.  So why am I not doing those things? Good freakin' question. I've never really had a bucket list before, but I think I'd like to start one.

I'm young.  I shouldn't be doing something I hate right now (like CPE) or ever, for that matter! I should be following my passions and creating my own bliss.  I should be leaving the past behind me and living the adventure that is my life.  I should be living the life I have right now. Moment to moment.

So I'm going to start.  CPE ends tomorrow with graduation and I am not turning back.  I'm going to run out those doors and start following my dreams.  This is my public proclamation that this is the start of something new.

I've always been fearful of the future.  I think that is why I spend so much of my energy trying to plan for it.  I try to map out my life and what is going to happen year to year.  Man, that takes the fun out of living!  I'm going to start living in the moment and loving life the way it is.  And if I am unhappy, I will get up and change it.  I know I can do this now because I have felt myself growing up.

One reason I know I have been changing and growing up is what I see in my relationship.  The relationship I'm in right now is the very first relationship in which I haven't been searching around for what is next or what is to become of it.  I am so happy with where I am in our relationship. I'm not worried about marriage or kids.  It's all to come.  For now, we're still young.  We enjoy each other's company and hanging out with our dog and going on road trips.  We love spending time with each other's family and talking about our passions.  We aren't in any hurry and that is so very nice.

I'm going to make mistakes. I'm going to say some stupid things. Maybe get myself in trouble.  But I am also going to have fun.  I am going to follow my passions no matter who I disappoint.  I am going to travel.  I am worth being the happiest I have ever been.

In preparation for Haiti

Most of you know this, but I went to Honduras for eleven days in January.  I haven't been able to go more than about 20 hours without thinking about that experience and how much I want to go back.  I might not get the opportunity to go back to Honduras, but I'm hoping to travel again this January.

The professor with whom I traveled takes a group to Haiti on the years he doesn't go to Honduras.

I am elated about Haiti.

I loved my experience in Honduras so much that I cannot even imagine how much fun I'll have in Haiti.  I just want to hang out with kids again.  Sweat in the sweet heat and giggle with some kids on the front porch of a school.  I've been Googling things about Haiti for the last week in anticipation. 34% of the population is younger than fourteen.  I couldn't be more excited.

Haiti intimidates me.

I don't know how to speak even a tiny bit of French.  And French Creole sounds even more exhausting.  How am I going to connect with people when I can't understand anything? When I can't speak anything?  But if I learned anything while I was in Honduras, it's that laughter and silliness are languages without distinctions.  I might be alright.

My heart breaks for Haiti.

Haiti was the first post-colonial black-led nation in the world.  They endured so much persecution by the Spanish and French over the years that their government has been pretty unstable for its entire existence.  It is currently the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere.  Poorer than Honduras? I think to myself. How my heart breaks for the people there.

Haiti is hurting.

In 2010, an earthquake struck Haiti, killing over 300,000 people and leaving over 1.5 million people homeless.  Four years later, they still haven't recovered.  They may never fully recover.  Their environment is subject to extensive deforestation and soil erosion.  And there is barely enough potable water to provide everyone with enough throughout the year.

Haiti can teach me so much.

Over 95% of Haitian citizens are black.  Over half of the population practices voodoo (although the census says that they are 80% Roman Catholic).  I am so incredibly interested in the culture there.  Not as a specimen of study, but as people I'd love to have relationships with.

I am so excited to meet my brothers and sisters in Haiti.  I'm going to be hitting everyone up for money soon.  It makes me ill to ask for money like this, but these trips are formational and completely priceless to the ministry for which God is calling me.

Give to everyone who asks

Give to everyone who asks.
Emphasis on the ask. 

I must confess, this particular post was conceived after reading another seminarian's blog post from about a week ago.  His point (which is obviously a very valid point) is that we are to give to everyone who asks.  Period.  The end.  Not "give to everyone who asks and seems to have need," not "give to everyone who asks and is willing to repay you," not "give to everyone who asks and seems like they're telling the truth."  We are called to give to everyone who asks.

Luke 6:30 says, "Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back."

Matthew 5:42 says, "Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."

But what if we are only called to give to those who ask.  Not the people we see as having a need.  Not the people we hope we can fix or help in order to get something out of it ourselves.  Not the people who are high profile and the world presents as "needy."

One of my biggest flaws is that I think I can fix things that I simply cannot fix.  Actually, I think I can and should fix things that people have no intention of fixing or don't want help in fixing.  I'm a chronic fixer.  A codependent fixer.  I want people to fix me too.

