CPE

CPE stands for Crazy People Emoting.

CPE stands for Creating Proper Empathy.

CPE stands for Crummy Perspectives on Everything.

CPE stands for Cram-Packed Emotions.

CPE stands for Constantly Praying for the Eschaton.

CPE stands for Clinical Pastoral Education.

I'm a chaplain at a hospital here in Columbia for eleven weeks this summer.  CPE is the infamous horror story told by every middler to every incoming junior at seminary.  The tales are tall and sometimes exaggerated.

But when I first started CPE I had all of those stories in my head.  And I was terrified.  I was furious.  I didn't want to be there.  I didn't know what would happen when I started orientation six weeks ago.  I thought about fighting "the man" (who in this case in my candidacy committee and the entire ELCA) and throwing a fit until I didn't have to do CPE.  Because I thought that would work. Ha.

I just thought it was pointless. I had a normal childhood. I have a good relationship with my parents. My brother is weird but functional.  I have good friendships that go back for years.  I'm now in a relationship that is most definitely the most healthy romantic relationship I've ever been a part of.  I didn't need this CPE thing and all the crap that came with it.

I also didn't think I had any authority to walk into someone's hospital room and ask them to share their shit with me.  Who do I think I am that I might make a tiny bit of difference for anyone ever?  Psh. That's some wishful thinking that I'll "touch" someone or that I'd actually benefit from delving into my own shit during group sessions.

But look at me.  The girl who wanted so badly to hate chaplaincy is loving it and constantly talking about it.  Weird.

I learned a few things these past few weeks:

1. No matter how you were raised or what kind of family you come from, it's really nice to talk to someone who is paid to listen to you.
2. If you look for disaster and depressing situations, you're going to find them.
3. If you look for miracles and small joys throughout the day, you're going to find them.
4. Music can pretty much explain any sort of emotion you're feeling at any given moment.
5. "Talking through" things isn't something annoying people do, it's something healthy people do.
6. Community is insanely important because of #5.
7. You're never going to be perfect, so you might as well take some risks.

I can't share any of my awesome stories yet because of HIPAA stuff, but I have some awesome stories.  I have fallen in love with ministry.  I have fallen in love with caring for people.  I have fallen in love with the helplessness of crises.  I have fallen in love with what God is doing through the people here at the hospital and through me.

I'm still learning and I'm still pretty much scared to death, but I'm here.  I'm in it and I'm not hating it.  Actually half of me wants to recommend it to everyone who plans to care for another human being anytime during their life.  Half of me wants to run away from trauma pages and Code Blue's and half of me wants to run toward the families with open arms and an open heart.

I'm torn and broken and so in love.

Five Answers for This Guy

There was an article posted on The Gospel Coalition yesterday. And it made me erupt on the floor of my apartment. My first issue with the article is the length of the title. Seriously, people. If you're going to sort of pretend to be a blogger or journalist, learn how to cut down your title. Go read this thing then if you're not throwing up, come on back here and let me answer those questions for him.

Let me put a few things on the floor:

I'm one of those Christians. (Actually most of the time I don't even like it when people call me a Christian because I'm afraid they might put me in the same box as that guy who wrote that article. And Lord have mercy if people think I'm like that.) I'm one of those Christians that supports equality. Period. Marriage equality, gender equality, pay equality, ethnic equality. I just think equality is groovy. And at the heart of Christianity.

If you're using the Old Testament to defend yourself in your bigotry against homosexuality, I'll argue this: "the Bible is the cradle wherein Christ is held" (Martin Luther). Anything in the Bible that goes against the teaching of Christ (who is the Word), is simply invalid or misinterpreted.  Yeah I actually believe that. 

If you're using Paul to defend yourself in your bigotry against homosexuality, I'll share this: Paul was kind of a jerk. Also, he was writing to first century converted Christians- not middle-class American Christians in 2014. So don't take every single thing he said as the cold hard truth. Just chill out a bit. Start quoting Jesus a little more than you quote Paul and then maybe I'll take you seriously. 

