The uncovering and practice of gifts

I think I was mostly frustrated and challenged by seminary because all I wanted to do was sit around in people's living rooms with beer (or milkshakes) and talk about Jesus and theology and feminism and sometimes sports. Like, why did we have to take up all this time going to class and (ugh) learning when we could be sitting around professing and prophesying?

Well, probably because most of what we did in the living rooms of classmates was not prophesying at all. We did a lot of things, but basically none of them could be qualified as prophesying. We questioned, argued, debated, sometimes walked out. We complained (a LOT), we proved people wrong (okay, a lot of times, people proved us wrong, too), we "omg did you see this article?" almost weekly. We also spent a lot of time not being theological at all-- whether it was complaining about a classmate or professor, or just complaining about seminary in general, we didn't really do any prophesying. We did, however, drink a lot of beer and milkshakes.

But we did learn in those moments. We learned about pastoral care and what it looked like to be present for one another amidst the nonsense and daily struggle, as well as tragedy and trauma. We learned how to disagree with someone while still loving them (even if we're not so great at demonstrating it). We learned how to listen and how to speak.

And let me tell you, it wasn't easy. It was emotional and it was messy. Like I've mentioned before, I spent most of my first year in seminary sitting with Daniel and legitimately sobbing that my heart was too full and I wasn't good at any of this seminary stuff. I didn't feel like I belonged for most of seminary, actually. I kept up academically, but as full of love my heart was, I struggled to show it. And when I did, I mostly did it in unhealthy or unhelpful ways. So many people in seminary were so kind. So many of them were gentle. I have literally never in my life fit into those two categories. Passionate? Yeah. Compassionate? Ehh, I wasn't that good at showing that particular quality.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm pretty full of myself. And I do think I have most some of the qualities that make a great pastor, friend, or Christian. It's the demonstrating them part that always hangs me up. And maybe that means I don't actually possess those gifts. It's hard to tell, because for the majority of my life, I really didn't think I was given those gifts.

But the more I've learned about myself and uncovered my gifts for ministry, the more I'm convinced that it is not so much that I don't possess those gifts. I think God has given me the gifts of compassion, kindness, charity, love (and, okay, maybe not so much gentleness or patience). Because honestly, I don't think God would have called me so obviously to ministry if God had not given me these gifts. Plus, I can feel these gifts stirring inside me quite often. My heart breaks for the things that break God's heart. I ache and cry out in frustration and distress for the pain in this world. I feel deeply and fully when people experience violence and trauma. So, I know I possess these gifts deep in my bones.

These gifts have just been buried by my other characteristics and qualities for so long, that I've forgotten how to demonstrate them. I haven't practiced them enough for them to come naturally to me. I react with things like sarcasm instead of compassion. I react with passion (being appalled and infuriated by situations) instead of compassion (continuing to listen and care for a person). I spring into action quickly and sometimes carelessly, before considering all aspects or carefully considering. I am often brutally honest with people instead of being kind to them. It's not that these things are inherently bad or wrong, but they do make relationships (and ministry) for me more difficult.

Maybe it's that God gives us gifts that we have to uncover, we have to cultivate. Sure, some people are probably born kind and compassionate (I believe Daniel was, but I'm pretty biased), but others have to be formed and re-formed into living out their gifts in Christ. So that's what seminary has done for me, it has given me the tools and motivation to cultivate those gifts in myself. I'm not done yet, because God in the Spirit will likely be re-shaping me and showing me a new, better way until the day that I die. But it's happening. And it's frustrating and excruciating work (have I told you about how I only like doing things that I'm good at?), but I needed it.

So I guess what I'm saying is that that is why seminary was such a struggle for me, why I often didn't seem like I was happy. Because I felt like I was crawling out of my skin with things I'm not very good at, and learning them from deep within my bones and spirit. And those growing pains hurt.