But I rarely wait for people to ask.  I never wait for "what do you think?" before giving my opinion.  I rarely wait for "how should I do it?" before letting them know how I would do it.  I barely ever wait for "can you help?" before I've offered three or four solutions to a problem.

What if this phrase is a commentary on our mission as a church?  What if the author intentionally didn't write, "give to everyone?"  What if we aren't supposed to walk into the impoverished part of town and declare their needs and hold out our hands for the "needy?"

I think it is especially an important self-care issue for caregivers.  We aren't going to be able to help all of the people who we think need help.  We aren't going to be able to help all of the people who we think deserve help or would benefit from help.  But we are able to help the people who ask for help.

Think about it: how many times did Jesus roll up, diagnose people, and decide to solve their problems?  Not too many times. In fact, in most of the time people are flocking to Jesus and asking for his help.  Of course, he responds appropriately to every single person- he helps them.  Even when he's in the middle of helping someone else.  Then after he helps people, he oftentimes retreats to the mountainside, the lake, or the wilderness to take care of himself.

Maybe this blog post isn't really going anywhere. (Did it go anywhere?) But I'll leave you with this:

Give to everyone who asks you.

CPE

CPE stands for Crazy People Emoting.

CPE stands for Creating Proper Empathy.

CPE stands for Crummy Perspectives on Everything.

CPE stands for Cram-Packed Emotions.

CPE stands for Constantly Praying for the Eschaton.

CPE stands for Clinical Pastoral Education.

I'm a chaplain at a hospital here in Columbia for eleven weeks this summer.  CPE is the infamous horror story told by every middler to every incoming junior at seminary.  The tales are tall and sometimes exaggerated.

But when I first started CPE I had all of those stories in my head.  And I was terrified.  I was furious.  I didn't want to be there.  I didn't know what would happen when I started orientation six weeks ago.  I thought about fighting "the man" (who in this case in my candidacy committee and the entire ELCA) and throwing a fit until I didn't have to do CPE.  Because I thought that would work. Ha.

I just thought it was pointless. I had a normal childhood. I have a good relationship with my parents. My brother is weird but functional.  I have good friendships that go back for years.  I'm now in a relationship that is most definitely the most healthy romantic relationship I've ever been a part of.  I didn't need this CPE thing and all the crap that came with it.

I also didn't think I had any authority to walk into someone's hospital room and ask them to share their shit with me.  Who do I think I am that I might make a tiny bit of difference for anyone ever?  Psh. That's some wishful thinking that I'll "touch" someone or that I'd actually benefit from delving into my own shit during group sessions.

But look at me.  The girl who wanted so badly to hate chaplaincy is loving it and constantly talking about it.  Weird.

I learned a few things these past few weeks:

1. No matter how you were raised or what kind of family you come from, it's really nice to talk to someone who is paid to listen to you.
2. If you look for disaster and depressing situations, you're going to find them.
3. If you look for miracles and small joys throughout the day, you're going to find them.
4. Music can pretty much explain any sort of emotion you're feeling at any given moment.
5. "Talking through" things isn't something annoying people do, it's something healthy people do.
6. Community is insanely important because of #5.
7. You're never going to be perfect, so you might as well take some risks.

I can't share any of my awesome stories yet because of HIPAA stuff, but I have some awesome stories.  I have fallen in love with ministry.  I have fallen in love with caring for people.  I have fallen in love with the helplessness of crises.  I have fallen in love with what God is doing through the people here at the hospital and through me.

I'm still learning and I'm still pretty much scared to death, but I'm here.  I'm in it and I'm not hating it.  Actually half of me wants to recommend it to everyone who plans to care for another human being anytime during their life.  Half of me wants to run away from trauma pages and Code Blue's and half of me wants to run toward the families with open arms and an open heart.

I'm torn and broken and so in love.

Five Answers for This Guy

There was an article posted on The Gospel Coalition yesterday. And it made me erupt on the floor of my apartment. My first issue with the article is the length of the title. Seriously, people. If you're going to sort of pretend to be a blogger or journalist, learn how to cut down your title. Go read this thing then if you're not throwing up, come on back here and let me answer those questions for him.

Let me put a few things on the floor:

I'm one of those Christians. (Actually most of the time I don't even like it when people call me a Christian because I'm afraid they might put me in the same box as that guy who wrote that article. And Lord have mercy if people think I'm like that.) I'm one of those Christians that supports equality. Period. Marriage equality, gender equality, pay equality, ethnic equality. I just think equality is groovy. And at the heart of Christianity.

