I'm done with Lent.

I have never suffered through the Lenten season like I did this year.

It wasn't because of what I gave up. I actually forgot about coffee on most days until I was at Jacob's Porch and everyone had a cup in his or her hand.  I've gotten used to fasting throughout the past few months.

Maybe it's because I'm older. But I think it is more because God was actively changing my heart during this time.

I am so ready to rejoice in the empty tomb.  I am so ready to shout "Alleluia!" and "Jesus is risen!"

Why?

Because I've been mourning the entire season of Lent. And honestly, I'm tired of it. I've been meditating on what it means for Christ to die for our sins. To die a sinner and criminal for things He never even did. And I hate it. I hate that He had to die for me. I wish I could change it.

But at the same time I know I wouldn't.

As hurt as I have felt through Lent this year, I know that it is only a brief moment of grief before Jesus is risen from the grave.  I know that the tomb is empty.  And I rejoice so much in that.

But I can fully rejoice at the empty tomb only because I have been mourning at the foot of the cross for a month and a half. It has felt so heavy - heavier than it has ever felt in my life.

But after three days He rose again...

So on Sunday we can shout, " Alleluia! He is Risen!"

Painfully Uncomfortable.

One of my good friends shared this with our church at Bible Study one night. Thank you for completely ruining me for the ordinary...


Peter Rollins shares his parable The Last Supper with commentary as we prepare for Holy Week services.


It is evening, and you are gathered together with the other disciples in a small room for Passover. All the time you are watching Jesus, while he sits quietly in the shadows listening to the idle chatter, watching over those who sit around him, and, from time to time, telling stories about the kingdom of God.

As night descends, a meal of bread and wine is brought into the room. It is only at this moment that Jesus sits forward so that the shadows no longer cover his face. He quietly brings the conversation to an end by capturing each one with his intense gaze. Then he begins to speak:

“My friends, take this bread, for it is my very body, broken for you.”

Every eye is fixed on the bread that is laid on the table. While these words seem obscure and unintelligible, everyone picks up on their gravity.

Then Jesus carefully pours wine into the cup of each disciple until it overflows onto the table.

“Take this wine and drink of it, for it is my very blood, shed for you.”

With these words an ominous shadow seems to descend upon the room – a chilling darkness that makes everyone shudder uneasily. Jesus continues:

“As you do this, remember me.”

Most of the gathered disciples begin to slowly eat the bread and drink the wine, lost in their thoughts. You, however, cannot bring yourself to lift your hand at all, for his words have cut into your soul like a knife.

Jesus does not fail to notice your hesitation and approaches, lifting up your head with his hand so that your eyes are level with his. Your eyes meet for only a moment, but before you are able to turn away, you are caught up in a terrifying revelation. At that instant you experience the loneliness, the pain, and sorrow that Jesus is carrying. You see nails being driven through skin and bone; you hear the crowds jeering and the cries of pain as iron cuts against flesh. At that moment you see the sweat that flows from Jesus like blood, and experience the suffocation, madness, and pain that will soon envelop him. More than all of this, however, you feel a trace of the separation he will soon feel in his own being.

In that little room, which occupies no significant space in the universe, you have caught a glimpse of a divine vision that should never have been disclosed. Yet it is indelibly etched into the eyes of Christ for anyone brave enough to look.

You turn to leave – to run from that place. You long for death to wrap around you. But Jesus grips you with his gaze and smiles compassionately. Then he holds you tight in his arms like no one has held you before. He understands that the weight you now carry is so great that it would have been better had you never been born. After a few moments, he releases his embrace and lifts the wine that sits before you, whispering,

“Take this wine, my dear friend, and drink it up, for it is my very blood, and it is shed for you.”

All this makes you feel painfully uncomfortable, and so you shift in your chair and fumble in your pocket, all the time distracted by the silver that weights heavy in your pouch.

Commentary from Peter Rollins:

This reflection was on outworking of my first interaction with the enigmatic figure of Judas. Here I wanted to play with our tendency to identify with the favorable characters in the Bible. For instance, when reading about the self-righteous Pharisee and the humble tax collector, we find it all too easy to condemn the first and praise the second without asking whether our own actions are closer to the one we have rejected than the one we praise.