But I digress; let me get down to answering these questions.

1. On what basis do you still insist that marriage must be monogamous?

Biblically, I don't really have an issue with people having multiple spouses. In the United States, however, we have laws that won't let us have multiple wives/husbands (darn).  As a Lutheran in the ELCA, my denomination does indeed state it must be a monogamous relationship in order to be recognized by the church.  Culturally (and historically in the US), people enter into marriage with one person and not multiple persons.  

So I guess my answer is, as a Christian speaking not for my denomination but for myself and my own convictions: I don't insist that marriage must be monogamous. Need citations about when polygamous relationships worked out alright in the Bible? Genesis 4, 1 Kings 11, Abram sleeping with Hagar... 

And to the comment about sons and daughters and essentially incest?  He cites medical information later, but ignores it here. Products of incest are more likely to be born with disabilities or medical problems. Plus, it's a law in the US (mostly for this reason). 

2. Will you maintain the same biblical sexual ethic in the church now that you think the church should solemnize gay marriages?

Uh, yeah. When gay marriages fall apart, we will mourn as a congregation for that loss.  I still think sex before marriage is something to be taken seriously.  Do we insist on life-long committed monogamous relationships with heterosexual couples?  Are we just as completely appalled when a pastor has an affair with another woman? Well yeah. Because there's commitment and fidelity there.  And when you break that commitment and trust, you're hurting everyone.  If a gay couple is struggling with fidelity and the family is being hurt by it, then I would handle it the exact same way as if it was a heterosexual couple. 

3. Are you prepared to say moms and dads are interchangeable?

What? We are supportive of single moms, single dads, divorced parents. Actually we are probably more supportive as a church of these groups than "happily married with 3 kids mom and pop."  Why in God's name wouldn't we be supportive of two people who love one another and want to raise a child together? My church and religious community is very much into it taking a village to raise a child. This argument is completely invalid. Sometimes my parents interchange their usual gender roles. Does that mean I'm deprived of something? Hardly. And let's face it, no matter how you raise your kid, there's a really good chance they'll need counseling in their mid-twenties anyway. 

4. What will you say about anal intercourse?

Um, nothing. Are pastors actually preaching about anal intercourse? Because I'd love to hear that sermon spun into the good news of Jesus Christ. I don't preach about other things that cause health problems either (smoking, drinking, obesity, microwaves), so why would I preach about that? Plus the fact that heterosexual couples are just as able to have anal intercourse as homosexual couples and no one has said that in all this time. If someone were to ask my "Christian opinion" on it, I'd tell them that my body is a gift from God (as is my sexuality) and I plan to treat it as such and I hope other people treat their bodies the same way. 

5. How have all Christians at all times and in all places interpreted the Bible so wrongly for so long?

To quote my good seminarian friend, "because we were dead on with that slavery thing too." Is this a serious part of the argument? Because it kind of seems like a joke. People also spent a zillion years interpreting the Bible as literal truth. We know now that that is not a great way to interpret the whole Bible. Well, okay, most of us know that. 

"The church has been of one mind on this issue for nearly two millennia. Are you prepared to jeopardize the catholicity of the church and convince yourself that everyone misunderstood the Bible until the 1960s?"

Uh, yup. That's pretty much exactly what I'm prepared to do. 

18 Ugly Truths about Modern Dating

I am a sad, desperate browser  of Thought Catalog. I'm not ashamed. (I'm a little ashamed.) And I particularly love the relationship lists the writers seem to be obsessed with. What can I say? I'm a young woman of the 21st century. Give me all of the opinions on relationships you're willing to share! I eat that crap up.

Recently, there was a post (list) titled, "18 Ugly Truths about Modern Dating That You Have to Deal With."  Ignoring the fact that that title is far too long for an 800 word blog post, I'm having some issues with what is presented.

Go read the blog then come back here. Or open up a new window. I think I'd break some plagiarism rules if I copy and pasted it here. I'll be commentating because relationships are important and I hate it when people think they have to be all drama and movies to be real. Or that "modern day relationships" must be something "different" than what they used to be.