If you're using the Old Testament to defend yourself in your bigotry against homosexuality, I'll argue this: "the Bible is the cradle wherein Christ is held" (Martin Luther). Anything in the Bible that goes against the teaching of Christ (who is the Word), is simply invalid or misinterpreted.  Yeah I actually believe that. 

If you're using Paul to defend yourself in your bigotry against homosexuality, I'll share this: Paul was kind of a jerk. Also, he was writing to first century converted Christians- not middle-class American Christians in 2014. So don't take every single thing he said as the cold hard truth. Just chill out a bit. Start quoting Jesus a little more than you quote Paul and then maybe I'll take you seriously. 

But I digress; let me get down to answering these questions.

1. On what basis do you still insist that marriage must be monogamous?

Biblically, I don't really have an issue with people having multiple spouses. In the United States, however, we have laws that won't let us have multiple wives/husbands (darn).  As a Lutheran in the ELCA, my denomination does indeed state it must be a monogamous relationship in order to be recognized by the church.  Culturally (and historically in the US), people enter into marriage with one person and not multiple persons.  

So I guess my answer is, as a Christian speaking not for my denomination but for myself and my own convictions: I don't insist that marriage must be monogamous. Need citations about when polygamous relationships worked out alright in the Bible? Genesis 4, 1 Kings 11, Abram sleeping with Hagar... 

And to the comment about sons and daughters and essentially incest?  He cites medical information later, but ignores it here. Products of incest are more likely to be born with disabilities or medical problems. Plus, it's a law in the US (mostly for this reason). 

2. Will you maintain the same biblical sexual ethic in the church now that you think the church should solemnize gay marriages?

Uh, yeah. When gay marriages fall apart, we will mourn as a congregation for that loss.  I still think sex before marriage is something to be taken seriously.  Do we insist on life-long committed monogamous relationships with heterosexual couples?  Are we just as completely appalled when a pastor has an affair with another woman? Well yeah. Because there's commitment and fidelity there.  And when you break that commitment and trust, you're hurting everyone.  If a gay couple is struggling with fidelity and the family is being hurt by it, then I would handle it the exact same way as if it was a heterosexual couple. 

3. Are you prepared to say moms and dads are interchangeable?

What? We are supportive of single moms, single dads, divorced parents. Actually we are probably more supportive as a church of these groups than "happily married with 3 kids mom and pop."  Why in God's name wouldn't we be supportive of two people who love one another and want to raise a child together? My church and religious community is very much into it taking a village to raise a child. This argument is completely invalid. Sometimes my parents interchange their usual gender roles. Does that mean I'm deprived of something? Hardly. And let's face it, no matter how you raise your kid, there's a really good chance they'll need counseling in their mid-twenties anyway. 

4. What will you say about anal intercourse?

Um, nothing. Are pastors actually preaching about anal intercourse? Because I'd love to hear that sermon spun into the good news of Jesus Christ. I don't preach about other things that cause health problems either (smoking, drinking, obesity, microwaves), so why would I preach about that? Plus the fact that heterosexual couples are just as able to have anal intercourse as homosexual couples and no one has said that in all this time. If someone were to ask my "Christian opinion" on it, I'd tell them that my body is a gift from God (as is my sexuality) and I plan to treat it as such and I hope other people treat their bodies the same way. 

5. How have all Christians at all times and in all places interpreted the Bible so wrongly for so long?

To quote my good seminarian friend, "because we were dead on with that slavery thing too." Is this a serious part of the argument? Because it kind of seems like a joke. People also spent a zillion years interpreting the Bible as literal truth. We know now that that is not a great way to interpret the whole Bible. Well, okay, most of us know that. 

"The church has been of one mind on this issue for nearly two millennia. Are you prepared to jeopardize the catholicity of the church and convince yourself that everyone misunderstood the Bible until the 1960s?"

Uh, yup. That's pretty much exactly what I'm prepared to do. 

18 Ugly Truths about Modern Dating

I am a sad, desperate browser  of Thought Catalog. I'm not ashamed. (I'm a little ashamed.) And I particularly love the relationship lists the writers seem to be obsessed with. What can I say? I'm a young woman of the 21st century. Give me all of the opinions on relationships you're willing to share! I eat that crap up.

