Lent: Take Two

Most people are pretty familiar with fasting, even if they don't practice it on a regular basis.

There are periods of time when Jewish people are supposed to fast (usually from sun up to sun down), Catholics like to fast from things like meat during Lent. Lutherans pretend they get to choose what to fast from during Lent.

The disciples mostly fasted during religious holidays and festivals (you know, because they were Jewish) and women fasted when they were in a time of mourning.

I don't really know if any other denominations or religious groups make use of fasting during certain periods, so I won't go making anything up.

Anyway, I was thinking about how Ronnie and I fasted for a few weeks more than Lent this past Spring (go us, right?) and how amazing it was to take superfluous things out of our lives and focus on prayer and meditating on the Bible.

Let me in on a little secret: I am happy. I'm doing pretty good right now. I can't really think of things to complain about besides the amount of gas I have to put in my car. I'm doing alright.

Do you know how much harder it is to talk to God when you don't have anything to complain about? It's sad. But it's true. I feel like I go to bed every night think, "well geez, I don't have anything to ask for. And today was pretty much the same as yesterday. So... yeah..."

So mix my really crappy prayers, neglecting to continue our Bible Study, needing to learn Greek, spending way too much money this month, and my Lutheran Guilt... and I've decided to fast for the month of June. 

Now please don't think I'm this pious nun or anything. I'm anything but. I never used fasting as a means to "reset my life on God's tracks" until I read some pretty fantastic books about women who used it in the same or similar ways.  One woman fasted with her husband during the entire time they were in the process of adopting their third and fourth child. Awesome. Another woman fasted (mostly for the book) and in celebration of Jewish holidays and traditions (even though she's Christian). That's pretty cool too.

So I'm fasting.

I'm still trying to figure out what to fast from... most of the time I think about what is hindering me at the time. What is keeping me from God? What do I need less of so that I can give God more?

I'm thinking it's going to be something like this:

1. Absolutely no coffee.
2. No spending money except on gas.
3. No browsing Pinterest.

I also try to make myself DO things instead of just restricting myself from things:

4. Continue Bible Study on Psalms with Ronnie.
5. Start Bible Study on Fruits of the Spirit with Alex.
6. Continue working on Greek translations.
7. Nurture my relationships.

Seven is a pretty holy number. I'll leave it there.

Although I know I'm not challenging myself as much as I should be, I think it will be a good change for the month. Hopefully it will get me back on track with all the things that are especially important in my life, namely God.

Maybe it will give me more motivation to write this month too. I've been particularly neglectful in that area of my life as well. 

An Ode a Friend (or two)

What if we met people that turned our worlds inside out and upside down when we needed it most?

What if people who completely shock your world continue to be a part of this ever changing piece of your life? Instead of just suddenly coming in and out of your life like lightening, what if they stay?

What if you continue to carry them with you throughout your life? Would they continue to change you or would you eventually grow accustomed to the changes and no longer feel their pull on your life?

I have this best friend. And I'm going to call her out because I'm that type of person.

Alex is the type of person you meet and you just can't help but tell her truth. All the time. Even if it gets you in trouble. She is someone I can be completely honest with and often times she shrugs her shoulders and says, "me too."  She is incredibly beautiful and she brings joy into people's lives before they even know what is going on.

She did that to me. And now I can't imagine my life without our late night talks about boys that turn into talks about faith and love and God and humanity and frailty and hurt.  Sometimes after we get off of a heavy subject, we step back and say, "woah! Where did that come from? That was weird. We should have recorded that."

We have dreams of leading a congregation together one day. Maybe not so far from now. I know that wherever I end up as a pastor, I will be employing her. She is one of the only people that is on the same (if not higher) level as me with organization and scheduling.  We would have the most efficient church in the world. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

But that's not the only reason I want her next to me in a congregation. She has a way of challenging me and questioning life that makes me want to be a better person. Don't get the wrong idea- I'm bragging about my best friend. I really wish I could keep all of her brilliance to myself but at the same time I wish I could share her with the entire world because people deserve joy. They deserve questions and challenges and hope. That's what Alex is to me. Alex is the embodiment of the idea that people aren't all bad. And that you don't have to be perfect to be really wonderful. And that God really has created people who love.

She has these brilliant moments that could make any theologian or preacher blush. (I fully plan on taking credit for them one day and sprinkling them around my sermons.)

One such remark was made when we were talking about how much love sucks- I mean hurts. 