Judas is here a symbol of all our failures, and Christ’s action to demonstrate his unconditional acceptance. Judas helps to remind us of Christ’s message that he came for the sick rather than the healthy, and that he loves and accepts us as we are.

"Youth Group"

Call me progressive, but I have an edgy view on youth groups in churches.

Here, let me first define "youth group" for you if you didn't grow up with one of these fancy things in your church.  A youth group is a (you got it!) group of young people that come together, usually on Sunday nights, to talk about God, play games, and sometimes serve in the community.  Some youth groups are divided between senior high school (10-12th grade) and junior high school (7-9th grade).  I'm definitely a fan of dividing it that way, so we are going to assume from now on, I'm talking about the senior high youth kids.  

This age group (let's say it's about 16 through 18 year olds) is what I would call "young adults."  Maybe I'm giving them a bit too much credit. Whatever.

When I was in high school (three years ago), I wanted to be treated with respect. I'm guessing not a whole lot has changed.  Students from 16 to 18 aren't stupid. They're starting to get into things like alcohol, parties, people of the opposite sex. Boys no longer have cooties and girls are suddenly a bit more attractive.  

Dear parents, 

Whether or not your child actually partakes in things such as drugs, alcohol, sex, parties and other "high school" activities, is irrelevant. You can flip to a different page if you think your children are completely innocent and wouldn't even LOOK at a beer. But the point is, they won't always be under your roof and they will ALWAYS have temptations by peers, no matter how holy they are. Your children are not living in a bubble.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer. I'm being realistic. Young people start to get into some pretty scary stuff in high school. Even if they don't "get into it," you better believe they have seen it happening around them. 

So what does this have to do with youth group?

I believe that the church has place in the middle of all of this sinful living. We have to, right? If we didn't, we couldn't really be pursuing the Kingdom of God.

This is where I think youth groups should step in and be a compliment to the parents. We aren't here to raise your kids, don't get me wrong. But I think youth group should be a place that is open for questions (hard questions) about faith, growing up, and God.

I think it is important to equip young people with theological knowledge as well as let them form their own faith understandings throughout high school.  That way, once they are thrust out into the "real world" (read: college), they will know what's going on. Instead of ignoring real issues that they are facing now or will definitely be facing in the next few years (drugs, alcohol, sex, violence, homosexuality, poverty), youth groups have the opportunity to confront them early and help young people understand what the Church believes and help them develop their own beliefs.

Maybe I'm an exception, but when I was in high school I had a lot of questions that a) my friends didn't know the answers to, b) I would be too embarrassed to ask my friends anyway, c) I didn't feel comfortable asking my parents, or d) I didn't feel my youth group would be an appropriate place to ask them even though they were about faith! 

Things like:
"Why is having sex before marriage such a HUGE deal?"
"Why does the Church have this big problem with homosexuals?"
"What actually counts as 'having sex' according to the Bible...?"
"If you're raped and get pregnant, do you HAVE to keep the baby? What would God say about abortion in that case? Is it any different?"

Maybe other youth groups are different, but if I ever lead a youth group, we would be battling these things, questions and ideas weekly to equip our young people for the sinful world they are rapidly approaching and already living in.

Was your youth group different?
How would you have changed the youth group you grew up with?
Is my theory completely off?

I'd love to hear feedback on this one :) 

Ticked Off

Let me preface life by saying that I am in love with this song. If you haven't noticed by various other posts, I mostly enjoy my feelings through songs and song lyrics. Kacey Musgraves is releasing her first album on March 19th and I will shameless plug her until then. Because I think she is fantastic. And a good person. And being a good person is important. With that, continue to read on...

I'm really ticked off at humanity.

And I'm only saying "ticked off" because using anything stronger would be inappropriate for a semi-Christian blog. (Even though you better believe that I'm thinking it!)

Does anyone else get like this sometimes? All the time? Do people just get really under your skin?