Recently, there was a post (list) titled, "18 Ugly Truths about Modern Dating That You Have to Deal With."  Ignoring the fact that that title is far too long for an 800 word blog post, I'm having some issues with what is presented.

Go read the blog then come back here. Or open up a new window. I think I'd break some plagiarism rules if I copy and pasted it here. I'll be commentating because relationships are important and I hate it when people think they have to be all drama and movies to be real. Or that "modern day relationships" must be something "different" than what they used to be.

Preface: Let me define "relationship." I think the Thought Catalog author and I would disagree on this point. To me, a relationship means more than "hanging out" or "talking" as the middle schoolers like to put it. You're not in a relationship unless there's a clear understanding and acceptance of it from BOTH parties. And there's some sort of commitment like not dating other people at the same time. When did "dating" become a vague taboo word?

With that said, if you're cool with "hooking up" and being "friends with benefits" then by all means, do that. But don't pretend it's a real relationship with commitment from both sides. So if you're not into "real relationships" then this post isn't really addressed to you. The one on Thought Catalog probably is.

1. Relationships - real relationships - are not about power. They are about love, which is WAY better than "power"... whatever "power" in a relationship means... You should be outdoing each other in love, not trying to pretend you care less. What kind of relationship is that anyway?

2. And if your partner thinks they are more powerful because they care less about the relationship than you and starts playing power cards on you, then get out. I was in a relationship that played a lot of power games and it ended badly.

3. There is still this thing called "honesty" in relationships. If you can't be honest and say, "hey, I like you," and have the other person respect you for it, then boo on them. 

4. Making phone calls might be dying. It's not the "normal" thing to do anymore. Whatever. You know what else isn't "cool" or "normal?" Asking the person if you can kiss them or call them. Letters. Notes left by your bedside. Flowers for no reason. There's still people out there that will do those things for you. I promise. And you deserve it. 

5. Set plans are dead? What? What happened to calendars and schedules? And commitment. If someone isn't willing to commit to you in a relationship and you want commitment, stop kidding yourself - it's not a real relationship you want to be in. 

6. They used the word karma. Enough said. 

7. Romantic is in the eye of the beholder/receiver, yes. I can mostly agree with this. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try. I've been creepy before. I'm still friends with most of the people I creeped out. 

8. Are we talking about real relationships here? "Wanna hang out?" typically means "I have a lot of homework and want to put it off for several hours, can we snuggle and watch Netflix until I fall asleep?" And no, that doesn't mean "hooking up." 

9. Not everyone is a terrible person. However, there are definitely people who just want to hook up. That's why commitment is vital, especially when sex is involved. Sex shouldn't be something you throw around casually to your friends if you are looking for a committed relationship. 

10. This is probably true. If your person is lying about little things like that, then they are probably lying about other things. Also, that text that "wasn't supposed to go to you" and "was a joke" with someone else is probably as suspicious as you think it is. I learned this the hard way. Call the person out. 

11. If someone is afraid of commitment and you are totally into commitment, there's some unevenness in the relationship. It's probably not that he/she is afraid of commitment, but afraid of commitment with you. I learned this one the hard way too. 

12. Social media doesn't increase the chances of people cheating. Social media makes it easier. The chance that someone cheats is directly related to how much they love you. A person who loves you would never hurt you like that. 

13. "Attractive people menu?" What? I can't even... 

14. I'm into being friends with someone first. I know, I know - then you're in the friend zone or they start dating someone else. I get that. But sometimes it works out and you have already seen their crazy, manic, geeky, late-night, hangry, and adorkable side by the time you date them. And that's especially awesome because then you get to see their romantic, loving, best friend side AND you get to kiss them. Win-win. 

15. Sometimes you get to stay friends with them. That's a pretty cool option. 

16. I love subtweeting as much as the next person, but unless you (and your person) are able to directly let you know how many feels they have for you, it's probably not going to work out. Social media nuances do not a relationship make. 

17. Your real friends won't hurt you. Also, there shouldn't be any fear of people trying to "steal" your person. If he/she is committed to you, there will barely be a half second to look at anyone else. Sure, girls might moon over how he plays guitar or his beautiful blue eyes, but don't worry - he's not going anywhere. 

18. If someone dumps you via text/IM/Facebook/anything but face-to-face - you don't want to be with them anyway. Good riddance. 

My Restlessness

Restless (adj.) - unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart; unceasingly active; averse to quiet or inaction, as persons.