Preface: Let me define "relationship." I think the Thought Catalog author and I would disagree on this point. To me, a relationship means more than "hanging out" or "talking" as the middle schoolers like to put it. You're not in a relationship unless there's a clear understanding and acceptance of it from BOTH parties. And there's some sort of commitment like not dating other people at the same time. When did "dating" become a vague taboo word?

With that said, if you're cool with "hooking up" and being "friends with benefits" then by all means, do that. But don't pretend it's a real relationship with commitment from both sides. So if you're not into "real relationships" then this post isn't really addressed to you. The one on Thought Catalog probably is.

1. Relationships - real relationships - are not about power. They are about love, which is WAY better than "power"... whatever "power" in a relationship means... You should be outdoing each other in love, not trying to pretend you care less. What kind of relationship is that anyway?

2. And if your partner thinks they are more powerful because they care less about the relationship than you and starts playing power cards on you, then get out. I was in a relationship that played a lot of power games and it ended badly.

3. There is still this thing called "honesty" in relationships. If you can't be honest and say, "hey, I like you," and have the other person respect you for it, then boo on them. 

4. Making phone calls might be dying. It's not the "normal" thing to do anymore. Whatever. You know what else isn't "cool" or "normal?" Asking the person if you can kiss them or call them. Letters. Notes left by your bedside. Flowers for no reason. There's still people out there that will do those things for you. I promise. And you deserve it. 

5. Set plans are dead? What? What happened to calendars and schedules? And commitment. If someone isn't willing to commit to you in a relationship and you want commitment, stop kidding yourself - it's not a real relationship you want to be in. 

6. They used the word karma. Enough said. 

7. Romantic is in the eye of the beholder/receiver, yes. I can mostly agree with this. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try. I've been creepy before. I'm still friends with most of the people I creeped out. 

8. Are we talking about real relationships here? "Wanna hang out?" typically means "I have a lot of homework and want to put it off for several hours, can we snuggle and watch Netflix until I fall asleep?" And no, that doesn't mean "hooking up." 

9. Not everyone is a terrible person. However, there are definitely people who just want to hook up. That's why commitment is vital, especially when sex is involved. Sex shouldn't be something you throw around casually to your friends if you are looking for a committed relationship. 

10. This is probably true. If your person is lying about little things like that, then they are probably lying about other things. Also, that text that "wasn't supposed to go to you" and "was a joke" with someone else is probably as suspicious as you think it is. I learned this the hard way. Call the person out. 

11. If someone is afraid of commitment and you are totally into commitment, there's some unevenness in the relationship. It's probably not that he/she is afraid of commitment, but afraid of commitment with you. I learned this one the hard way too. 

12. Social media doesn't increase the chances of people cheating. Social media makes it easier. The chance that someone cheats is directly related to how much they love you. A person who loves you would never hurt you like that. 

13. "Attractive people menu?" What? I can't even... 

14. I'm into being friends with someone first. I know, I know - then you're in the friend zone or they start dating someone else. I get that. But sometimes it works out and you have already seen their crazy, manic, geeky, late-night, hangry, and adorkable side by the time you date them. And that's especially awesome because then you get to see their romantic, loving, best friend side AND you get to kiss them. Win-win. 

15. Sometimes you get to stay friends with them. That's a pretty cool option. 

16. I love subtweeting as much as the next person, but unless you (and your person) are able to directly let you know how many feels they have for you, it's probably not going to work out. Social media nuances do not a relationship make. 

17. Your real friends won't hurt you. Also, there shouldn't be any fear of people trying to "steal" your person. If he/she is committed to you, there will barely be a half second to look at anyone else. Sure, girls might moon over how he plays guitar or his beautiful blue eyes, but don't worry - he's not going anywhere. 

18. If someone dumps you via text/IM/Facebook/anything but face-to-face - you don't want to be with them anyway. Good riddance.