Is it because we have this book that contains all of the wonderful things that Jesus did? Is the Bible the cause of our grief with humanity? Or is it our own humanity that really ticks us off about other people?

I don't really have an answer for the sources of my mood, except something that keeps happening in my life and the lives of thousands, if not millions, of other people on a daily basis.

I don't understand racism.

In fact, it took me three tries to even spell racism before I got it right. I don't see color. Similarly, something else I don't understand is prejudice of any sort. I don't see sexuality. I don't see intelligence. I don't see the job you have or the clothes you wear. I don't see your taste of music or where you used to live.

And I certainly don't love that way.

But I'm not perfect. (We already talked about this... see two posts below...) Oh, I'm definitely not perfect. Because I see in love. I judge people by how much love they have for humanity (so obviously my self worth is in the pits right now).

I really really dislike people who are racist. Or sexist. Or ageist (It's a real thing, okay?) Or sexuality-ist (I made that one up).

And that's not okay. We are supposed to hate the sin, not the sinner. And I'm sometimes really bad about hating the sinner. Especially when I don't even understand the sin. But I don't claim that my ignorance is a good reason to judge people.

I just think it's really hard to separate the sin from the sinner. I want  to believe that God loves me more than Hitler. And more than the racist people that sneer at my boyfriend and I in the mall. And more than people who hate homosexuals.

But that's just not true.

God loves everyone.

Equally.

And geez, that sucks.

God doesn't see sexuality, age, color, taste in music, background, or even sins that you committed thirty seconds ago. All He is sees is His perfect child because Jesus died and made us perfect.

Perfect.

We are all God's children. That's all He sees. Saved by the grace and mercy from His Son's crucifixion.

When people start realizing that we should love to love because Jesus loves and not because of the color of our skin, how many piercings we have, or whether or not we go to church, then humanity won't look so stupid. And we might look a little bit more like the Kingdom of God.

Perfection

I am terrified about going to seminary.

I went to high school with about 1,400 other people.
I went to undergrad at a university with over 56,300 people.
Some of my classes had about 400 people in the lecture.

Lutheran Theological Southern Seminary (I abbreviate that long name as 'Southern' in every other blog post) has 160 people enrolled right now.

160 people.

Talk about a rude awakening.

I have a few pending fears...

What if no one likes me?
What if I don't like anyone? (Okay, that is almost impossible.)
Rumors are going to fly like wildfire around that place. 
Everyone is going to know who I am, what I believe, who I date, where I'm from, and whether or not I am at church every single Sunday morning. 

I obviously don't have a whole lot of secrets (I am writing a blog, after all...) but even if I wanted to hide something, it would be virtually impossible at a school that small.

I'm a normal person (we are defining "normal" pretty broadly here), but I'm not perfect. I haven't killed anyone, I don't think I have ever stolen anything, and I try really hard not to plagiarize. But I am not perfect. And I hope the people at seminary accept me for who I am. I don't want to be perfect.

I strive to be a giving, loving, encouraging person at least 95% 85-ish% of my days. But I have some major flaws/things-that-are-weird.

I have a pretty foul mouth sometimes. (I'm working on it...) 
I think dirty jokes and sexual innuendoes are hilarious.
A lot of my faith is based on the fact that I just really love the mystery.
I'm a doer - if you start giving me "ideas," I'm going to ask you to demonstrate them.
I was a poli sci major in college. Politics is my thing.
I believe in loving people and forgiving them. And that gets me in trouble.
I have a lot beef with the Church and how "they" run things.
I'm unconventional. And liberal. And conservative. And confused.

What if no one likes me? 

Or worse:

What if no one is like me?

No shame.

"Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame" (Gen 2:25 NLT).

This verse comes right after Eve was made from Adam's rib. They were new, holy, and hadn't eaten the forbidden fruit yet. They walked in the garden with God, seemingly on a regular basis. They were companions with God.

They were not only physically naked at this time, but they were spiritually and emotionally naked as well. They had no shame. Why would they? They had everything in the world that they could want and they had done nothing wrong in the sight of God.

Enter the serpent (aka the devil).