I think my restlessness started when I was very young. We moved around a lot when I was a child and once you are accustomed to something for 14 years, it becomes a part of who you are. Every two years (sometimes sooner) I feel a type of tugging- a want for less routine, more spontaneity, something new, a purging of all that is old.

My restlessness has led me to do some silly things. I begged my mom to redecorate my bedroom while I was in high school because we had no plans of moving. When I was in college I cut off all of my hair in the quest for something new and different. Sometimes I try out a new style of clothing for a while. It's like a midlife crisis every two years.

My restlessness has also led me to do some other mildly crazier things. Like draining my bank account on a ticket to Hawaii for ten days. And writing an entrance essay for seminary.

Sometimes it's a combination of restlessness, anger, sorrow, the need for freedom - the realization of something small - for me to do the big things that need to be done. Breaking off an engagement. Ending a relationship of almost five years.

I'm afraid my restlessness will leave me alone in this life. If not alone, it certainly has the potential to leave me lonely. In my need for change, I pick everything up and move. I leave the people I love in the search for something to stop my restlessness.

I used to be afraid I would never find the cure to my restlessness.

Then I went to Honduras.

Honduras seemed to settle me. I never felt more physically healthy than when I was in Honduras. Even the things you'd expect from international travel (exhaustion, stomach issues, soreness from more physical work I'm used to) didn't bother me at all.  I have had neck and shoulder issues from being a student for 17 years and sleeping on a thin mat on a concrete floor didn't leave me aching in the morning.

I also couldn't have been happier than I was in Honduras.  I missed talking to my parents and friends, sure; but I don't think I've ever laughed for ten days straight and I was filled with so much joy while I was there.

I felt filled with the Holy Spirit on a moment to moment basis in a way I've never felt before. I could see God in every child's face and every evening worship service.  I felt God's touch every time a six year old held my hand and in the mornings when the weigh of the mist in the mountains was heavy.

I wasn't restless there.

It took me about 4 hours in the country before I felt as if I belonged there. I've never felt so at home. We had something to do every single day and there was a new adventure around the corner of every dirt road. If I ever got bored in Honduras, I was doing something wrong.  There were endless things for me to learn there.

I miss it every day.

I'm no longer afraid that I will never find a cure for my restlessness. I know that God will lead me back to a place like Honduras. I feel the workings of that every day as I sit in class and as I talk to professors and pastors about international mission.

But it's really hard to wait. I'm doing everything I can to convince myself to stay in seminary and finish my degree. But it's so hard when I'm restless here. Especially restless here. I'm comfortable here and I hate being comfortable.

I long for poverty and adventure and challenge and love. I long for the faces of children and laughter surrounding me every day. And I don't know what that means for my future or where I'll be in the world, but I know I won't settle until my life is consumed by it.

Crying.

Sometimes I cry. 

I cry a lot. 

I cry when I'm sad and I cry when I'm happy. Sometimes I cry when I think of you and how far away you are. I cry when I think of all the things I should have done. And I cry when I think of all the things I still have to overcome. Sometimes I cry for no reason at all. But mostly, I cry when I pray.

I don't pray just anywhere. And I try not to cry just anywhere either. My favorite places to pray are very simple. I love to pray in nature- when I feel God's presence around me in the beautiful things I can see and feel. And I love to pray in an empty sanctuary. When I was still in high school, I would sometimes walk out into the woods behind my house if it was a nice day and I would take in everything- the smells, the sounds, the sun glistening off the pond. I would run my hand over tree trunks and feel dirt run through my fingers. I felt at home there. And I had conversations with God. I felt like Adam in the garden before the fall, like God was right there walking beside me. After these walks I would almost always feel refreshed and ready to move on to the next part of my busy life. I sometimes felt that I had a whole new meaning and goal I was working toward when I emerged from the woods. It felt wonderful. 

I have only ever prayed in an empty sanctuary twice. Once, I was cleaning for my old church in Virginia and no one was in the church except for me. I knew it would be safe to go to the alter and kneel at the cross. No one would see me there. There is something about being in a silent church at an unusual time. That day, it was around 5pm and the light streaming in from the stain glass windows was indescribable. Seeing that was enough to make me feel the Holy Spirit. But I kneeled down at the alter and I cried. I cried and I prayed and I put my hands on the alter and let my tears fall to the floor. I had never prayed like that before. I had this feeling that God was really listening to me in that church that evening. It is hard to say why or try to describe the feeling, but I felt as if every word I spoke was delivered up to Him by angels.