"Love is how we touch God.  So we keep loving people and ourselves because it lets us touch Him.  But it hurts to touch holiness."

She'll deny it all day long, but she makes me a better person (besides our filthy language when we get together). She makes me love God more and lets me feel okay when I don't want to love God at all.

After my last blog post, Alex was the first one to tell me (almost immediately) that she loves me for me. No motives. No conditions. 

But she also told me that she's not the only one. There are people around me who love me because I am me. And I believe her. Weird. 

I have another friend who likes to challenge things. Although we haven't gotten into anything too deep, he's definitely on the same level with Alex and me. We question and poke and prod and we're generally unsatisfied with the answers found in text books or passed down for years. Tradition has its place but there's also room for growth and change. Someday we'll have a church. Someday God will be working through the three of us- more than He already is- and creating something new. 

I hope they continue to change me.  If I am able to keep them with me- physically, emotionally, distantly, directly- I want them to keep changing me in the ways that they did when they first shook up my life.  I want them to challenge me and push me toward something greater.

But I also want them to love me as boldly and fearlessly as they did at the very beginning. I never want that passion to dull.  That new friendship with the questions and discoveries- our favorite parts as a curious humanity.  I want all of that to continue with my best friends. I want them to be my coworkers and my Bible Study members and my Christmas dinner guests.

And they will be. Because God really likes threes. And He really likes messing up people's lives for good. 

Maybe I'll be Catholic

So this article about Pope Francis is getting quite a bit of press.

"Pope Francis Says Atheists Who Do Good Are Redeemed, Not Just Catholics"

Mostly posted by my Catholic friends, this article is all over Facebook. There seems to be a pretty stark contrast between people's reactions. They either really love the Pope's comments or they are freaking out.

Well, I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I'm not Catholic. So why am I commenting on anything the Catholic Pope says? Because Catholics are Christians and as my Christian brothers and sisters, I feel a compulsion to put my two cents into their business. Because their business is Christ's business. And pretty soon I'll be in that business too.

So my first issue is with the Huffington Post. Please do not call yourselves a legitimate piece of journalism. You make me sick to my stomach.

If you take the time to read the article, you will see that the headline of the article is a complete misquote.  Pope Francis says two things of consequence in his sermon and neither of them are "atheists who do good are redeemed, not just Catholics."

First and foremost, he is preaching about Mark 9:38-40 for those of you who want to look that up.

Here's what he says (I'll even use direct quotes):

"The Lord created us in His image and likeness, and we are the image of the Lord, and He does good and all of us have this commandment at heart: do good and do not do evil. All of us. 'But, Father, this is not Catholic! He cannot do good.' Yes, he can..."

Then he says later:

"The Lord has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ: all of us, not just Catholics. Everyone! 'Father, the atheists?' Even the atheists! Everyone!"

So I'll sum it up:

1. Anyone can do good works. Even people who are not Catholic.
2. Atheists are saved by the death of Christ.

Don't combine those two.

So is Pope Francis really saying that everyone is saved by good works (which makes the Protestant in me cringe)?
Or is he saying that everyone is saved by the Grace of God, regardless of what you believe or do?

You can argue against me, but I think it is the latter. And by golly, that's something I can support!

The death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ redeems everyone. Period. Not everyone who does good works. Not everyone who believes in God or Christ. Everyone. Period. 

As you might know, "us Lutherans" believe that we are saved by the Grace of God through faith.

Well crap. Going into seminary, I'm probably not supposed to say that I believe this. I'm probably not supposed to say that this has been my personal belief for a few years now. Oops. Well, I'm not one to follow the rules, Southern so uh... nice to meet you?

If Jesus did not die for every single fallen human being, then it would not be considered salvation. If He only died for those with works, it is not a gift. We have to work for it. If He died only for those with faith, God is not forgiving enough to even have mercy on the best of people.  Jesus died for everyone: regardless of our beliefs or actions. He must have died for everyone or He died for no one.

I know, what about Mark 16:16?

[Jesus said,] "He who has believed and has been baptized shall be saved; but he who has disbelieved shall be condemned."

Well, right after that, He says that those who believe will cast out demons, speak in tongues, pick up serpents, and will not be poisoned.

Okay, I don't know about you, but I haven't been casting out any demons or picking up any serpents. So does that mean I don't believe? I haven't seen record of these feats since the first disciples went out to preach. So are we just doing it wrong?

Probably. Actually, let me change that to a resounding YES.

