In Between Moments

One of the questions I sometimes try to reflect on in my own life is, "Where am I experiencing God the most right now?"

The answer to that has changed a lot throughout my life. Obviously I can "find" God in any situation or circumstance if I "look" for Him.  But there have been moments when I wasn't even seeking Him consciously and He has just revealed Himself and made me feel His presence. Moments when I don't find Him, but He finds me. These moments rock my socks off.

So with the knowledge that I can't really conjure God's presence on my own, I look back and try to find a pattern of where I have felt His presence most in the past.

At one point in high school, God came close to me when I was in my backyard walking through the woods.
During college it was mostly when I was spending time with the youth group and I regularly watched God work through them.
Last spring it was at Jacob's Porch when I felt loved by people who had no reason to love me.
This summer it was when I ran in the afternoons as the sun was going down.

I'm feeling a change in things again.

In seminary we worship a lot. I love it. It keeps us centered on why we are here and what God is trying to tell us. We worship four days a week in the chapel at 11:30am. Most days we also have compline (nighttime worship) at 9pm. Almost all of our professors have some sort of devotional or prayer before they start class. Most of us also have some sort of personal devotional or ritual that we perform during the day. We also tend to go to church on Sunday mornings.

We worship a lot. And I love it.

But surprisingly, this isn't where I have been feeling God the most. Even in compline- which is absolutely gorgeous and exactly what I love about a worship service- I don't feel God as much as I feel Him elsewhere at seminary.

God has been finding me in the "in between" moments.

He has been finding me in the mundane conversations with my mom that turn into beautiful affirmations.
He has been finding me sitting on the floor of the old chapel sharing details about my life that I had no intention of sharing with anyone.
He has been finding me in the middle of the prayer labyrinth, not when I'm praying, but when I'm wrestling with theology alongside a friend.
He has been finding me lamenting in the hallway of my dorm while I realize that I am not alone in my struggles.
He has been finding me during midnight conversations with people I've only known for a few weeks.
He has been finding me while listening to music (not hymns, not Christian rock- just really good music) that has been shared with me.
He has been finding me every time a little girl yells my name from across a room, "Saaarwahh!"
He has been finding me in moments when I have stopped doing homework because someone has asked about Jesus and what it is like to be a seminarian.

He has been finding me in every way that I would not expect.

Probably because He's God and that's just kind of what He does- He likes to completely shatter our expectations. But it feels so big and so important. Those "in between" moments are so amazing to me. I think a lot of the time He waits until we aren't expecting it or not seeking Him and then He steps in and says, "Here I am."

Lord, as I am actively searching for You throughout the next week, month, and year, I pray that You continue to reveal Yourself to me in those "in between" moments that feel so divine. I pray that other people experience Your presence and Your love in whatever ways speak to him or her. Thank You for this community and the people who continually support this community. Thank You for Your grace and Your mercy through Jesus Christ, our Savior and Lord. Amen. 

Ιδου!

I've heard a lot of really funny things since I have been on campus:

"It's no wonder pastors seem to be alcoholics. It must start with summer Greek."

"Did you know that clergy have the highest suicide rate of any other vocation? That doesn't surprise me anymore..." (That is actually not accurate according to the data I have found- doctors are most likely to commit suicide.) 

"We are at the point where we can't even speak English correctly anymore... Was that a real sentence?"

"I don't even know what it is like to not think about Greek. A week ago I never thought about Greek. Now it's my life and I don't know what to do about it."

Greek was rough on all of us. 

If you are just catching up with me, I was in an intensive ten-day Greek class. Basically they crammed 117 hours of a whole semester into ten days because they thought it would be funny. 

Greek is a very foreign language. First you have to learn a whole different alphabet from English. Then you have to put those letters together and memorize those combinations into some sort of vocabulary word. Then you completely change the vocabulary word into something that looks nothing like you first learned it and you are supposed to know the case/gender/number/voice/mood for everything. 

No thanks. 

It has pretty much been more work than I did in all of my undergrad in every class combined. And this class is ten days long. Graduate school is real life hard. 

But, as we learn through reading the Bible (in whatever language), the dead end is not actually the end. When we think everything is going wrong and nothing good could ever come out of this, God surprises us. 

SHAZAM! (ιδου!) RESURRECTION!

Greek was heinous. I barely slept and mostly only thought about Greek. But God did something in that time that was so profound and moving that I would do it all over again if I needed to. He brought a miracle out of the mess.

In my first two and a half weeks of seminary, I met more amazing people than I could have ever imagined congregated in one area. I have worshiped more fervently than I have ever thought possible. And I have prayed aloud more frequently than I have ever wanted.

I didn't think I needed anything to convince we that I was in the right place, doing the right thing. But from the minute I went to Pilgrim with Ronnie at 8am for the matins service on Sunday morning, I knew God was up to something. I needed this community and I needed this place in my life and I didn't even realize it. (Thanks, God.)

I can already tell that these (unlike undergrad or high school) are going to be some of the best years of my life. The people are so beautiful here. And it's not only the people here- I have been getting overwhelming support from both of my home churches and my family and friends. I am spoiled and I don't deserve it. It restores what I have always wanted to believe about humanity... God is within us and living among us today.

I am falling in love with Jesus over and over again every single time I meet someone new. And it brings so much joy to my heart. God brought a miracle out of the mess. 

Ruin me for the ordinary

This is the prayer I had taped to my rearview mirror for several months this past year. When it finally flew off while my windows were down, I thought maybe it was a sign that I needed to find a new prayer.

What I didn't realize until later was that this prayer, clearly visible to anyone riding in my car and very obnoxious to anyone who drives it, was pushing me toward constant prayer. I would get in my car, read it, and truly mean it every single day. I wanted God to ruin me. I didn't want to be comfortable anymore. I wanted my heart to be broken.

Well, if you know anything about my life this past year, God has done just that. I was uncomfortable, broken, and completely ruined.

But it was so good.

Now that I am starting seminary I am afraid that it is exactly where I am supposed to be. Why should I be afraid of that? Because I don't want to be comfortable. I need to be able to challenge myself. They won't let me take additional classes (yet) and I am afraid that I am going to have a very light schedule for my first semester.

So I have promised myself that if I am bored or even if I am slightly comfortable, I am going to push myself into uncomfortable and ruining situations.

I want my heart to be broken at injustice and cruelty, poverty and prejudice. I want my heart to break for the things that break God's heart. I know what that means. I know it means I am going to hurt. A lot. And I know that ruining me for the ordinary means that I will never be okay with myself in comfortable situations. I will never want an ordinary life. I know that is going to be challenging. But I am so desperate for Jesus that it doesn't matter anymore.

God isn't supposed to be comfortable to be around. My friend has a theory that, as a fallen humanity, we are not able to be naturally close to God. God is so incredibly good compared to us that we can't even fathom it.  That is why when we do things to be closer to God, whether it is turning the other cheek, forgiving over and over again, meditating, or loving people who we don't feel deserve our love- we are uncomfortable.  It doesn't feel good most of the time. Love hurts. Vulnerability hurts. But that is what brings us closer to God.

I need to keep pushing myself toward God. I don't know what that means yet, but I have a feeling that just knowing that it needs to happen is a step in the right direction.