The second time I cried in an empty church was in Ohio. My grandfather's church has a beautiful stained glass window above the alter and right around 3pm, the sunlight streams in like God opening the heavens. It is breathtaking. I don't remember why I had gone to the church that day or why I had my grandmother's key to the church, but I went inside quietly as to creep around the cleaning lady. I didn't go in with the intention of praying, but after seeing how beautiful it was, something moved inside me and I had to kneel at the railing. I wept for everything that afternoon. Things I don't even remember and things I am trying to forget. I wept for 45 minutes at the railing and wept as I drove myself home. I cannot describe how liberating it was. Sometimes I just need to cry. 

There is something that comes over me sometimes. I don't know what it is or how to describe it. I'm not sad or frightened. Sometimes when I cry I hate it because I don't understand it at all. But I think I understand why I cry when I pray. 

I am so overwhelmed with relief. At first I am grieving. I am grieving the fact that I will never be good enough. I can never pray long enough. I can never love God enough. I will never be as good as I should be for Him. And He knows it. He knew it before I was ever born- before I was even a thought in my parents' minds.  He knew everything about me and the struggles that I would go through and the thoughts that would race through my head every night before I go to sleep. 

He has felt my pain and knows my sorrows and knows why I cry. He understands everything that is inside me. Yet he lets me cry. He encourages me to cry. And He cries with me. He leads me down a path so that I may love Him more and more every single day of my life. And I try. I try so hard to live my life in a way that He would be proud of. But I know I cannot be good enough for Him. I will never be good enough to deserve what He has already given me. That is why I cry. 

But then my sorrow and self-pity turns to relief. Like a barber turning his sign from “Open” to “Close” at six o'clock every night. My emotion turns so quickly. I weep with relief. I remember- He reminds me- that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be good enough for Him. Because He loves me anyway. In spite of my sin- because of my humanity- He loves me. 

He loves me so much that He gave His only Son to die for my sins. My sins! I have so many! I surely don't deserve to have someone be crucified on a cross for my sins! Let alone the Son of God! But I don't deserve it. That is what makes me cry. I am so unworthy of His powerful and everlasting love. Yet, He calls me back when I stray, saying, “Please, I am not done with you. I want to love you more and give you more and be here forever and ever for you.” But I do stray. And I do wander. And when I do, He never loses sight of me and is always waiting for me with open arms to welcome me back into His presence. 

And I cry. Because I realize that I have not been living the way He wants me to live. He is calling me to His table every single day, every hour, every moment, saying, “Come, eat this bread and you will not hunger. Drink this wine and you will not thirst. This is my feast that I have prepared for you. Come eat with me at my table.” He is so quick to invite me to sit with Him. As if I am worthy! But instead of taking His gift, His generosity, His love, I am hiding underneath the table in my guilt and sorrows. 

He knows I cannot always be good and I cannot always be right. But I am called to love the people that are hardest to love. I am called to recognize that everyone makes mistakes and I am called to forgive those mistakes. Every single time. The Lord loves me so much, without measure, and without reason. He loves me every single day in a way that is so completely unimaginable that it makes me cry. 

And I am supposed to love everyone around me with that same type of love. Because of God's love, I am to love others. And I am trying. I may not always be right and I may not always be strong, but I know that God forgives me until the day that I die. I do not have to be right on my own. He is there for me. And I will never have to be strong- for He will always be there with me. Because of Him, I am able to conquer all evil. And through Him, I am able to love all of God and all of His people. 

Undergrad vs Seminary

Allow me to be weird for a few minutes and post about something that has been on my mind lately. I'm not sure why, but it's there.

Ways in which undergrad did not prepare me for seminary:

We live where we study.

I have to walk about 500 steps to get to the library. It's even less to get to the building with all the classrooms in it. I cannot get away from this place. I can always find someone that is in almost all of my classes if I have a question about a project or assignment.  We are almost all fighting the exact same battles.  I'm not used to that. I have the phone number of about 75% of the people on campus.

Our professors are a part of every aspect of our life.

The following is a real conversation I had with the associate dean of our school.  She was walking her dog near the apartments (where she lives during the week) on a Wednesday.  I was walking to a friend's apartment from the dorm with a bottle of wine and wine glass in my hand.

Dr. B: Hi Sarah.
Me: Hi Dr. B
Dr. B: I hope you have that paper done for class.
Me: Um yup...
Dr. B: Enjoy your evening with your wine.