So what if I'm right? What if Pope Francis (if I'm not misquoting him as HuffPost did) is right? What if nothing NOTHING but the Grace of God and the death of Jesus Christ gives us eternal life? What is there to lose in that belief? Why do we recoil at that?

Is it because it takes away our purpose? Our goal of evangelism and saving souls? Would there be any point in a Church if everyone was completely and only saved by Grace?

We could spread the good news. We wouldn't have to save people. That's not really our purpose in life anyway, is it? We could let them know and help them understand that they have already been saved by Jesus' death. They could experience the joy that comes with knowing that we don't have to- we can't- do anything to be saved. We just are. Just because we breathe. Just because we are God's creatures.

What if everyone believed that they are saved by Grace? That they are so loved by God that He would sacrifice His only son to die so that we could live? No conditions.

What would that world look like?

Honesty.

Some people might call this airing my dirty laundry. The synod candidacy committee might call it "baring my scars." I kind of just want to call it honesty.

This isn't an attack. This isn't to make people feel sorry for me or make them feel guilty. You will know if I am writing about you, but that's not the point. This isn't about you. This is about my faith journey and the things that have torn me apart and the God that is piecing me back together.

Honestly, I don't really know what I believe.

I know what I am supposed to believe. And I know in what and in whom I am supposed to have faith. But you know what? I don't. And I don't know if that's okay. I don't think it is. But I'm tired of holding on to this and not being able to express it.

I was cheated on about a year ago. I had been dating the guy for over two years and I was madly in love with him. Spend the rest of our lives together, do anything for him, talk about him all the time, can't imagine a life with anyone else - madly and crazily in love with him.

And he cheated on me.

If you've ever been cheated on, you know what it does. Or you're still learning the effects of the heartbreak. I felt disgusting. I was convinced that I had done something to make him cheat on me. I wasn't good enough for him to love. I wasn't a good girlfriend. Or I was ugly. I was somehow a broken person that, if he couldn't love - someone so amazing and pure and perfect - then no one could love.

I believed that with every part of my broken, ugly, flawed body and mind.

So I threw myself at anything that would love me. Or at least want me in one way or another. I threw myself at guys, work, projects, charities, parties, alcohol. Anything that would numb the hurt or make me feel loved again.

But everyone wanted something in return. If I wanted to feel wanted, I had to give them something too- whether it was mutual want (which I was physically and emotionally incapable of), or work, or sex, or some other type of benefit. I knew that if I wanted to be wanted, I had to give something to someone.

As if that wasn't enough- feeling completely inadequate with who I was as a person- God put it in my heart to forgive him. Not only did I know I needed to forgive him, I knew I needed to give myself back to him. We had to start from the beginning and do this all over again. This broken trust thing, this crumpled piece of paper of a relationship. It hasn't been easy, but all three of us (God, me, and my boyfriend) are working really hard to get better and love greater.

In the midst of this work, about five weeks ago, my entire world shattered again.  I was told that I had been betrayed by the two people I care most about in the entire world. For over twelve years I had been lied to. Not openly and only to protect me. I know that in my heart. But they were lies of omission. They were lies that would have completely changed my childhood. And I was finding out about them twelve years later.

So to recap: I was betrayed (overtly and intentionally) by the one person I loved more than I loved myself, and for longer than that I was betrayed by the two people that were supposed to love me more than themselves.

So there's that.

That's why I am struggling so much with my faith right now.

That's why I'm struggling with my friends right now. That's why lies of omission hurt so badly. That's why little betrayals that don't seem like a big deal to someone else completely break me apart. That is why I have trust issues and I constantly feel as if people are hiding things from me. That is why I can't believe that people can or ever will be truthful to me when it seems so much easier for people to lie. That's why I am so angry all the time about things that other people just "get over."  It has happened too much. It has cut too deep. And now I don't know where to go with any of it.

After all of this, I can't believe in a God that loves me just because He loves me. Because I breathe. Because I am His creation.

I want to. I desperately want to believe in a God that has mercy and forgiveness and endless love. I want to believe that so much. But I don't believe that someone can love me just because I am me. It has been proven to me over and over again that people like that don't exist.

And I know- God isn't a person. He is capable of things that no human can even imagine being capable of...

I know. I know all of this. I can preach it, I can explain it. I can convince other people of it on a regular basis.

I just don't believe it.

I want to believe it so badly because if I believe that God can love me for me then maybe I can start believing that other people can love me for me. No motives, no needs, no mutual exchange of goods. Then maybe I'll feel whole again.