We know how it goes: the serpent tempts the woman with the forbidden fruit, she eats it, and feeds it to her husband (shame, shame). First sin, right?

Is the first sin when Eve takes the fruit and eats it or even before that? I think the first sin was when Eve decided to listen to someone (the serpent) instead of God. The moment we turn our backs to what God has been telling us, we are just asking for trouble.

The chapter continues: "At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the Lord God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the Lord God among the trees" (Gen 3:7-8 NLT).

Suddenly they felt shame? Just physical shame or emotional and spiritual shame as well? I would guess it was a combination of all three. At first, they were completely naked in front of God. They had no shame. But after sinning, they felt so heavy with shame that they needed to hide from God. They wanted to hide their physical bodies as well as their spiritual beings that had been flawed.

At what point in a relationship do you feel good about standing in front of someone completely naked? No matter how confident you are in your appearance, there is a sense of vulnerability that comes with completely (lights on) revealing yourself to someone. It is physical as well as spiritual. It is saying, "I trust you with all of my flaws and scars and brokenness. I want you to see it all."

That is the relationship we need to have with God. It would never have been possible without the death of Jesus Christ. His death tells us that we are made clean in God's sight. Jesus has completely remade us into beautiful creatures that are completely flawless. We are back to being Adam and Eve before the first sin. When they felt absolutely no shame in their nakedness.

No scar or flaw or brokenness could make God turn His eyes away from us when we are naked in front of Him. The key to having a new and open relationship with Him is wanting to get naked in front of Him. And feeling no shame.

At last!

One of the really silly things about my boyfriend Ronnie and I is that we have very different interests. I adore photography, reading, singing, and watching really crappy melo-dramas on ABC Family. He is a history nerd and a lover of all things sports (especially Ohio State football and European soccer).

We often share our hobbies with one another because it is a way to share a part of ourselves with one another. But it's not all that thrilling to listen to him talk about the recruiting class for the Buckeyes. And likewise, he'd rather not watch Pretty Little Liars every week.

But we have found one thing that we have in common. We like reading the Bible together. Furthermore, we love talking about it with one another. And more than that, we adore expressing our love and devotion to God through our questions, prayers, and readings. It brings us together in ways that we never knew were possible.

I mentioned a few posts ago that Ronnie and I have been wading our way through the Old Testament. We had our first discussion on Genesis about a week ago and it is still hanging out in my mind.

In the second chapter of Genesis, at the very end, the author is describing how Eve was formed from the rib of Adam. I really love this imagery. Verse 22 starts after God has put Adam into a deep sleep (God, the first anesthesiologist), "Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. 'At last!' the man exclaimed. 'This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called 'woman,' because she was taken from 'man.''"

Adam exclaimed "At last!" as if he had been waiting his entire life for Eve. For this piece of him to return. For this companion. That is just so beautiful. He had this longing for a piece of him he didn't even know he was missing.

In verse 24 it says, "This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one."

We are a part of one another. I don't think this is exclusive to a certain man and certain woman who is "meant to be together." In my mind, it is so completely encompassing. We could not live alone. We are made from one another and we need one another to continue to create.

This is so beautiful. Think about it: we don't have a choice but to be joined with someone else. It has already happened. Yes, Adam and Eve were man and woman, husband and wife, but does it have to be like that? Can it just be as simple as having a friend that you feel so spiritually close to that it is as if you are one?

The woman that helps with the youth group at my grandfather's church was commenting on PDA in church one day. Our youth group felt that sometimes college kids were too "cuddly" during church and there was a better place to display that than in God's house.

The youth leader said that when she holds her husband's hand during worship, it feels as though they are connected in more than just a physical way. She feels as if they are truly praying together and their spirit is in the same place.

That is beautiful. I think it is our right and our privilege in the Church to find someone that we are so connected to. I think God wants us to find that person. He wants us to be that happy and to find a connection so strong that it is hard to break away even for a moment. Whether it be a friend, leader, or spouse, every person deserves and has a need to feel that connection. It is the way we were made.

And as God said, "It is good."