They know everything we do all the time and it's weird.  In undergrad we could separate the "professional" student from the "typical college" student because our professors weren't around to see our walk of shame or day drinking. Not so much anymore. I'm not saying this is a bad thing.  We should be the same people behind closed door as we are in the pulpit.  But let's be honest, we aren't.

Everyone knows your business.

People say that seminary is like a fish bowl.  There are lots of people looking in at your every move from every different angle. Your home church. Your field education church. The staff. People at the grocery store when you're wearing your cleric. People on Facebook. Family friends. Your parent's coworkers. Everyone all of a sudden thinks you are either A) not fit to be a pastor because of your past or B) expected to be better than everyone else at being holy or human. Or both. No one cared about how much I prayed when I was a political science undergraduate student.  They didn't ask how I was maintaining my spirituality or how I would balance my social and life when I was in my vocation.

I actually like what I'm studying.

In undergrad, you basically had to bribe me with promises of a test the next day to get me to do reading assignments or research a topic on environmental politics or political parties.  I realize now that I was probably in the wrong field because I know plenty of people in undergrad that actually love what they study. Well, that wasn't me.  Now that I'm in graduate school, people have to invite me out so I'll stop reading for my Gospels class. I have to tell myself to go to bed before 2am because I have fallen in love with a new author. Reading for class has actually made me want to read more, not less. I want to talk about theology and God and Jesus all the time. It's such a good feeling but it is also really weird and I think I'm getting boring.

Praying is a normal part of study.

We pray before all of our classes which is awesome.  Sometimes I'll walk out of my dorm room for a break and see my dormmates gathered around one another praying silently and aloud. Everything we do here is solidified and realized through prayer and communion with one another. I wasn't prepared for that. Most of my studying during undergrad involved getting as much done before my roommate and I could start drinking around 8pm.

What I'm studying has everything to do with everything.

There is nothing in my life that doesn't relate to what I am studying in seminary. I think about my friendships and my parents and my goals. Everything revolves around God. Everything we do here is about the promotion of the Kingdom. I don't even know how to separate my "real life" from my "student life" anymore. Everything is woven together because of God.

Love.

I've had this video saved for a few months now. I watched it once. I don't remember where I first found it. Then I watched it six times after that. The "script" is written out below.

I heard that God wears a white hood and burns crosses.
I heard that God sold kool-aid to Jim Jones.
I heard that DOMA was written in his handwriting.
I heard that God seeks revenge through natural disaster.
I heard that God watches torture in his inquisitions.
I heard that God fashioned Matthew Shepherd into a crucifix.
I heard that God protests at funerals.
I heard heaven's gates were built to keep me out. 

That God's word forces secrets into my back pockets.
Leviticus 18:22 and men I cannot call my lovers
In wooden pews, that I am unholy.
Demonized
Heretic
That'll I'll end up in October crucifixion.
A rusted fence of sin
They say that God can soundproof his ears to fags
That he never meant to create.  

They say that God has abandoned me.
For never coming to wrathful sermons
That called me a bastard, orphan, sinner
I heard heaven is built on faith alone
Half baked apologies fed to God's willing eardrum
Blackened keys to heaven's gates
A white robe for even the bloodiest of hands
I heard God's forgiveness is just permission to be vengeful
That all it takes to be a good Christian is to call yourself one
Slit throats, then pray, ask for forgiveness after
Given your wings just for asking 

I heard God can't help me
My heart is hemophilic.
I bleed out scarlet lettered sins
I heard that God spoils his children
Never punishes their bad behavior
Always accepts their apologies because he can't bother to listen
God is too busy to open my prayers
God is always busy  

He wishes I could fix everything myself
They tell me he would leave me entirely
If I wasn't a white Christian girl in America
They say that he is worried about his image
To those who fund his paycheck
Heaven seems so expensive
Why can't God tell me these things himself? 

Tell your God that I mention him in my prayers
Tell him I miss him
That I know it's not his fault
It's just that he hung out with people like you for too long
Tell him I carry the faith of a gospel choir in my chest
Tell him I have not turned my prayers into chalk lines 

Tell your God that he is my God too
That I want him back
Tell him to show you my blueprints
How he created us both
Tell him to remind you that I am beautiful too
Tell him I've read the Bible
I know of love.
It is diverse, thousands of flowers
I've seen it in the shape of an orchid
Blooming inside my chest
Until the day it was ready to come out 

Tell your God he did something right
I grew up to be a lover
Tell your God
I've seen him officiate more weddings than funerals
Tell him that we are all imperfect
And thank him for it
Tell him he's a great father
Even in absence
That his children feel safe in his arms
That the sun rises for him
Her
You
Us
That I can feel his warmth on my back
Tell him I don't believe the rumors.
Tell your God: I forgive him. 

I just watched this video again (8 times). And I am completely heartbroken.

I know those feelings. I have been told that I need a "good influence" in my life because "God doesn't want to listen to sinners." Good friends of mine have been told that God didn't mean to create them. Others have been told that the bad things happening in their lives were a punishment from God for their sins. One of my best friends is told that they way God created her is an abomination.

Who told us these things?

People who call themselves Christians.
People who wear the cross proudly. Like a badge.
People who go to Christian colleges.
People who have read the Bible cover to cover.

People who don't understand the Gospel.
People who reshape Jesus' teachings to fit their prejudices.
People who don't understand God's love and forgiveness.

People who call themselves Christians.

People like me.

In my introduction to theological thinking class (and I think the middler's theology class) spent a lot of time talking about what it means to be a "real Christian." Yeah, I know. I don't know what that means either. But I have a pretty good idea that if we were all acting like "real Christians" - ones that love and follow Jesus and his teachings - people wouldn't look so critically at us.

Instead we judge and push and hate.
We do everything that Christians aren't supposed to do.

I'm really starting to hate Christians. (See? I do it too... ugh.)

So what in the hell are we supposed to do? How are we supposed to be better Christians?

Love. Love love love.

Seriously. It's that easy. And it's that freakin' hard.

A Million Different Pieces

I spent ten days of January in Honduras. Everyone has asked, "What was your favorite part?"

Easiest question in the world.

The kids.


We spent six days in Santa Cruz- a small village of about 120 people perched on the side of a mountain.  It was on the side of this mountain that I fell in love at least a half a dozen times.

Toya. Maria. Margarita. René. Nelson. Cecilia. Mariven. Belkis. Karin.


I wish I could have taken them all home with me. I was absolutely torn in half to leave them. There is nothing I wouldn't give to be sitting on the front porch of the school, giggling with the girls and waiting for them to tickle me and whisper silly Spanish things to me every time I looked the other way. I'd give everything to see Nelson smiling at me before breakfast in the morning. I can't describe how much I wish I could see René's silly smile after he pokes me during worship service.

Everything was amazing in Honduras. We couldn't have asked for better weather, we were in the most beautiful mountains I've ever seen in my life, we ate incredibly good food. Serving people in the clinic was really awesome. Watching the men redo everything Aly and I contributed while doing construction was hilarious.

But nothing compares to the kids. Their joy and smiles and laughter have split my heart into a million different pieces. Even Jesus is going to have a hard time putting me back together this time.

Why it hurt so bad was hard to put my finger on at the time. It had everything and more to do with the fact that I just adore children, plain and simple. I'd start adopting them now if that was legal (or logical), but the adoption laws in Honduras prevent me from adopting children until I am 25 years old (yes, I researched this).

But the other part of me knew there was something different about these kids.  I am heartbroken over the fact that Cecilia should be having sleepovers and being silly at 14 years old instead of taking care of her three younger siblings, cooking for her family, and realizing she only has a few more years until she will be married and raising her own children.

I am heartbroken over the fact that Mariven was the only person around to care for her almost deaf and blind grandmother. She will never have a normal childhood. She is only eight years old.

I am heartbroken because many of the young boys who should be playing soccer all day long are working in the fields owned by wealthy men. Spraying vegetables with pesticides that are likely to kill them or give them chronic health problems by the time they are forty. Earning about a dollar a day.

I am heartbroken because they haven't named the precious two month old that they brought to the clinic. They would wait to be sure the baby lived a little longer before naming her.

I am heartbroken because I have lived 21 years on this earth without knowing them and loving them. I have lived a comfortable life and it makes me hurt for them. It makes me hurt for the entire world, because this is not the only community or country with such poverty and oppression.  I am heartbroken because my church ignores it.

The same people who call themselves Christians elect corrupt politicians and buy their food from places that use a cushiony version of slave labor. I am that Christian. I am that person that doesn't deserve to be called a Christian.

I haven't been living my life the way Christ wants me to be living my life.
I don't know how to fix it.
I wish I had a good solution.
I know it is not as easy as people wanted it to be.

But I know that it starts with exactly what happened in Honduras. It starts with falling in love with Christ and falling in love with your neighbor.

I just don't know where to go from here.